Do what I can but still have questions 3

[aeolianchaos]

Soccer,

You are capable of all of this and much much more.

I know how difficult right now must feel for you, and I know how much you want the situation to change.

It will change - you need to see that for yourself. Change is inevitable. Its up to you what direction it takes.

Try to Forget about your H for now. He is clearly not contributing to your happiness - it seems like when you focus on him is when you get the worst sadness.

Try not to forecast the future. You don't know exactly what it will look like and as long as you are looking there, you won't be able to keep your attention on the things that are happening right now.

Not only do I believe that you can handle this, I think you are already doing so much of the work so well. Keep in mind all the enormous personal victories you have made, and the strength that you have gained from doing so.

[soccerwife]

Thanks LP, I am pretty sure I will make it through the day. If I can face H when he gets home from work is another question.

There were certainly moments last night that I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through another minute let alone 10 minutes.

I drove to a WalMart parking lot and screamed and sobbed in my car for God knows how long. Next thing I knew I was kneeling outside of my car on the pavement in the freezing cold thunderstorm praying for strength, a sign, change. I began to shiver and gathered myself back up then drove to my dad's house. It was the middle of the night but he was still awake and watching TV, like he had been waiting for weeks for me to show up.

I just cried and told him everything that was going on. He is a very smart and sensitive man. Although I didn't agree with all the advice he gave me, it really helped calm my nerves to talk to him finally after 8 months of turmoil.

My dad and I talked until 3am, then I drove myself home. H was fast asleep when I got here. He didn't even notice I came home. That had to be the first time he has went to sleep before 6am for a month. Is that really how much I mean to him?

[soccerwife]

Thanks aeolianchaos for the inspiration. Yes, I have forgotten all of the great work I have done on myself and I do start feeling down every time I think about the future or the wrongs H is doing now.

I am so thankful that you guys are the only ones to "see" me like this. H only saw the rock. I certainly could have done better, but it is all just part of the learning process.

[soccerwife]

H is not speaking to me this evening because I told him again this morning that D is his decision, not mine. He wants it to be a joint decision. He is also mad because S13 saw me crying today and I told him that my heart is breaking. I asked S13 for his help in making the house pleasant (S13 is a very difficult child). H found out that S13 and I talked about things because S13 was in a terrible mood when H got home. Maybe I shouldn't have talked with S13 about it, but he senses something is going on and I feel he deserves to hear both sides (he already heard H's side a few weeks ago).

H also insists that we do not need to go through a Lawyer. If he asks me for a D, I will be speaking with a Lawyer at least for the initial consultation, just to see what my rights are. I have heard that in my state, you must be separated for 3 months to have a D mediated. H apparently has not done much research on the matter. He is still accepting of the idea that we could live together even if D'd.

H wouldn't eat dinner with the family.

I am so lost right now. I don't know which way to turn.

[InAPickle]

Your H sounds like my XW.
We are divorced and living together.
And yes, it stinks.
I only put up with it for the kids.
D isn't as easy as he makes it sound.
See a lawyer, know your position.
Be sure to tell S13, none of this is his fault.
Kids blame themselves sometimes.
They must have the first consideration.

Prayers
Pickle

[dbmod]

Hi soccer--

I'm so sorry this is so painful. The more he sees you crying and upset and reactive, the more it pushes him away.

It's time to do nothing. Stop resisting, stop encouraging him to open up. Just stop. Take care of yourself. You really have to check in with your doctor to see if medication is appropriate for you. Even if you do get meds, it takes a couple of weeks to equilibrate.

All that said--even when you take a step backwards, it just gives you information. You have absolute confidence now that pursuing and reacting are making things worse. While it feels worse to 'drop the rope' or pull the rubber band in the other direction, you really need to do that.

You cannot hurt anything by doing that. And you need to heal a bit. While you may feel you need to have him back to heal, you will have to heal yourself a bit in order to attract him back.

Hang in there--it IS going to be ok.

[soccerwife]

I realized yesterday morning that it is time for the "do nothing" technique.

H did not see me crying at all but it was reported to him that I was upset all day by S13. Which I guess is just as bad as H seeing it. I did make a number of mistakes on Sunday night and Monday morning. However, it could have been MUCH worse. I was still able to be a listener, validate his opinion, keep my emotions under control as long as he was watching. I just have to add in a few more things, like; don't encourage him to open up to me with what he is thinking about, and don't suggest that I will do whatever he needs me to do if I don't really mean it (he wants me to agree to see a D mediator).

Mistake #1, Since I was trying to validate his opinion, I had to agree to it, but I really didn't want to. That could have been avoided if I had not encouraged him to tell me what he needed me to do.

Mistake #2, I told S13 my side of the story, which made him angry with his father. I know, that is SO wrong. I couldn't help myself though. I was just so down and S13 was concerned. H had already told S13 his side of the story and so S13 was telling me to get over it and everyone could move on and be much happier than we are right now. So, I felt compelled to tell him that there are other options to make everyone happier and that I felt that S/D was a mistake. I told him I think his dad is under a lot of stress and is confused about how to get rid of the stress. I asked S13 for help in making the place a more pleasant environment (S13 is a VERY difficult child with a lot of mental/behavioral issues. Much of the stress in the house is due to him, although not his fault. I think that enlisting him in helping to improve the situation is a good idea even if I went about it the wrong way.) So anyway, H is p'd because he thought I was bad-mouthing him to S13 and trying to get him on "my side". And that is so not true.

Mistake #3, I let us get caught in a circular arguement. I had been really good lately at identifying those when they start and being the first one to say that we need to take a break from the conversation. It must have been the lack of sleep, but I let it continue and even followed him for 2 or 3 minutes around the house to continue making my point and I made sure I had the last word. I wish I hadn't done that.

On the bright side... I feel much better today. I was prescribed anxiety meds yesterday and, maybe it just the placebo effect, but I already feel less reactive/edgey. I slept great last night, no nightmares.

I plan to have a pleasant conversation with H today about the logistics with the kids for tomorrow (first day of school, S13 starting Jr. High, and D5 starting K-garten so tomorrow is a HUGE day!). I will go for a run as soon as I get home and then make everyone a nice dinner to celebrate the start of the new school year.

Another good thing... H is also starting back to work so he will not be sitting around the house with abundant time to think about how miserable he is. He will be kept busy. And he hates being busy, he will never find time to schedule D meetings. It might be a blessing that we made it through the summer without him leaving.

I plan to make every interaction with him during his first week back to school and soccer coaching a positive one, so he sees that home is a wonderful place. How do I do that... don't know yet. I will be talking with Laurie tomorrow.

[soccerwife]

I know D isn't as easy as he makes it sound, but I am going to let him find that out for himself. I will offer nothing. He has friends that had mediated D's and told him how great it was for them. There is another complaint I have that I can do nothing about - the role his new friends are having in destroying our M. I am trying to covertly set up play dates with the friends I trust.

[soccerwife]

GAL: getting a massage for the first time ever.

[Endeavour]

soccerwife, I've sorry this is happening. You must be under so much stress. I'm glad you booked a massage though and I hope that helps relief some of your stress. Enjoy.

While I don't think it's a great idea to confide in children in this situations, if your H already told your S13 then I'm not sure telling him your side of the story was a mistake. It sounds like he was pretty annoyed at you (telling you to move on) for what he perceived to be the truth so letting him know your thoughts probably gave him a clearer picture of what was actually going on. I think that's better than him not knowing and jumping to false conclusions that could damage your relationship with him.

Anyway, I agree that it might be time to stop resisting as it's only going to push your H further towards his goal.