That is a personal call on the adultery thing. I do not know how it works where you are at but I included it in mine but there again my XW was seeking monies from me.
Sounds like you would be getting money from her.
If that is the case and you really do not "need" the money.....meaning you had grown accustomed to her income level, then I would not put it in there........
As far as the "feelings" of lack of affection go.....do things that naturally release those same endorphins such as exercise. If you can afford it, go out and get some new clothes......
the haircut is a great idea.......
anything that makes you feel better about yourself.
it all helps.
You did good on not answering the phone and not responding to the email. It will only bring pain.
It does get easier.......it just takes time.
Hang in there.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
MTS, It sounds like you are really doing well. It sounds like you are filling your life with really healthy activities. You are doing a great job of stopping the pursuit of your W. You are turning to the right places to make your decisions. Keep up the good work!
Nothing major to report. I did get a bed yesterday so I'm happy about that. Not having to sleep on the air mattress anymore.
I'm struggling with just feeling lonely. I miss being around her. Still haven't had urges to contact her so I'm doing good there. My phone rang today and it was from an unknown number. I didn't answer it.
I've been praying for the OM in this too in addition to my W. My friend (who has a bit of a cruel sense of humor) texted me last night to say my prayers must be working. I asked him what he meant and he informed me OM scored 2 touchdowns in a preseason game last night. I kinda laughed to myself and just responded "good for him."
I don't know...I really don't know the point of this post. I guess I'm just feeling down today for whatever reason. I hung out with a friend last night at my apartment and just watched some tv and laughed about random stuff but I still just feel empty at times and even a bit of frustration. But I'm resolved to continue to focus on only what I can control because I know I can't change her. I do wonder if she thinks about me, if she feels guilty, etc. I don't know how I'd ever really know. I guess it's pointless to wonder about that.
This week will be a pretty busy week. School cranks right back up on Thursday and I'm going to have the semester from hell but I have to accelerate stuff to get done with my program. At least that will keep me occupied a good bit.
I've been trying to think of scenarios of her reaching out to me and how I'd handle them. Right now, I feel like it's best to just ignore her all together if she contacts me but I do wonder what would happen when she gets back on September 5th. Then she's stateside for good. I imagine she'll be doing a fair amount of traveling to and fro to see OM but I just don't really know how I'll handle things if she does reach out to me. People have told me they think she will but without making up another reason to contact me, I don't know why she would. There's nothing really left for she and I to work out in terms of bills and stuff. Maybe one or two things but nothing major at all. For all intents and purposes, we could go until October 19th (mediation date) and not see one another because as BAD as I want to, I just don't know how to initiate any contact with her and in many ways, I don't feel like I should. And I can't see her contacting me either. That being said, I don't want to completely REJECT any and every attempt she makes because I could potentially be rejecting an attempt at her "coming back."
On top of that, we'll go through her birthday (Sept 25th) and our anniversary (Oct 3rd) before we even get to mediation.
Sorry if this has been jumbled and random...stream of consciousness in some ways. Hope everyone has had a good weekend.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
In the midst of my downward feelings yesterday I saw a post she made on Facebook:
"There are things in life that I can't even begin to understand the reasoning behind. Thats when I really have to focus on taking my hands out of it, sitting back and letting God work. He knows whats best for me, and thats a comforting feeling. So Still I Stand! To have fear is to take God out of the equation.. so be FEARLESS! Have a great rest of the day FB Fam! ~ I Smile~ ; )"
Confused the hell out of me because I can't see how she would believe God is "encouraging" her behavior.
Then her twitter posts:
"Not my will, but yours be done. #trust" - (again...THIS is His will? Seems like hers to me.)
"Sometimes the first step in moving past a bad experience is simply saying to yourself "I'm going to be alright", and believing it." (Soooo...I'M the "bad experience?")
"So much clearer to me now... my eyes were wide shut for a long time. Everything looks perfect through rose colored glasses. #itookmineoff" (No words.)
And then finally...the swift kick to the groin...publicly admonishing OM for his on the field accomplishments:
"OM BALLED OUT today!! Congrats to him and OM's team on their win today!!"
Don't know why I bothered to look but it is flat out disgusting to me and doesn't show any signs of her "missing" me even with me not responding to or contacting her for what will be 7 straight days this evening.
I'm definitely still committed to changing me regardless but I feel like at times I'm not really DB'ing because I'm not doing anything to spur "change" in my marital situation...because as of now, no change appears imminent. Just trying to maintain faith and hope but it gets tough when you see public displays like that for thousands of people to read.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
MTS - I am really sorry about all of this. On the surface this is very disgusting.
On the DB level: Remember the "Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do". I'd say there's a very good chance she is doing some self-convincing and self-justification for her actions. She is completely caught up on the new relationship with the OM and she wants to feel good about it.
On the spiritual level (and these are just my thoughts): The enemy will often try to masquerade as the voice of truth. That could be happening right now with your W. Another thought is this actually could be part of God's plan - He works in mysterious ways. It could be the road your W needs to go down so that she'll never go down this path again. She has to go down this path a ways to get a taste of the destruction to the point where she is completely broken and she has no choice but to turn to God. He could also be using it to bring you closer and equip you to be the strong man he needs you to be.
At least you're just a bad experience. My h posted on a video on Youtube that he had escaped his life's doom and gloom! Imagine how much of a kick in the guts that was!
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
I talked to my DB coach, Leni tonight. I got her caught up on everything that has happened in the last 11 days and I acknowledged I had done too much in the way of pursuing. She agreed after my description. We talked about a Last Resort letter that I am beginning to formulate but she said she doesn't believe now is the time to use it...it is still too soon as we are only in month 4 of this ordeal. She often talks about the fact that most affairs last 6-9 months or so and sometimes longer when they are long distance like my W's. Again, I'm in month 4. 6 months will be when we meet for mediation.
She also noted that she feels like my W is reaching out to others because she may already see some signs that things with OM are not what she hopes they would be so she needs to have additional "back up" plans so that she can somewhat guard herself from the failure. I thought that was an interesting concept and one that I really didn't fully consider. Long story short, she reiterated what many of you have helped me understand: I know what I need to do and have known for a long time but just haven't done it.
I asked her how I should react to the fact that my W is set to begin competing on Sunday in the World Championships and should I contact her to wish her well because that is something I always would do. She reiterated that my W probably feels as if I am extremely predictable (which has been true if I'm honest with myself) and that she truly thinks maybe this is one of those instances where I DON'T reach out to my W and kind of leave her wondering.
She also encouraged me to get back to the basics some of the things from our first few calls...don't lose hope. Visualize the ending I have in mind. Look at "What would I usually do?" If that doesn't usually work, don't do it. Don't act out of fear or desperation.
One thing I think I'm going to do for sure is RE-read DR. I think keeping the DB principles in the forefront will really help me live them. She also suggested I read The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by Gotman (sp?) and I bought the book but haven't read it yet either so that will be one of my goals this week. In fact, I think I'm about to grab a glass of wine and sit out on my porch and do some reading before going to bed. Don't have to be at work until 10:30am so I have some time that I can use to reinforce the DBing habits and understand the process better.
I love you guys on here for remaining so consistent and helping reinforce to me all of these types of principles. It has really helped me a great ton. I'm still trying to hold out on the adultery piece of stuff with my lawyer...I'll wait until I've spoken with my pastor this Thursday before trying to reassess. I still have time. Basically need to decide by September 1st.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
One thing I think I'm going to do for sure is RE-read DR. I think keeping the DB principles in the forefront will really help me live them. She also suggested I read The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by Gotman (sp?) and I bought the book but haven't read it yet either so that will be one of my goals this week. In fact, I think I'm about to grab a glass of wine and sit out on my porch and do some reading before going to bed. Don't have to be at work until 10:30am so I have some time that I can use to reinforce the DBing habits and understand the process better.
This sounds fantastic man.
Really glad you are getting value from the DB coaching. Lenni is great.
Peace man.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
