I am new to this forum, but I have been doing alot of reading here in the last couple days.
A little background here:
I have been married 3 years this past August. On Valentines Day (2008) my husband proposed to me. Then in July (2008) I found out I was pregnant. So we sent the date in August (2008). Had a great honeymoon, with the exception of morning sickness. I had morning sickness for about 3 months, everyday, all day. Well, my husband left his email open and I decided to snoop. I know it wasn't right. Anyways, I found an email to his ex-firlfriend talking about me. I confronted him with it and he said he would not email her again. Well, a week or two later, I found another email to her from him. So, he lied to me. Well, I tried to move on, but it was hard because I didn't know if I could believe anything he said after that. Well, I gave birth to baby girl in February 2009. He decided to take a couple weeks off to help me. One day he received a text message from a co-worker. And I read it. It said, I miss you and I love you. I confronted him with that and he said it was nothing. Well, he decided to switch jobs because the one that he was in was too stressful for him. When he switched jobs, then we were on totally different schedules. We never spent any time together. June (2010) one night I was playing with him about his cell phone. He got really mad and jerked it right out of my hand. So I thought that was odd. So the next day I pulled up our cell phone records on line and discovered he was texting a female co-worker 100 times a day for 3 months. I confronted him about the text messages to the same number. He told me it was all business. Well the next day, he was in the shower and his cell phone was laying right there. I decided to check his text messages and sure enough, what did I find. More text messages to that same number. And the text messages was not business at all, if you know what I mean. After he got out the shower I asked him when he switched departments (he is a nurse) and he looked at me like I was crazy. I told him that I read the text messages and he looked me right in the face and lied to me. A day later he told me that he was moving out. Well he did. He was gone for about 3 weeks. And in that 3 weeks period, he would not have anything to do with me, but he was in constant contact with her. She is married with 3 small kids of her own. Well, he moved back in after 3 weeks and said that he would never text her again. He didn't because I kept checking the cell phone records. But they still worked together. Well, an opportunity came up for him to transfer to another department. That meant leaving the hospital where he was working at. I thought it would be great and we could start over. Well, I found out that he started to talk to another female about our marital problems. I confronted him about that and he told me that since he could not talk to me about our problems then he needed some one to talk too. Oh, BTW, we did counciling for a looonnnggg time. The councilor did not help us. I believe she only hurt us. Well, this past July, he asked me for a divorce. I told him know. That he wanted the easy way out. That he needed to stay and we need to work on this. He said that he needed a private life me. That meant he wanted to be able to text or facebook anyone he wanted too and I should trust him. Well, we have been separated for 5 weeks now. We meant for drinks a couple weeks ago and he told me he still wanted the divorce and that he hated me and could not stand to see me. I suggested we live apart for awhile and start over. That meant dating and being friends all over. He said he could not think about that right now. That he needed to focus on our daughter and himself. I understand that, but why does he got to cut me off completely? I am giving him his space because I am hoping that with enough time, he will see that he loves and misses me. I still love him very much. Do you think that I still have hope with him? Any advice right now would be great.
Hi, Hope. I'm sorry you have to be here. What are things like as far as your H seeing your D? Have you worked out visitation or anything?
Honestly, the best thing for me was to be away from my H and have as little contact with him as possible in the beginning. When you say you guys went to counseling for a long time, did you go together, individually or both? At this point in time he cannot handle and R talk or future plans. I would not even mention this.
Have you read DR? If not, get a copy yesterday and read it over and over and OVER again. It's like our bible. It will help you keep your sanity.
I am staying away from him. The only time we have contact is about our D. As far as counseling, we went together 95% of the time. We both also had individual counseling.
No, I have not read DR? But I am planning to get a copy in the next day or two.
My D is starting to show signs of all this. I tried explaining that to him and he doesn't want to hear it. He said that I am trying to put him on a guilt trip.
What I don't understand is that he is so angry with me. But I am the one that caught him lying to me. He told me that I have trust issues. Well, I try to explain to him, when you catch someone lying to you face to face, then how can you trust them after. I am the one that should be angry with him, but I am willing to put that in the past and move on.
I am giving him his space. The only time I contact him is to inform him of anything to do with our D.
I have written him a letter, but unsure when I should give it to him.
Well, I made my husband an offer this morning. I asked him if I could move in with him and sleep in our daughter's room and we can live like roommates. That way she can have the both of us and we can work on us becoming friends again. He said he would think about it. I hope this is not a mistake.
Yes, it is a mistake. You do not move back in with him UNLESS he has done the hard work to FIX HIS CHRONIC INFIDELITY PROBLEM and offered you TOTAL TRANSPARENCY (access to phone records etc. )
This guy has been lying and/or cheating since your pregnancy. He moves away from one problem woman and instantly finds another.
I don't care WHAT your issues are (and yes, we all benefit here from taking a good hard look at ourselves and fixing our part)but there is NOTHING you could have been doing that explains away his behavior. He's not a one-time slip-up, he's a chronic cheater. And I bet if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit that his past history before he met you was full of red flags - isn't it?
Well, my husband turned down my offer. I guess it's for the best. When will the hurt and the pain go away? I go to bed crying. I wake up crying. I try to get on with my day, but it is so hard. Is he hurting like I am? I am trying to focus on other things in my life, but it is hard. I start school Monday, so that should help. I haven't been in school in 25 years.
Hopeful, My W was a chronic cheater too so I feel your pain. It was very hard for me in the beginning as well. I went to bed crying and woke up crying just like you are now. I always thought of what I could have done differently to try and prevent this but after taking a long hard look at myself and with the help of an IC she helped me realize that there was nothing I could do. Like everyone else here I did contribute to the problems in my M but nothing close that would drive her to have two A's.
Like your H, my W projected all of her anger at me to justify her actions. It wasn't me who drove her to this but they were her issues and her issues ALONE. Once I realized this I stopped beating myself up and really started to work on myself. I am very proud of the father and man I am and continue to grow everyday gaining the tools I need to be the best person I can be.
Unfortunately for me I'm at the end of this M and I'm ok with that. I no longer want to have a R with the alien that has consumed my W.
I'm not saying that is what your results are going to be but just focus on yourself and your D and regardless of what happens you will come out of this a better person to.
Keep your chin up and I'll be praying for you.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
