I am so angry right now. This morning the kids were late to school and my soon to be ex-wife was going to keep my daughter home. I asked her why and told her that our daughter needs to go to school. To keep from going on a horrible rant here, let's just say that she was late.
My STBEW confronted me this morning asking why I'm completely different than what I was. I told her that I felt I needed to step up for the kids to make everything go as smooth as possible for them, plus I'm moving on with my life and I'm doing things that make me happy. She goes off on how holier than thou I am being. She ended up saying that she feels sorry for me, blah, blah, blah.
This afternoon....we work up a parenting plan as far as how things were going to go with the kids until papers were filed. I then asked her if we could be respectful in front of the children. I said that although we both have issues with each other, that she is moving out tomorrow and there's no point talking about the past...it's over.
Ten minutes later my daughter opened the back of my stbxw's car. It's pt cruiser and my little girl can reach it to close it. so i shut it for her. just as i was doing the her mom comes out and starts yelling at me to get out of her car. i told her i was just shutting the trunk. she's like no, you were looking in the back of my car. my daughter looked at her and said no, mommy, i opened the back and he was shutting it for me. i pulled my ex off to the side and firmly told her that she is not going to talk to me like that in front of the kids. i told her that i'm not going to talk to her like that and she needs to show me some respect in front of the girls.
everything i do is wrong. she went to her car and pulled out the car seat. i told her that i didn't need it because i bought one today...she throws a fit, why didn't you tell me before i went to the car....how am i supposed to know that? seriously?
if I breathe I'm doing it wrong....I know that I have to be the stronger person. Right now, it's really getting hard biting my tongue. She is so angry.
tonight she is taking one of our daughters out to a fair with some friends and the ow. as i stated in an earlier post, i found my ex and the ow laying together on the couch yesterday. I took a picture of it. they denied everything of course. the ow wanted to talk to me about it, so I talked to her after my ex went to work. i was going to take our youngest daughter to the fair tonight too. earlier i asked my ex if it would be a problem, which she stated no. tonight i overheard her on the phone and the ow was asking if i was going (i have really good ears, so i can hear what she's saying). so i asked my ex again if it was going to be weird because of what happened yesterday and the fact her friend is asking if I'm going. she told me that i give myself too much credit and she doesn't sit around and think of me let alone talk about me.
tomorrow she is moving out. which should help. however, she is having at least eight of her friends over (including the OW) to help her move out. I don't trust any of them and I'm not going to leave this house wide open to them and take off. she hasn't even packed yet...apparently they are doing that tomorrow? anyway, we have agreed on what is staying and going. like i said, i just want to make sure that they aren't going to cause any damage. they are all convinced i am satan's spawn. so i told her i was going to hang out...of course, you know how that went.
i don't know if she's following the script. I don't know why she's so mad. I don't know why she's being so vindictive. what i do know is that what was going to be a peaceful divorce is turning into something bitter. I am trying my best to keep my mouth shut....which i have slipped here and there....there's only so much a person can take. she is just so full of hate and i'm having a hard time dealing with it. i literally feel like i have her mom, the ow and her husband (yes, I said husband and I have no idea why he isn't throwing a fit), her four brothers, and a couple co workers and family friends all lining up against me. i don't want anybody that i know to take sides...it's ridiculous...i know what I've done wrong. plus, i'm not the one having the affair.
any advice with staying calm in situations like this? any advice on what to do? sadly, I'm sure you've all been through it.
You are in a tough spot right now....one that I do not envy, although it is nothing that many of us here havent experienced.
I remember vividly similar events happening....
One of the things that helped was, to understand that this anger that she is spewing at you, is EXACTLY what she needs, in order to push away from you.
Often times, the wayward spouse will use that anger to twist you, and turn you into the person that they need you to be- so that they can justify walking away from you.
Try to back away from her anger when she spews it. This woman knows you bettr than anyone else....and to say that she knows what buttons to push on you for a reaction ? Is quite an understatement....
Those buttons...try to recognize when she is pushing them, identify them, and then remove them....
Once those are removed, she will try to find all new buttons.....don't let her.
You may be surprised at how low she will go to find those buttons too...Usually, it involves using the kids as a button.
Try to keep an even head through the beginning phases of her crisis, make sure to rest and take time for you too.
You are gonna have to find what you can and cannot accept as far as the OW being involved...
Try to remove yourself from the situation whenever you can, and ask if this is something that is harmful to your kid(s), or something that you have issue with.
IF the kid(s) are not in harms way, then you need to shelf your feelings and let her have that freedom right now.
That is part of the time and space she is asking for...
The less you interfere, the less pain you will cause yourself....
I know that you may feel that being seperated is the worst thing in the world right now...
And in the beginning, it very well may be.
What I can tell you is, that right now, you feel that it is the end of the world.
What you may not realize is....
That this time...after she moves out..will be a gift for you.
One that allows you to detach yourself from her behavior, and allow you to work on yourself , and heal.
I know it seems like the worst thing that could happen...
But you DO have a choice in whether it is, or it isn't....
I shared a home for 2 1/2 years with a live-in MLCer, who fought to tear our family apart....
I would relish the time when she was out and it was just me and my children. And it became the foundation for what is now a very strong bond between us.
I also want you to understand that her moving out, doesn't mean she can't move back one day...
With a better, renewed marriage in front of you...
my soon to be ex moved out yesterday and today. she was planning on having a bunch of people to help her, but no one showed up and the people who did had back problems. there was no way i was going to let her or her mother carry that heavy stuff....even though i despise my old MIL...what kind of man would i be to let them do it. so, i moved everything out of the house and loaded the truck by myself.
she pretty much took everything to her new place. she took all the beds, lamps, dishes, furniture, tables (except the kitchen table)...you get the point. she's still not finished up moving. she told me it's gonna take her a while. i told her that i was going to change the locks tonight, like i told her before. she just came over to give my oldest her shoes for school tomorrow. i didn't know she was coming, but she tried to unlock the door and walk it....and it didn't work. in a way, that is a good feeling.
i've been planning to "go dark" as soon as she moved out. sadly, it's taking longer than expected, but i'm going dark anyway. she had all of last week to pack and she had the weekend to get it all moved over. she decided not to pack. now that the locks have been changed she is going to have to work around me from now on. i'm not answering phone calls or texts...unless it's an emergency. she's basically gonna have to catch me when i'm home if she wants to get her stuff....which i'm getting a life and am not at home as much as i used to be. plus, my mother is flying in tomorrow and we are gonna be running around trying to replace all the stuff that wife (what do i refer to her as?) took with her. i feel like a jerk doing this....and i know what she is going to say...she'll give me some lecture on how we've been married over ten years and this house is half hers. i don't know exactly what the law says, but she moved out and only my name is on the deed. no papers have been filed, but i'm waiting for her to do it...i'm certainly not going to.
as i mentioned earlier she moved out. when it came time to drive the truck over to her new place they couldn't find the person who was going to drive it...they asked me and i said yes. i've never been to her place before, so i followed her there. when i pulled in to the parking lot i started to panic. i handed the keys to one of the guys that was helping her and started walking toward my house. i couldn't handle it anymore. her mom was driving by and asked me if i wanted a ride, which i said no. then the OW's husband (that's still weird to say, i wonder if he knows?) came by and told me to get in his truck, which i told him no...i didn't want to cause a scene, i just need to walk home. about two miles away from my house my MIL came by to see if i wanted a ride, of course i said no. she's been trying to get my wife and i to split up for years...i would think she would have some self-respect and quit pretending she cares.
it's a little over seven miles from her place to mine. i didn't care. i was feeling the worst pain i have ever felt before. all i knew was that if i kept putting one foot in front of the other i'd be fine. i knew if i could make it home, then i could get over her. plus, i thought of it like baseball...when you get hurt you walk it off. i didn't want to be home and think about it, so i figured this would keep me active for some time.
needless to say, i made it home. i'm a big guy (6 ft, 300 lbs) and i take a medication that makes me sweat a lot. so i dehydrate quickly. it was hot as could be, so by the time i got home i couldn't sweat anymore. and i have huge blisters on my feet. but it was worth it. i was severely dehydrated, but i made it. i feel that i kept my pride by not accepting rides from the very people who have encouraged my wife to leave, and they never saw me cry.
my wife seemed nice to me while we were moving. the nicest she's been in awhile. i guess getting away from me is a good thing for her. not for me. i kept dreaming about waking up alone...and when i did it took me an hour to get out of bed...i couldn't stand to go into my living room and see everything gone.
i've been on an emotional roller coaster. i have my girls the next couple nights, so that's good. i've noticed that reading stuff on the forums is depressing. it think the reality of her never coming back is starting to sink in.
my posts are way too long...sorry...not really, i am enjoying the support and comments.
as i posted previously, there is an OW involved with this whole thing. it's boggled my mind because my wife has never seemed interested in women...or men for that matter. she says she doesn't find anyone interesting...she's never had a sex drive, except when she was pregnant. so it hasn't made much sense to me. but she's at the ow's place all the time, or on the phone with her and i saw her and the ow laying together on the couch...spooning.
my neighbor was telling me that they saw my wife and the ow on the porch swing and my wife had her head or the ow's shoulders and chest. when i heard that, a thought popped into my head that actually makes sense. obviously, no one here knows either of them or me, but i have been as forthcoming about the situation as possible, so i think you'll be able to give me an idea if i'm in denial, crazy or possibly on to something here.
here's my thought:
my wife's mom was always gone when she was a kid. her dad moved to louisiana when she was 12. her mom was always with friends, or at school or whatever. on a side note, this is exactly what my wife is doing now. she's always gone and is enrolling into college as we speak. she'll be starting anytime now. i'll get back on track here. the ow is in her late 40's or 50's. my wife is 32.
ever since i met this ow, about three years ago, i have always thought that she was a closet lesbian. in fact, everyone that i know that has met her has said the same thing. we've all warned my wife that the ow has a crush on her. at first she denied it, then admitted it was possible, then accepted it. yet, no matter what, they both deny it. the ow is VERY religious (don't even get me started on the irony of breaking up and marriage, being secretly gay and religious). my wife has always said that even if the ow is gay, she would never do anything about it because of her religious views.
so maybe, my wife is looking at the ow as the motherly figure that she never had. this may be what she's getting out of the relationship.
what the ow may be getting out of this is a woman that will talk to her, hang on her, etc without "coming out". this maybe feeling whatever hole she is feeling in her situation.
does this seem like a possibility to anyone? i know letting go is not worry about what my wife is doing. but this is a really awkward situation that does not make any sense to me whatsoever. it just bugs me.
While I am no expert, I find it a little bit odd that your W had no sexual interest in anyone...
Is there some medical/psychological reason for that?
I also understand how strange it is for you to be thinking there is an OW, however you would not be the first person on this board to have experienced that.
It is very possible that your W is getting some sort of "motherly" need met by this woman.
Reading the boards can be a bit depressing but it can also be very helpful.
Keep posting, and be patient with yourself going through this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Man, I feel for you......I remember clearly being where you are at......We have all been there.
It does get better........however it does take TIME.
Just know that it will get better and that will help with the time thing.
Trust me when I say that you will look back on this time as a "growth" period for you.......probably the biggest growth period in your life.
Analyzing the "why's" your W is doing this helps....just don't make the mistake of thinking that your actions will change with some realization of why your W is going through this. You can get lost in trying to figure her out.
Focus on you and your kids.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
it's been a week since my wife moved out...what an emotional roller coaster. my mother came into town to help me get the house and everything back in order so it wasn't a total disaster. it's been a good visit and i'm very appreciative that she came.
my wife still has a bunch of her stuff over here. i thought that it would be a good 180 move to pack it up and leave it on our porch. i told her it was there and suggested that she have someone with a truck pick it up. she seemed to be fine with it which surprised me as i thought she would yell at me. in fact, she's been relatively nice this week, even going so far as to allow me to have the kids a couple extra days so they could spend time with my mom.
so here comes the drama....my neighbor has been good friends with my wife and i for years. just like me, they are concerned about my wife because she is not the same person anymore. as i mentioned in an earlier post, i walked in on my wife and ow laying down together on a couch. i took a picture (i figured it could help me out when she files for divorce). my neighbor "experimented" in college. with my wife and the ow profusely claiming nothing is going on, i thought that i would show my neighbor this picture to see if i was possibly misreading the situation. who better to answer the question then someone who like sharon (wouldn't judge), has experimented and is a lady?
before i go any further, let me backtrack a bit. i have nosey neighbors that like to talk. i have never had a conversation with any of them, they are just nosey. a couple of my neighbors (in different houses) are friends or family with people that work with my wife. some of the neighbors have claimed to see my wife resting her head on the ow's shoulder or chest. so there is a lot of talking going on. they are even talking about me saying how well i am handling things, etc. i don't even know these people.
so, word is going around the neighborhood and work about my wife. it seems the general consensus is that what my wife is doing is weird. i'm not making a judgement call, just saying what apparently is being said. i find all this out tonight when my neighbor (the friend) approaches me and tells me that my wife is upset about all the chatter going around and upset about the picture, etc. here are a couple things you should know about me: 1) i keep to myself a lot. 2) i have few friends, but the friends that i have are close. this is done by choice. 3) i hate drama....i hate it. this is one of the reasons for having few friends 4) when people start telling me that it's not my fault, or how good of a person i am, i naturally start to distrust them. i'm the kind of guy that knows that i do things wrong. i like constructive criticism. i love honesty. i want to know what i can improve on. 5) i avoid people like this because i view them as yes-men. tell me the truth, not what i want to hear (which again explains why i have few friends). ultimately, very few people are allowed into the inner workings of my world. i'm polite and friendly, but i don't trust people in general.
my wife confronted my neighbor about all this stuff being said, etc. my wife came to pick up the kids and didn't say anything to me about it. now, i've really tried to give my wife space. i don't call her. i generally communicate through text and email only when necessary. however, i just felt like i should call her about this whole thing. i told her that my neighbor told me about what is going on and i wanted her to know that i have nothing to do with all the crap going on. i told her that after 15 years she should know that i don't play the drama game. she said, that she used to think that, but I'm going around trying to make her look bad. i assured her that i wasn't. i told her why i showed the picture to the neighbor. i told her that i wanted to see if i was overreacting. i don't want to be a dick about something if there's nothing to be a dick about. she again claimed that the ow was just a good friend. which i replied that it doesn't matter anymore and that it was none of my business. i am just trying to make sense of it all since i don't know why she is leaving me. i told her that i wasn't trying to pressure her into a conversation or talk her into coming back...i just was trying to make sense of things. i apologized for showing the picture to the neighbor. which she stated that i should not trust the neighbor, in which i said that i was trying to tell her the same thing. she asked that i not allow our child to go to the neighbor's house anymore as she didn't want anything bad to be said about her in front of our child...of course i agreed.
if i already hadn't messed up, then here is where i probably did...she still seemed to think that i had something to do with this. so i asked her to step back and think about it logically. i told her she knows how i feel, and that i don't want the divorce, so why would i make the person i love the most in this world look bad thus ensuring that a divorce takes place. i then assured her that i wasn't trying to get her to come back, or to feel guilty, or to talk to me about anything...i was just saying that doesn't make sense. then i asked her how making her look bad would be what was good for the kids. i told her the kids idolize her, and they should, and i would never do anything to change that. even if i hated her, the kids are my #1 priority, and i couldn't do that.
we started talking a bit more and i explained that i don't know what is going on. i'm not sure why she is leaving me and i'm confused. i followed that by saying i wasn't trying to have this conversation, i just was explaining to her about why i said anything to our neighbor. she replied that we did talk about it, which i responded by telling me that all she told me was that she has spent years saying she was happy with things, but she suddenly realizes she wasn't happy and did it for my sake. i told her that i don't even know what those things are, so how can i fix anything....she doesn't know how I'll respond if she doesn't say anything and i can't do anything if i don't know...all i tried to do is make her happy. seeing as she was listening i told her that i think filing for a divorce so quickly could be a mistake. neither of us know how we'll feel in six months. feelings like this are not forever, just like when we got married, she never would have believed we'd be in this very situation because she felt so in love with me. i explained to her that i've seen issues in my life that need to change. for example, i felt guilty if i ever did anything for me, so i never would. now that i'm on my own, i have to find myself and move forward and that i am finding out that a lot of the things i thought i hated doing (exercising, keeping up the lawn) are things that i really enjoy doing. i wasn't making these changes for her. i just know that i can't really take care of my kids effectively if i don't take care of myself. so, by taking care of me i'm becoming a better father, and i'm happier. i told her that i wasn't trying to talk her into coming back, talking about the R, make her feel guilty or anything of the sort. i told her that i respect her decision of leaving and i want her to be happy...even if that means without me. i'll gladly lay my heart down in order for her to be happy.
we talked a bit about the divorce and she really doesn't have a clue about what it entails. she hasn't even talked to a lawyer about it (i have) and she doesn't even know where to begin. i explained a few things about how things are a lot more complicated than she realized especially with kids involved. i politely told her that i do not want a divorce and i will not help her find out how to divorce me. if she wants a divorce she has to do the leg work. which she said that she'll figure out how. she then told me that she was sorry for putting me through this whole divorce thing and hurting me.
at the end of the conversation i suggested that she does not get involved with all this drama and to let it blow over...where there is no fuel there is no fire...however, she can do what she wants, but i just want to be left out of it. i told her that i loved her, then apologized for saying that because i didn't want to pressure her. i asked her to think about a separation instead of rushing into a divorce. we should see how we feel in six months and if nothing has changed then proceed with the divorce. this would also give us time to both get on our feet to the point we can afford to pay for a divorce. i then told her that whatever she wants to do with that is her decision and i will support it either way.
so, i'm confused. why would she tell me she was sorry? i know not to believe 50% of what she says and 100% of what she does. she obviously hasn't fully thought divorce out either. could this be some indication that she still may have (deep, very deep inside her) feelings for me? i can't make sense of why someone would apologize for putting me through this when they are so adamant about being unhappy with me. nor can i understand moving out and screaming divorce on the way out without even understanding what it involves.
even though i made sure to stress that fact that i wasn't talking asking her to come back, not make her feel guilty, or have a R talk, did I do the right thing here? did i say something i shouldn't have?
she did say she needed to talk to me about switching bills into her name and the like.
yes, i desperately clinging on to anything that shows that there is some hope out there. this thing is killing me from the inside out. i know i've got to let go. i just don't understand how i can do that and still keep db'ing. i feel like in order to let go, i have to give up hope. btw, i bout the divorce remedy book and started reading it. i think i'm more confused than ever.
alright...what do y'all think? thanks again for enduring another one of my novels.
