I've read your entire thread this evening and I want you to know you are really doing a GREAT job. I'd encourage you to read my 3 threads...they'll show you many of the things I did that were wrong...repeatedly....despite me KNOWING that I was doing wrong with the end goal of R being my heart's desire. While reading, if you see "mgm" a lot, that was my previous user name until I decided to change it.
My threads and posts are lengthy but I think they'll give you some comfort in knowing you've AVOIDED some of the major pitfalls that many, including myself, often fall in to. You'll be able to see some areas where if I'd reacted differently, I probably would've seen different results QUICKER and in turn, maybe avoid some pitfalls if you haven't quite run into certain scenarios that i may have already. That being said, I also don't believe it's ever too late to commit to a more permanent change and that's what I'm doing...and that's what I also believe you've established a foundation for.
I can seriously relate to you because I just turned 27 and my wife is 26 (will be 27 next month).
I wanted to let you know I read the "My journey after the affair" blog you posted and it was a tremendous blessing to me.
Now CS and a few others have helped me a ton and I think I'm FINALLY getting it, so hopefully I can help you. We're all great at giving advice and sometimes struggle to follow it ourselves.
I say that to say this: you're on the right path. Detaching is key. The more you can focus on you, the more you will improve you. What does West need to do to become a better man? To continue down the path of being the best West possible, what things can you do each day? One of the things I've realized (and been knocked over the head by the good folks on this site) is that if your W does return, you'll HAVE to be a better version of you to deal with the continued roller coaster you'll be on to R. If your W DOES NOT return, you'll HAVE to be a better version of you so that you can fully heal and move on to a life and hopefully a relationship that is able to flourish the way God intended it - FOREVER, regardless of trial or tribulation.
I added the spiritual piece because I noticed you said you've prayed a great deal and I've done the same. Just know it is a long process and as the days seem to get longer, you're in the beginning stages. I've had trouble figuring out how long your sitch has been going on but my has been going on for right at 4 months and I'm just now getting to a place that I think you've reached a lot quicker than most.
Take pride in that. I too am "nice guy." I finally told my W last Sat that I'm no longer ok with just being friends. I told her I wouldn't share her with OM but I did make it clear I still want things to work. Now I did PLENTY else WRONG in that convo but I tell you that to let you know that you have to become the confident person you WANT to be for yourself FIRST and then also, with your end goal being R, so that your W is attracted to the "new" you. I get long winded so I hope that makes sense.
Would love to get your thoughts on my sitch as well. I'll be back to yours often. Stay the course. You're doing great.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
Read this from my DivorceCare emails and I thought of you. Think it applies to both of our sitches and many others:
"When you are making decisions regarding a new relationship, do not make any decisions based on your feelings. Feelings are temporal and not always rational, no matter how strongly you may feel them. Be wise and take the time to grow and to build your life on a strong foundation."
This would be whether or not we're talking about the "new" relationship with your W or any other "new" relationship you may ultimately have to pursue as a result of your W's choices (fully acknowledging this is not what either of us wants for our lives but understanding it is a possibility).
Moral of the story is? Grow yourself and you'll see a growth that will cover all facets of your life, including your new M with your W if (and when - might as well continue to hope for the best while preparing for the "worst") she comes around.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
Made: Thanks for the encouragement! You're right, much of our sitch's seem very similar as of yet. I have started combing through your first thread and will eventually make it through the rest. However, it does seem from the get-go that our W's are both trying very hard to fill an emptiness inside of themselves and are going down the wrong ways to do this. I would suggest that you take a look the website "Surviving Infidelity" -- it's been a huge help so far. More specifically, look to the FAQ section in the "Healing Library." There are answers written by both WAS' and BS', and they will likely comfort you as they have comforted me. It helped me become a lot more compassionate and understanding of my W despite her current unlovable exterior.
Gritter: My big one is to really get back into my writing. I have always been a writer; in fact, it was what I went to college for. However, I've been extremely lax on it, especially in the last few months. I really need to hop back in the saddle, so to speak. My goal is to finish the novel I'm working on, as well as editing a novel that I've already finished. If I'm going to meet my goals on this, I'm going to have to learn to do it despite what's going on in my personal life.
I'm also working really hard on my exercise regimen. I've been jogging and lifting weights about every other day. My goal is to put on enough weight to where I feel and look strong. Don't know how much that will specifically be; I'll just know. I've never been "built" but I've always had the capacity for it -- I'm a big guy...
My big one is to really get back into my writing. I have always been a writer; in fact, it was what I went to college for. However, I've been extremely lax on it, especially in the last few months. I really need to hop back in the saddle, so to speak. My goal is to finish the novel I'm working on, as well as editing a novel that I've already finished. If I'm going to meet my goals on this, I'm going to have to learn to do it despite what's going on in my personal life.
Why not get back to writing, BECAUSE of what's going on in your personal life?
It's not just therapeutic (but it's also that!!). It's also going to help your writing. I know this from professional/personal experience...
You can't make this stuff up, and the dialogue and actions are universal in many ways. Use it.
And keep up the great personal work too. Glad you got yourself here.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Believe me, it's already started infiltrating my writing -- I wrote a short story that totally materialized out of nowhere. I just started writing about a character who was (like myself) distraught about his love leaving him for someone else. Thought it would be therapeutic, and it turned out to be! However, since I wanted to laugh about the situation rather than cry about it, the story turned mysteriously humorous...
Didn't know that you have professional ties to the writing field. Anything specific?
My goal is to finish the novel I'm working on, as well as editing a novel that I've already finished. If I'm going to meet my goals on this, I'm going to have to learn to do it despite what's going on in my personal life.