I do love her, yes also in my heart I know I can forgive. However, it will be up to her to have me forget.
I tried for so long to make her happy. Sad thing is she didn't and doesn't know what it will take to make her happy. She has to find peace within herself before I can come into the picture if and when that ever happens.
While packing to move I found a letter she wrote to herself just a month before she moved out. She asked for guidance in helping her figure out what she wanted. Questioning herself about leaving the "most caring man in the world". She continued "No one will ever love like he does" "yet I feel so helpless to my feeling of not being attracted to him" "He has been and is my best friend" "We have grown apart and I don't think it can be fixed"
With that said I do have hope that my family will one day be as one unit again. Today I've calmed down a bit from where I was yesterday. I'm going to go on with life and make the most of it. I will be the good friend when I'm around her. Yet I must stand firm and not let it get physical. She knows that is her power over me. I have never been able to resist her. I have to stand firm. Not mean or a cold shoulder mind ya. But I have to protect my feelings. No one else can or will do that for me. I have to live this day in and day out. Let her come to me, perhaps she will or perhaps she won't. Lord only knows. I do know this. If I can stay on track with this I will be in a much better place. With or without her in my life.
She has told me I was very controlling. Didn't want to spend money on this or that. Where we went going to town or out to eat. I reversed that the 1st time we got back together and I let her make almost every decision as to where or what we did. I may just keep that up. Again I know I must work on me 1st. I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy. I can hear myself saying it ... I just need to start living it.
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
