A new perspective???

[AntoniaB]

IB I fluctuate between being angry at XH prancing around with a carefree life with OW and being sad and hurt that he's doing it, but in both cases, yeah, I'm deeply affected by what he's "doing" and frankly I don't even know at all--my friend who is still connected to him on fb only says he just posts that he is "drinking, fishing, and following OW around watching her sing."

I don't know why it all matters to me, and then I get upset at myself for being upset. I was doing some reading and basically read that this means I'm not "accepting" of my current life--that when I get angry at him for leaving me to take care of a property and a home and all our pets, that what that says is that I don't accept my life and want him to drop what he's doing and save me from this existence and go back to sharing the "burdens." I suspect that's what you're feeling too.

It's tough because you start thinking, would I have gotten into this, that, and the other in the first place if I had known I'd be doing it all alone? Would I have all these pets? No. Would I have this huge property? No. Can I get rid of the pets or move? Yeah. But I don't want to. I shouldn't "have" to just because he lost his mind and betrayed me.

So see, I sort of got an easier lifestyle because HE was choosing to be in it. Now he's choosing not to. What I'm angry about is that I see him denying me "easier." My friend said the other day that I am so geographically isolated from everyone so I'm SO alone so much. And then I thought, well, I moved here 23 years ago. With him. How was I supposed to know that one day, he'd leave me alone here? And my job and its security is here. I can't just leave to make it easier.

So I think we have to look at this more as being widowed. Had we lost our spouses to death, we'd also be stuck out here having to pick up all these pieces by ourselves. Sure we'd get angry over it, but we'd probably be angry at God, not at our spouses, because we'd think well, our spouses didn't CHOOSE to leave us with all this.

Somehow knowing they CHOSE to leave us with all this is the part we can't accept.

From what I read, the more we get used to our "new" lives thrust upon us, the more that we will not resent them for what appears to be their living it up. And every time I think about these people choosing to hurt us, I just try to tell myself there is a greater reason at work for all this happening.

I hope that you have a good week. I've really struggled in the past month and so much of what I'm feeling is exactly what you're articulating, and I thought I was "done" with all this and I suspect you thought you would be too by now. I think we are both terrible perfectionists and really far too hard on ourselves and it's too early for us to be out of the woods. One day at a time.

[irishblessings]

Antonia - thanks for the response. And thanks for sharing your readings - I'm always looking to learn something new:)

I would agree to some degree that I've not "accepted" this new life. This is not the life I chose. I chose to share my life with someone I loved and respected. I chose to commit myself to my marriage vows. I chose to make my family the number one priority in my life.

But this is the life I have right now. I can't walk away from my responsibilities. I have a son who deserves to be cared for.

I absolutely HATE what I have become through this. The very things I thought were my strengths - have been reduced to visible failings. My resiliency is gone - my genuine joy is gone. My hopefulness is gone. All of this happening now - when my D is getting married and my other two are graduating from HS and college.

I am lost

[AntoniaB]

Oh my, your resiliency is so NOT gone!! You'd never be making it day to day if you didn't have your resiliency. I think you figure because you feel lost and sad and upset and all those things that those emotions mean you aren't strong or resilient, but seriously, you are. If you weren't resilient, you'd have given up by now and probably gotten into drugs or alcohol or some other crutch to cope, or you might not even be here, if you know what I mean.

Now joy and hope? I hear you on that one. I think I have moments of joy--one of my kittens just put her play mouse inside her water dish to indicate "Mom I want more water." This made her water all purple from the mouse dye. That gave me temporary joy. Then I thought, "Oh yeah. I'm in a nightmare that never ends."

(I'm being a drama queen to some extent there to make a point).

I think you are having small moments of happiness or even just peace, if you really think about it. But unbounded joy that lasts and lasts? Probably not. You're still too traumatized. But it won't be gone forever.

And hope, well, that's tied to resiliency isn't it? Because if you didn't have hope you could make it, you'd be a basket case. You might THINK you're a basket case, but you probably can still work, pay the bills, run your errands, and be a friend and family member. If you were a wreck, you'd be like you were probably in week one, crying nonstop, unable to sleep, eat, focus, or do anything.

You're doing better than you think. I am too. I think we need to constantly remind ourselves of that. You're doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt.

[beatrice]

IB and Antonia - the joy returns eventually, but my godness it takes its time about it.

I relate to everything you both said - their leaving us with the work and burdens, and the financial worries, and living it up with OW. Or apparently so. But I am not there any more, at last.

We gradually become someone else, authentically, through and through. And it is an attractive person, because we are realistic, tough, and independent.

We can bail out of this process and go grab a security blanket, but just like getting fit and losing weight require sustained effort, so, much more, does working through this and healing. When you are healed you will get your joy back. if you don't, come and beat me up!

It is the healing that takes the time.

IB my eldest son got married 9 months post bomb - what should have been a day of joy was, let us say, very,very hard. But much later a friend told me that I became her role model that day for how I handled it, and it enabled her to get through her daughter's wedding, with her xh! [And i thought I was hanging in there by the skin of my teeth]

It was a wonderful wedding and now I remember the good bits. Including a fab hat!

I am not sure that life is always meant to be easy, but we expect it to be easier than this, that is for sure. I do find though that I no longer sweat the small stuff. Not worth it.

[AJM]

Something else to point out. You mention being angry that x is prancing about acting carefree and happy. It might be interesting to think differently about that. For one thing I've noticed that some people try too hard to be happy. Why? Because they aren't. But they keep trying like a fish swimming upstream. Does it mean they are happy and content? Nope.

Another of interest - anyone that walks into their life and takes them away from a long family relationship or walks away from one is subject to that happening to them. That scares the cr*p out of them. Try and be content knowing what you did to somebody could happen to you and that you would deserve it in some way

I post that not to be angry or vindictive. I actually think along those lines sometimes to be empathetic. I know she was mean and nasty to me, and tries/tried to hurt me in every way she could. She even wanted me to end the relationship. But I don't hate and don't wish her any ill will. I hope she does well. I hope she finds the happiness she so desparately and frantically is looking for.

Practice the forgiveness. Look past the facade. See the truth in the situation and embrace it. Understand that the symptoms are not the same as the cause. And keep your head up high. You may just be an inspiration for somebody else that very much needs it.

AJ

[irishblessings]

B and AJM,

Thanks for the responses. It helps so much to hear the reinforcements and support that things will get better.

I want so much to feel better!

IB

[AJM]

Funny thing. I was cleaning out some old paperwork the other day and ran across an old journal I was keeping. I flipped through it and started to laugh a bit at some of the things I had said. I was very depressed apparently. One page I flipped to I had written that things will get better. No question in my mind, but I was getting a little impatient That was in 2009.

I was right, in case you were wondering

[AntoniaB]

IB due to you putting yourself out there in this support group, today I decided to join a meditation group that is forming at my college. The notice came out and the leader is a friend, and I decided that I'd try this out. As it turns out my friend told me that he suffered a breakdown of his own related to issues from his divorce 20 years ago and that last year, he began meditation to avoid medication, and so he said it would personally make him happy if he could help me out. So thanks for the inspiration :-)

[irishblessings]

Way to take care of yourself Antonia!

[AJM]

Good work AB.

Just as a reiteration, it is not a matter of if. It is a matter of when. I think AB's friend underscores that with action. Deal with it or it will deal with you.

Given those choices, you have to ask if your life is worth the price to pay to hang on. Your health, both emotionally and physically. To hang on to somebody that is unwilling to help themselves or just doesn't want to be around you any longer (for whatever reason). Is that worth your mental and physical health when they may not even give it a second thought at this point?

My answer is no. It is not. That took me a long time to get to that point and I see what many others have said before me: it is time that was wasted because I can't change things and I can't get that time back.

I can't change things in the past. I can change things going forward. I choose to. I put sooooooo much effort into it it's scary sometimes (to me).

I realize that it's much more important to focus on me and my needs than to hang on to a person that no longer wants to be with me.

I was married, happily for over 17 (knew her for 20+ and travelled the world and had two kids with her) years when the bomb was dropped. Similar to other stories to be sure, but in my case my ex also tried/tries very hard to inflict pain where possible while blaming me for everything. Fun stuff. I absorbed much of it. I didn't fight back very much. Very passive about a lot of it. Passive/agressive I'm sure would be the term. But know what? I know I fought back in the only way open to me without damaging my kids any more than they are. I chose that route to protect them.

The only cost that might have been avoided was my own sanity. The jury is still out on that one but looking at it I very much could have chosen at any time to pull the plug. I in no way have even one tiny regret about what I've done over the past 20 years and would have done it all again.

Before you protest, my ex certainly does better with medication and possibly professional help. I learned and accepted I cannot help her. Like a drowning person, she has to allow that help or I have to let her drown unless I'm willing to drown with. I have repsonsibility to my children and so that's not even an option. I'm glad it's not but spent time worrying about those kind of decisions.

I mention all of this to point out that you make the choices even where you think you have no choice.

Take care of yourself and seek out those who will be there for you that can understand what you are talking about and can empathize. Online is fine, but believe me it is no substitute for the personal touch and interaction.

AJ