Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

H is nervous about starting his new job on Wed. He is meeting w/ his new boss tomorrow and then with a new coworker tomorrow evening to start easing into it. I need to get him to talk to me about being nervous so that he knows that I, and I alone, am the one that is here for him.

I am not very good at getting people to start talking about something that is bothering them. Any tips?

[dbmod]

Soccer-

You are so smart to make a plan that lets you control how you behave.

"I am worried that my LRT is making him feel like it is ok for him to leave because he knows that I am going to be fine. "

He may feel that way initially. Don't sweat that--you may need to go through that phase for him to start 'wondering' about you. That can take a guy 8-12 weeks. When you get that chance--for a second first impression--the new you--rock it.

Greeting him with emotion and nagging will make things worse--it will push him away.


"I am also worried that he is willing to stick around for a while not because he thinks something might change, but that I will agree to an amicable separation in a couple months when nothing does change."

Don't worry about his 'whys' right now. They probably aren't good, so don't sweat them. Just change it.


"Should I push these worries aside and try to just be thankful that he is here so I can better DB? I think Laurie might have told me not to think too much into the reason why he does things and just accept them as they are, primarily because reasons can easily change, and true reasons are often hidden."


Exactly. Push the worries aside, they make you come off needier anyway. Have confidence. You are a good person with a good heart, you attracted him before, you can do it again. In fact, you have more knowledge of what does it for him than anyone else.

Trust Laurie, she's steering you the right way. Trust yourself when you are using your logic.

Hang in there.

[soccerwife]

Thanks dbmod, I think for sure I would go insane if I didn't find this forum and have those initial calls with Laurie. I am so grateful for you all.

[soccerwife]

More heartache.

I was right, when H got home from his long weekend of single life, he was much more distant than when he left on Friday morning. It happens that way every time.

He was really hurting and I encouraged him to open up to me. I guess I shouldn't have, but I want him to be able to trust that he can come to me with anything and I won't go emotional. Well, he asked me if I would go see a divorce mediator with him. I asked if he would give me 2 weeks to think about it and he flew off the handle saying that I really didn't love him or care about his feelings.

I remained calm and respectful for the entire conversation and finally agreed to go to the divorce mediator meeting for as soon as he gets it set up. I realized that I can not be obstructive to whatever his wishes are. (What he doesn't know is that we can't set up a meeting until after we have been separated for 3 months and we have each already talked to a lawyer, something he does not want to do. I will let him figure all of this out on his own.) I started to feel myself lose my cool towards the end and I started to tell him how much he means to me so I abruptly but pleasantly ended the conversation and told him I needed to take a drive to clear my head.

Did I do the right thing?

I know what I have to do now, absolutely no encouragement for conversation. ONLY speak when spoken to.

[soccerwife]

Well, it has only been a couple minutes and I messed up terribly. I went down stairs and had to add my last two cents from last night's conversation and it went all wrong. He is mad that I told him D has to be his decision alone because it isn't what I want. He feels that I don't care about his feelings. He wants something to change immediately.

I feel like the doe laying on the side of the road, still breathing, just waiting for time to stand still, but each pain-filled second takes an eternity. I think I could die from this pain. Please, God, help me shut up.

How do I stop the freight train from moving?

[soccerwife]

Maybe, just like the doe, it would be better if H called the authorities like he wants to. They can come by and put me out of my misery. I don't know what to do anymore. This is going the wrong way and I hurt so much.

the more DB I try to do, the more H wants to leave me. Help!

[soccerwife]

my MC session was cancelled for today. I can't go another week without it. I am going to have to schedule an appointment with Laurie asap.

[soccerwife]

Laurie can't talk to me until Wednesday. I told my dad and my grandmother what is going on... I can't go through this alone anymore. I think it is also time to ask my physician for anxiety meds. I need all the help I can get.

[LearningPatience]

soccer,
I know how hard it gets. Just try to get through the next minute. Once you've done that, get through the next. Soon, you'll be getting through the next 10 minutes, hours and so on.

We're here to help you in any way we can!

[soccerwife]

Pain.

I had another nightmare last night. This time I was running through a concrete maze of city streets. There were no other people, or life for that matter. There were no lights. Only grey angular concrete and stark skies. I ran up and down endless streets only to reveal the next dismal block of looming skyscrapers. I tried with all of my might to get somewhere but I just kept moving slower and feeling more lost.

If you have ever had the "running but not getting anywhere", "running against the wind", or "running up hill" dream you know what I am talking about. I don't even know what I was running from or what I was looking for; I only knew that I was scared/uncertain/searching and I had to run.

I fell asleep envisioning H's arms wrapped around me, comforting me in my time of need, but woke up to a harsh reality as I remembered the dream my subconscious provided. I am broken. I fear I am forever incapable of trusting, bonding, or loving.