WTF?!?!

[Denver_2010]

Maybe I see my situation as being closer to reconciliation than others on the outside looking in. Maybe that is my problem.

No maybe about it. That is your problem. It causes you to focus and obsesses about every interaction with your W. Even when you say you've "detached."

Because you look for signs, look for hints, try to feel if she's coming around. It doesn't work like.

I think what you really need to do....is take a brake from all that thinking. What I mean is don't be Gloomy Gus b/c you think your marriage is ending, but don't be Eager Pete because you think recon is just around the corner.

It's emotionally exhausting to switch back and forth. Why not just focus on the now.? What ever that is. Look at the positives. Know the negatives kinda stink, but that doesn't mean they were forever.

It took me a long time to get to that point, and some days are better than others.

Just a quick correction Harrier... I've never said that I was detached. Just that I am trying to detach. or at least I don't think so. guess someone can pull the DB board transcript if I am wrong. lol

You are right man. I need to focus on the now and stop with all of the thinking. I am able to do that some days... others not so much. Today is one of the really bad days.

I am Gloomy Gus today.

It IS emotionally exhausting though... all of it.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=InAPickle]
Remember what I said: you can change all you want to, but if she doesn't, decide if that's the W you can't live without.

My W is as up and down as our situation is. One minute, she is the person that I fell in love with and married, and the next minute, she is the cold, hardened person who left me. THAT is the problem. I would definitely get on board with your point if she was always that cold person.

She is so damn confused about what she wants for her life ... that is what is driving the roller coaster that I am on. [/quote

You have been confused and confusING to her too Denver. Every situation is different. Don't let others project their situations onto you and yours (no offense pickle). But Pickle, unlike your ex w and her "come hell or high water" approach to divorcing you, Denver's wife hasn't been that way.

I'm not saying I see sure signs of recon for them, but I see SOME.

Denver's wife told him she loves and misses him and sometimes, she acts like it...that's something. Sorry Pickle, but IDK what your w said or did, except the end result sounds like she was done from the get go.

If Denver's wife were in those shoes, we wouldn't be here.

Also, just to make sure we don't all forget the things SHE recalls

(and admittedly must let go of SOMEDAY VERY SOON)

but Denver was a real jerk to her-- for a long time. Way Longer than the 9 months of his "new good guy" behavior.

(No offense Den, just using a nicer version of your own words to describe you).

MHL's post rings true and healthy to me, Denver. So,

tell us why you can't GAL and do the good 180s,

all while NOT knowing the future?

Are any of us certain of our futures? (btw, the answer is "no")...

besides, given the above info

Doesn't She have the right to fear reconciling as much as Denver?



Denver, you have to do what the rest of us had to do to become whole (attracting) people...

suck it up, do healthy things, GET HAPPY and move forward, all while NOT knowing the choices others will make...

Truth be told, you CAN do it. You just don't feel like it.

So here's my "HMO version of one stop therapy"---

a slap to the face & yelling for you to "SNAP OUT OF IT!!"

((( )))



PS did that help?

[Denver_2010]

UPDATE...

Just received email from W:

W: "Are you interested in just going to the concert with SS and I?"

I have not responded yet.

[Denver_2010]

UPDATE...

Just received email from W:

W: "Are you interested in just going to the concert with SS and I?"

I have not responded yet.

I responded:

Me: "As much as I want to say yes W, I just don't think that it is a good idea. I will definitely be missing being with you guys though."

[MrBond]

IMHO you should have gone. I don't think you gained anything from not going and I think your SS needs the support right now.

[♪CS♪]

I disagree with the disagree!

Consistency is big here.

This action is consistent with what D last told his W. He needs some space right now. And Denver said everything in that email was obsoletely true.

And Denver was kind and compassionate in his reply.

I agree this is tough for SS. However 1 on 1 time might be more appropriate right now.

Just 2 pennies.

[thatgirl007]

The conflicting advice you get here is always so interesting, Denver. I know, for me, it would add to my frustration, but you seem to manage it well.

I think it's a real testament to how complex your situation is - and it should be comforting to know that there's no one right way to handle things.

[Valeska19]

Agree with country.
Tough stuff for you Denver however If you keep true to your needs whilst showing compassion to your wife, you'll be alright.

[Denver_2010]

UPDATE...

Just received email from W:

W: "Are you interested in just going to the concert with SS and I?"

I responded:

Me: "As much as I want to say yes W, I just don't think that it is a good idea. I will definitely be missing being with you guys though."

Just called SS to see how his first day of school went.

He and W were shopping for some new school clothes.

We talked about that and school briefly.

Then he asked me if I was going to the concert tomorrow night.

I told him that I wasn't. That it wasn't a good idea for me to go. That he and his mom needed some space apart. That I really want to go but that it's not a good idea right now. I then said that we will go to another in the future.

SS said: "that's what you said last time"

He was referring to a concert that I had gotten us all tickets to last summer before W and I separated.

I did not go to that concert bc W and I had gotten into a huge argument about something f'ing stupid and I was throwing a fit.

When SS said that tonight, I said, "This is different bud. I am not mad at your mom, and I want to go. It's just not a good idea right now."

SS said ok. I told him to have a good time at the concert, that I loved him, and we got off of the phone.

-----

This has been the absolute worst day that I've had in a long time. I am absolutely miserable not knowing if I am doing the right thing or if I am handling my sitch in the right way.

I'm trying to be consistent but also polite and as loving as I can be.

Denver

[MrBond]

Well what's done is done. My take was about what DB says about - asking yourself if doing something was going to hurt your sitch or make it better. I didn't see it hurting it. In fact, it felt a little like you were trying to punish your W. But in the end, your SS felt it.

If you didn't feel comfortable going, then so be it. I totally know what you're going through though.