I've read your entire thread this evening and I want you to know you are really doing a GREAT job. I'd encourage you to read my 3 threads...they'll show you many of the things I did that were wrong...repeatedly....despite me KNOWING that I was doing wrong with the end goal of R being my heart's desire. While reading, if you see "mgm" a lot, that was my previous user name until I decided to change it.
My threads and posts are lengthy but I think they'll give you some comfort in knowing you've AVOIDED some of the major pitfalls that many, including myself, often fall in to. You'll be able to see some areas where if I'd reacted differently, I probably would've seen different results QUICKER and in turn, maybe avoid some pitfalls if you haven't quite run into certain scenarios that i may have already. That being said, I also don't believe it's ever too late to commit to a more permanent change and that's what I'm doing...and that's what I also believe you've established a foundation for.
I can seriously relate to you because I just turned 27 and my wife is 26 (will be 27 next month).
I wanted to let you know I read the "My journey after the affair" blog you posted and it was a tremendous blessing to me.
Now CS and a few others have helped me a ton and I think I'm FINALLY getting it, so hopefully I can help you. We're all great at giving advice and sometimes struggle to follow it ourselves.
I say that to say this: you're on the right path. Detaching is key. The more you can focus on you, the more you will improve you. What does West need to do to become a better man? To continue down the path of being the best West possible, what things can you do each day? One of the things I've realized (and been knocked over the head by the good folks on this site) is that if your W does return, you'll HAVE to be a better version of you to deal with the continued roller coaster you'll be on to R. If your W DOES NOT return, you'll HAVE to be a better version of you so that you can fully heal and move on to a life and hopefully a relationship that is able to flourish the way God intended it - FOREVER, regardless of trial or tribulation.
I added the spiritual piece because I noticed you said you've prayed a great deal and I've done the same. Just know it is a long process and as the days seem to get longer, you're in the beginning stages. I've had trouble figuring out how long your sitch has been going on but my has been going on for right at 4 months and I'm just now getting to a place that I think you've reached a lot quicker than most.
Take pride in that. I too am "nice guy." I finally told my W last Sat that I'm no longer ok with just being friends. I told her I wouldn't share her with OM but I did make it clear I still want things to work. Now I did PLENTY else WRONG in that convo but I tell you that to let you know that you have to become the confident person you WANT to be for yourself FIRST and then also, with your end goal being R, so that your W is attracted to the "new" you. I get long winded so I hope that makes sense.
Would love to get your thoughts on my sitch as well. I'll be back to yours often. Stay the course. You're doing great.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
