Need Encouragement

[InAPickle]

Haven't journaled in a while, just feeling the urge to pen some thoughts.

It's been nearly three months since the D, and things haven't changed much. XW still looking for a job, although she's moonlighting at a retail consignment shop one day a week.

Although I stopped all pursuing behavior months and months ago XW still seems to be in a "distancing" kind of mode. ie: very little communication, all business, none of the small talk you find reading other sitches. And that's fine, because I do the same thing. Her affair, I suspect is still in full gear as she still follows the Cincy Reds in MLB, which only began when she got involved with OM.

I figure, she's still in justification mode and is consiously trying to not send me any wrong signal. Although I have moved on in my own mind, I guess living together and my not actively chasing any skirts, might look like I'm waiting for her to .... whatever.

Anyway I still sometimes cycle through some bitter feelings and struggle, but I've got to hold it together until my S12 releases the apron strings. XW also seems to be more buddy, buddy with him, probably another manifestation of her guilt for doing what her own mother did to her own 12 year old little brother. The more I think about the past nine months, the more I realize how far from my wedding bride that XW has morphed. (she despised what her mother did) And it is becoming less and less apparent to me that I "could have" seen this coming and contributed any less to her walking away. It still boggles my mind to this day that she never gave me any ultimatums or any chance, that our eighteen years together and our family was not worth saving.

Which brings me to the place I occupy now, wondering whether forgiveness is tied to one's willingness to welcome the prodigal person back. Sure she may never contemplate reconcilation in her future, but can you forgive without leaving the recon door open, 'cause in all honesty, she's got to do some more morphing, before I would ever even consider it. In fact, with every passing day I look more and more forward to the day she leaves my house.

Maybe her presence is just a constant reminder of the pain and anguish, her new found sports interest flaunting her affair in my face, I don't know, but it's so nice when she's not around. I think I'd much rather be "missing" her (even what she has become) than juggling feelings of hate and pity.

Now don't you all go 2x4 on me.
This is just a little phase I am dealing with, and a little journal entry.