Things have been busy. Things have been fine...very comfortable with H. Some teenager trama-dramas to contend with but that's to be expected.
I have been wasting a lot of energy trying to figure out the WHY's and HOW's of what happened to my H and my R. I want to believe that if I understand it, the understanding will give me power over it...some form of control to keep it from happening again.
The truth is...I will never understand how, a year ago, Wolfie was so definately NOT himself. He was actually pretty whacked out. I don't think I will ever comprehend how he changed so drastically, and then came full circle.
He seems so at peace in our R now and so clear about what he wants and what is important to him. I don't think I will ever understand when and why and how the big turnaround happened either.
It's as clear as mud to me. No matter how many times I try to look at it from different angles--try to apply logic to the devistation that we experienced--it just doesn't make sense. I think I have to give up trying to understand.
For now, I am just going to accept the fact that things are going well. It's kind of frightening to accept that things are ok and I can relax a bit and enjoy knowing that my man loves me a great deal. I know from some of the others who have been in peicing for awhile that this is yet another stage.
When things begin to normalize, I find ways to rehash and keep myself on edge just that little bit. It is terrifying sometimes to realize that I'm allowing myself to trust and be vulnerable to be hurt again.
I'm not freaking out or causing any drama or anything, but I am still having to do a lot of thought-stopping at this phase.
I must not be the only one having some "bad annaversary day" heebie-jeebies, as I got a very odd call from XOW last week. I'll explain later when I've got some more time.
