Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Alright - haven't written in my "journal" for several days, and I need to keep this up.

Actually, lately my efforts to DB have been kind of slackened. I think that I have been so busy lately that I haven't had time to think about it, and W and I have not had enough time to have either positive or negative interactions.

Well, my sister-in-law's H has been out of town for a few days, so while I was at work on Saturday W called me and said that she would go to her house for a "sleep over." W had never done this sort of thing before (since she was 12, anyway), so I asked why. Not really trying to pry (hope it didn't look like that), just thinking that something terrible had happened and sister-in-law needed support or something. W answered, "Because her husband's out of town." Well, by this time I had gotten a chance to think about the fact that I needed to be aware of what I was doing. I didn't ask any more, except about the logistics (you know, when she was leaving, how many nights, etc.), and told her that I would finish up work and be home as soon as possible so she could leave.

Well, I was working the weekend and 3 of the kids were home, so I couldn't use much of the time to GAL. But I did let the kids choose movies to rent for the two evenings, and watched with them (they're veging out in front of a screen, so I don't know why it matters so much to them that Dad watches the movie with them, but it does). Last night remembered to make a run through the kitchen and finish up the dishes, since I know she appreciates that. Now that I think about it, I actually felt good getting that done myself. Never really realized the underlying sense of depression that goes on when I let myself off the hook for a little job like that - just the knowledge that it's only going to build up (and it always does - W isn't so great at keeping up with such chores, either - even with help from the kids). Wasn't sparkling, but it was OK.

So, she came home last night, a while after I was in bed. She came in, I woke up, asked her if she had a good time. She responded by telling me, at length, about a movie she had seen with her sister. I was a little tired, but not losing consciousness as she spoke, so I listened. Figured this would be a good chance to get in the practice of listening, as I frequently do not. Only once faltered - I finished a sentence for her, and she got a little, er, *urinated* at me, but I apologized and she continued.

She didn't ask me how things went at home, but I suppose we'll get there.

I kissed her good night, and she returned the kiss, on the mouth (I've really only started kissing her again recently, and usually she turns her cheek to me). It was only a quick peck, but progress is progress.

So, there it is. Nothing earth shattering, in terms of either interactions between us or personal growth on my own part. I guess I just wanted to stay in the habit of posting, as this is the best journaling I have ever done. And besides, typing this up gives me a wake up call to get off my duff and get back onto doing some serious DBing. I know it gets results, so I just have to stick with it.

[Endeavour]

Again, Psych77 I have to commend you for your changes and your self-awareness. I think you have to give yourself a break though because I think things are going really well. Easier said than done though.

Since I can relate more to your W, I can tell you that's she's not perfect, and has also made mistakes in the way she has treated you.

As much as you want to scream at my H, I want to scream at your W to stop looking at you as you were in the past, and to see you for the man you are becoming. M is about growth and you are on the right path. Keep up your positive changes.

Are you sure we're not married?

I know. If you didn't live in New England and weren't so incredibly self-aware, I'd think you were my H. Where's that paranoid smiley when you need him?

[Psych77]

Endeavour - you are awesome!

[Endeavour]

Right back at you, Psych.

[Psych77]

Well, last night I came home, helped W prepare dinner. Once the family sat down, I had to use the *ahem* lavatory, so I left the table. Unfortunately, once I got up there, I got a call from work on my cell phone. Sometimes, being on call really *aspirates*. Anyway, by the time I got back down to the table, W had left for the evening - I think she had a group therapy (is it sad that I don't know?).

Well, I know the nightly routine, so I cracked the whip over the younger kids to do half the dishes (we have so many kids, we have them do the work in shifts!), then read to them while the older kids did the other half. Put the younger ones to bed, and then went out to do some errands while one of my older kids did some reading and the other practiced piano and worked on composing some music (um, yeah, I have some amazing kids - what? no, I'm not bragging, not at all! :D). When I came home, W was in bed, with the light on, wearing a red top with lacy edges .

It was wonderful, but wordless. When did you ever think that you would hear a man saying he wanted more talk in the relationship? Don't get me wrong - the fact that W is initiating sex with me (and with some apparent enthusiasm at that) is tremendous progress, and that is not lost on me. It's just that I really want to be in her heart, not just in her body. I miss her looking at me and smiling, giving me the impression that she is just happy that I am there.

I miss us pouring our hearts out to each other, that wonderful feeling when we spoke that we understood each other, we connected. I guess I lost that when it started to seem to me that every time she wanted to talk to me was because of a complaint, something I was doing wrong. Maybe some of it I imposed on myself - was I taking every problem she had as a challenge to me, taking it as the burden of a problem I needed to solve? Maybe it was a little bit of both. In any case, all I know is that I started to become defensive; as soon as W said those dreaded words, "We have to talk," my walls went right up.

Funny how a few years ago I would have sworn that I would be happy if W just had sex with me more often. It was the one interaction we had that always had a positive outcome, and it sure beat the talking that I had come to dread. Now that we have gone through a time when sex, affection and talking have stopped, and sex is coming back, it's not enough for me. I want the whole package! I want the one person who actually took the time and trouble to get to know the real me, quirky and strange as I am, back in my life. I want her to come back and love me because of who i am, not in spite of it. She did that when we fell in love. It was one of the things that made her so wonderful to me. In my life I have found that it is a rare person who can do that.

I guess I am just sorting through my feelings here - trying to get a better picture of what I want, maybe getting an idea of what my goals can be. I think that sex is just an overpowering thing in my mind, and when I am constantly horny ( hopefully people don't find my use of that term offensive) it is hard to think of anything else I want. Kind of like a hungry man trying to think about his need for intellectual stimulation. So now that I'm no longer desperate for sex (not that I wouldn't be happy with a little more often, but at least I am not feeling like I will be deprived), I am starting to be aware of other things that I want.

Thinking about it, it seems like the opposite order of priority from what is seen in most women. Let Abraham Maslow stick that in his hierarchy of needs and smoke it!

So, we have occasional sex, and some (very scant) other expressions of affection. But we don't know how to talk. I'm not sure that either of us know where to start. I know I don't. And i think W is probably still gun shy about opening up to me emotionally. I know she has told me that she is still afraid of me. Aside from just exercising consistent changes, I don't know what else I can do. Maybe working on making the changes consistent is really all there is. Keeping them consistent, I guess, is work enough.

[Endeavour]

I think the sex is a good start, Psych. But I can certainly understand you wanting and needing the whole package. Baby steps.

[NYCPeter]

I could only dream of ML to my W.
We sleep 20 feet apart in seperate rooms and I don't see that changing any time soon.

Seriously - that's got to be a good sign.

[Psych77]

Yeah, I guess I should lighten up and celebrate the progress I am making. I don't mean to shortchange that, especially when I myself have been out of any sexual contact not too long ago. Don't mean to minimize the importance of what we do have going.

What is important, though, is the fact that having a little sex has freed up my mind to think about other goals. Up until recently, when I thought about goals I wanted in my M, the list looked sort of like this:

Have more sex
Have more sex
Have more sex
Have more sex
Have more sex...

You get the idea.

I was actually kind of worried that I was incapable of caring about anything else - certainly that was what W often felt about me. I worried that she was right. Was I really that shallow?

So, when some sex started happening, it opened up all these other ideas in my mind as to what a better marriage would look like. In that way, my suddenly realizing that there were other things I wanted in M was actually something in itself to celebrate. It enables me to DB better, because now I have more to think about in terms of goals (you have to admit, if my DBing was focused on the sole goal of having more sex, my changes might not appeal much to W ).

But thank you for reminding me that what has already happened is huge progress.

[Psych77]

Well, time to put in the update.

I went to IC yesterday, and therapist and I talked about...well, everything. Funny, sometimes I have to explain to my therapist the reasons why W is still having trouble with me. She sometimes acts surprised that W is still skittish about talking with me, even after I have been pretty well controlled (no "meltdowns" - out of control anger) for months. I had to explain to her that W was physically abused as a child, and has actually said that she doesn't feel safe when I am out of control. This probably means that I am trying to "live down" more than what I have done - she is healing from the violence of her childhood. Naturally it is going to take a long time for her to learn to trust me again, if I have tied in with those fears. I get that.

We also talked about my mood reactivity. That is really at the root of my temper flare-ups. W tells me she is angry, or sad, or upset, etc. I think it is her telling me I am doing things wrong. I get defensive. She persists (why shouldn't she - they are HER feelings), and I feel attacked. That it when I lose my cool.

My IC has been telling me for years now (I can't believe I have been seeing her that long) that I need to let W have her own feelings, to recognize that she is a separate person, that her feelings are not all about what I am or am not doing. Well, did you ever have one of those experiences where you hear something you have heard a thousand times, and for the first time it suddently clicks? Makes sense? And then, every other time you heard it makes sense, and things start to fall into place? Yeah, well, I had one of those moments. I knew it was true before, and I can't put into words the difference between then and now. All I know is that now I can picture the difference a little bit better.

It seems to me that there are two different ways of communicating. Sometimes people say something because they want the literal meaning of their words to be heard and heeded. Like a command, or instructions, or something. Sometimes, however, people say the words, but the real meaning of what they are saying lies in the feelings that their words are conveying. At times like that, the worst thing you could do is focus on the literal meaning of their words. Now, being able to figure out which times to listen to the literal words and which times to interpret the words as a product of the feelings (as in not getting all upset at what W says when she is angry or hurt) and focus on the feelings instead - well, for me, that is a challenge. Sometimes I feel like a need a neon sign over W's head that flashes the words "THOUGHTS," and, "FEELINGS," to learn how to interpret.

It helped me to think of the "feeling" communication as similar to dealing with a baby. When you are taking care of a baby, you don't look for them to tell you what they need. You try to read their feelings, and respond to that. I think that there are times when W needs me to respond to her feelings, rather than her words.

I guess these issues are really more Asperger issues than DBing issues. But addressing them will help me to DB better - to be the person that W fell in love with in the first place. To be myself.

W has often said that she feels as though I regard her as the enemy. Well, if I am constantly feeling defensive and reading attacks into her attempts to express her feelings to me, if I always feel threatened by her...no wonder.

Of course, while she is so guarded around me, I don't have much chance to practice (or trial-and-error) this new understanding. Gonna be tough to put it into practice.

[Psych77]

Just looked at the last post, and man, it seems pretty convoluted. I guess I'm not too worried. You guys are always pretty good at deciphering my babble.

On the lighter side - met a guy at karate who makes mead. I made a batch of that once, and we started talking. I'm thinking of picking up winemaking again - haven't done that in years. Might be a nice hobby - as long as I don't get TOO fond of it.