Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

I may be on the verge of making a mistake, or maybe not. I don’t know, so I’m throwing this out there for comments. Cyrena, 25 yrs, my other buddies, I hope you read this.

I haven’t been posting much because nothing much has been happening. I am in true limbo, and have been for quite sometime now.

H is still home, and outwardly, we are still acting like a married couple. We just came from vacation for a week with D12, and had fun exploring the ruins at Athens and the streets of London.

At times, we talk, about this and that. Nothing deep, nothing that makes us connect. No R talk. Nothing about emotions, feelings, decisions. Rarely even anything funny. Mostly either about clothes, shopping, food. Not even about D12 at this point.

Inside I am slowly dying. Nothing earthshaking, I know, but I feel like a candle that is slowly being burned down to its end.

Things between us have deteriorated, to the point that:

We are no longer intimate, haven’t been for 2 months now. At first, I missed it badly, but now, I don’t even feel my sex drive anymore.

He flinches when I even so much as touch him. We still sleep in the same bed but its been the clinging to the edge of the mattress scenario. If in my sleep I touch or roll close to him, he pushes my offending part away. Once he even did it so hard I yelped and got mad at him. And yet conversely, he still is so dependent on me. Work issues, household stuff, even laundry and socks …..

He barely looks at me now. I still don’t think that he looks at me with hatred, but more with resentment. Or indifference, maybe.

I don’t even feel that we are friends. He never shares anything with me, even things like he went to a concert with his family, or that members of his family are coming to visit. If I don’t learn from them, I wouldn’t know. He plans things with our D, then only talks to her about it, letting me know indirectly. Yesterday I complained of his rudeness, said all that I expected was common courtesy, and he snorted “common courtesy?” but he did proceed to be nice to me the rest of the day. This has happened a few times, where he pushes me to the edge, I blow up, and then he is nice for a couple of weeks or so. I think I tend to over-react though.

It’s a roller coaster still. On his part, he alternates doing nice things, like buying me an expensive gift, then being withdrawn, then bringing our whole family on vacation, taking care of us, and then being rude. He explodes at me for small things, like talking to a door to door salesman, warning me not to let anyone in the house while when he is not here, being so concerned for our safety.

He told a friend of ours that he feels he is a good person, that he has our welfare in mind, implied he would not leave his family, break up his family, and that he will take care of us, even if he feels that he never really loved me. Yet he maintains contact with OW, emailing her how seeing the restaurants in her hometown reminded him of their past, and how he was getting emotional.

OW said “yes, they were good memories” I know I snooped, but sometimes I have this overwhelming need to know, and had the perfect opportunity.

About me, I also am on a roller coaster but lately have been “floating”, as my D12 calls it. No motivation. Even my “standing” status is shaky. My prayers feel hollow and forced sometimes. I cry easily, having a few meltdowns here and there. I wallow in self pity. My self esteem is low. I feel used, discarded, rejected.

I do feel professionally OK though and when with my friends am happy.

So what am I thinking of doing?

3 days ago, D12 told me she did not like to go back to her school, and that she wanted to go somewhere else.

I told her about my various job options, that a company across the country has expressed interest in me.

She said, why don’t we move there? I asked her “what about your Dad?” and she said – its OK, as long as I could get to see him once in a while it will be fine.

I asked her if she is aware that we might be asking for trouble (causing the break-up of the family). She said – it might lead to the other way around he might finally realize what it is like to miss us. Also, that she knows how stressful it is for us to be together, knowing the situation we are in.

This opened a whole new world of possibilities for me, as previous to this; D12 was one for my reasons for staying….. But if she thinks she will be happy away from her Dad……

I submitted my application for the job. Now I don’t know what to do if they are interested….I think they will be….Now I am faced with the possibility of making a big decision.

I am afraid though that leaving is like giving up. I don’t want to give up 5 mins before the miracle….I believe in my vows…I believe God is working on restoring my M…..but at the same time, will this move make me a better person? Is it the best for D12? For H?