WTF?!?!

[Denver_2010]

Just a thought/concern
If and when she contacts you, and you THINK she's probing or doing it half ass or simply

not coming out and saying all that you need to hear right away...

don't ignore her, okay?

Be kind and clear and consistent and NOT demanding.


You have a lot to prove to her, just as you feel she has to prove to you.

Don't make this about her crawling back, which I know was not your intent.

I simply worry (a little) that if she contacts you or reaches out to you'


and it's Not wrapped exactly the way you want it to be, you'll reject it/her.

this is a legit concern 25. I feel that I need to be firm in the boundaries that I am trying to establish. And yes, they are for me. I'm not trying to punish her, I just can't continue to live in the pain of what has been W and I's R for the past 6 months.

But while I feel that I need to be firm, I also really do have compassion for where her heart and mind are right now... she is confused and scared.

I still want to be that 'rock' that I spoke about so much in my earlier threads. I still want to be 'lighthouse' home for her. I still want to keep the road home 'paved and smooth'. And i do still love my W, unconditionally.

^^^ These were all things that I read here, thought about, and adopted as part of my approach to my situation.

But how I do that, but also remain firm in my boundaries and in protecting myself, I struggle with.

I don't want to reject her if she does come closer to me but does not or cannot give me everything that i need right away.

thank you for making that point 25.

Remember the book, "The 5 Love Languages"? And remember that workshop I told you about?

I attended the workshop with a male doctor who talked a lot about his w and marriage. He spoke of how she didn't do the things he needed from her, or the way HE wanted.

he spoke of how dissatisfied he was in general.

Towards the end of the weekend/workshop, he discussed how his wife had asked about coming to see him finish/"graduate".

He said he wanted her there, so she made plans to come.

Then he changed his mind, (he had his reasons) so she changed her plans and decided not to drive up.

Then he wanted her there again, and she again made her plans accordingly but asked him if he was "sure this time."

He was about to get irritated at her for that comment, when instead, he Suddenly stood up, in tears, and said

"All this time, she's been trying to love me in her own 'lane' and

I've been letting it pass me by b/c it wasn't coming in exactly the way I wanted it to come in...

all the love I've turned away from, such a waste."

That's a true story but simply something I wanted to share with you to think about. But No hidden meaning.

We're all pulling for you Denver.

(( ))

Thank you for sharing that 25. I understand the point. What I said above applies here as well. I don't want to reject my W if she can partially give me what I am asking for, but at the same time, I do NOT want to go back to living like I was from April through July.

I guess that I will have to just see what W says, what she can offer, if anything, consider it, and go from there.

Denver this is hard stuff man. I know your heart is in the right place. You know what you want.

That is one thing that I know for certain Gritter. My heart is in the right place. I am doing everything that I can to save my M.

I was telling a bit earlier today that I cannot rest until this is resolved, fixed. My mind thinks about the situation, how I should respond to future events or words from my W, what I can do to foster a positive outcome, etc.

But there is NOTHING that I can think, say or do that can change anything. It is beyond my control.

So my mind spins like a top... I am a hamster on a wheel and have been for months.

But my heart is in the right place. And I do know what I want.

It is the first time in my life that I have wanted something so badly... worked very, very hard to attain it, used my mind to strategize and try to figure out how to go about getting it... and been unable to get it.

This is the worst thing that I have ever gone through. Incredibly painful and frustrating.

You have to be consistent and that doesn't mean getting what you want when you want it.

yeah... patience... Over the past 9 months, I have told others here to have patience and give things time countless times. And I practiced it myself during much of that time.

Yet... I am struggling very much with these concepts right now.

I feel that I am at the end of my rope... but I also do not want to give up.

This is a tough place to be...

It means knowing your values and acting from them.

Values and integrity do not falter with the whim of emotion.

So now.

When/if W starts a path back. Don't react with your emotions (fear is the biggest one we as LBS's let get in the way)

Act and speak with your values and with integrity. Be consistent with that and you will not make mistakes.

In any and all your communication (or lack of). stop. Take time. And ask yourself is this my emotion getting ready to act or speak for me.

Or me?

I am trying Gritter.

-----------------------------

I am having an extremely hard day. I don't know why, but I have been overcome by sadness this morning.

Sometimes it is like a dam holding back all of this emotion, my mind trying to put aside the pain so that I can think and act clearly... and sometimes that dam breaks.

I have not heard from W since she sent her email yesterday morning telling me that she received THE email that I sent to her and that she does not know how to respond.

I am second guessing some of the things that I said in that email.

I don't trust what I think, say or do regarding my situation any longer. I don't trust my instinct.

I feel blind.


Denver

Denver