The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

[LearningPatience]

I'm not sure what it was, but my feelings for W hit me like a ton of bricks last night.

I went to MIL/FILs house for wine and desert. FIL will be in Europe for the fall semester so I went to say goodbye. W had thought about coming over but apparently took a nap instead, knowing she's seeing him tonight. FILs brother is getting M on Thanksgiving, and FIL is flying back to Philly for it. I had forgotten about this and openly asked if I was still invited. MIL said something about driving back with W but didn't really go any further on that. She seems to think we can't stand being around each other or something.

What hit me last night was all the things we used to do together and with friends that we don't anymore. W had a small party Sat night and all the people there were originally 'my' friends. I didn't know about it til after, not that I was invited anyhow, but it still stung. W has many weekend activities planned for the next couple of months and it just hit me how much I missed her. I felt like I became completely un-detached. Even after more than a year apart (in varying amounts), she is the one I want in my life.

W texted me last evening but I didn't notice it for an hour. Texted back around 10 and we had a little convo, first text convo in a long time. Flirted with her a little, she was receptive of watching a certain dvd with me, but not last night as Monday mornings are tough for her. I'm trying *really* hard to not pursue in text, email or calling. I haven't had this much difficulty in months.

I slept horribly last night, in part to all these feelings reawakening. Called in sick to work and finally got a little sleep.

I've wanted to talk to someone so bad today but couldn't think of anyone that would be helpful. I have another MC appointment (by myself) Sunday, I wish it were now. For the first time in ages, I almost felt like crying today.

I really don't know if it's wishful thinking on my part, but even after she's told me she's leaning towards D, and saying the same to MC, I still think there's more than a slim chance between us. She mentioned how the presenters at Retrouvaille all got back together (we went last Feb), almost like if they could do it after an A maybe we could too. Then again, I could be reading too much into it.

I know I'm usually the one here that's upbeat, joking and full of optimism. Not feeling it now. I'm feeling a little better than last night and this morning, but still not where I had been.

Someone else's turn to make the stupid jokes for a bit.