I agree, I don't think your H knows what he wants. Literally. That is to say, I think what he wants is to stay with you, someone who loves him (I suspect) more than he is able to wrap his mind around. He just doesn't know that. And without knowing that, he can't make a conscious, deliberate decision (a commitment) to make that loving relationship the goal of his life.
I also think that he doesn't realize that a loving relationship is a goal, an objective. I think he is still stuck in thinking (whether he realizes it or not) that love is something that happens to him. I think that is a difference between him and me. He seems to expect that a loving relationship with the right woman should just come together of itself. He may consciously, intellectually, know that relationships take work (who hasn't heard that old saw several million times?), but I think his actions are still guided by the expectation that, if you are the right woman for him, everything will be beautiful by itself. And I also think that he believes that you are the right woman for him, which is why he keeps on pulling away and then trying again - maybe he is stymied trying to figure out why, you being the right woman for him, everything isn't happening the way it is supposed to.
He may be a very intelligent man (I have a gut feeling that he is - and I am mostly intellectual, so i don't have gut feelings often), but I think he is stunted in terms of emotional maturity. I think you said once that he was very resistive to the idea of mental health treatment (or I may be mixing you up with someone else), but he really needs some help. He needs to accept the fact that his expectation that there will be no conflict is unrealistic and a liability. He needs to accept the fact that there are things about him that need to change.
I know this doesn't help you much, right now. After all, only he can make that decision. However, he is right now making noises like he doesn't want to lose you. It may be that he dropped all those "bombs" because he wanted to scare you, because he wanted to get you to cling to him, because he didn't think you really cared about him (we talked before about fights looking a lot like rejection to me, and possibly him). Now that it is backfiring, he is the one clinging on to you. Maybe I am going out on a limb here, and maybe I am totally out in left field, but I think that he is terrified that all his drama might be coming true. I doubt that he was consciously being manipulative with all this, but I do think he was hoping to get a response, and this wasn't it!
In short, I think that he is close to realizing that he wants to stay with you, and that if he does he will need to change. He might just be scared and confused enough at this time, seeing the failure of his previous tactics, to listen to what you say can change your relationship. You certainly have his attention. Maybe he will stop looking at you as the enemy, and see you as a partner in trying to find the happy life together that, it is obvious to me, he wants.
I know I have been pretty accurate about things that I said previously about your H, but please be warned, I know that I am really stretching this time. Look at all this critically, see if it rings true. Most importantly, see if his actions from here out fit with this interpretation.
This sounds like a real "white knuckle" situation for you. I don't envy you.
Ever hear about the Chinese character for the word "crisis?" It is a combination of the characters for "danger" and "opportunity." Of course I can't say for sure, but I certainly hope that, somehow, this crisis turns out to be the opportunity for things to really change, in ways they could never have done without things getting this bad.
Nonetheless, no matter how things turn out, know that we are all here to support you. {{{{{{{{{{{{Endeavour}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
