Well, I kind of wish I had checked in before now. W just called me about the sep. paperwork and could sense my great anxiety about giving her my "big speech." She asked what was wrong, so I told her.
Basically, I said that this thing with OM upsets me and that I can't deal with it. Also, I threw in that thing about this "space" being a good thing for both me and her. However, this conversation did not go as I had planned. I either expected an expression of love for me (well, no, I didn't really expect this) or a vehement expression of love for OM. Instead, I got a rebuke of us both.
She explained that she was sorry that OM upsets me, but that I shouldn't think that her R with him is something that it's not -- i.e., she's gotten to the point where she realizes that she doesn't want either of us. W stated that she didn't think that either one of us was on "her level." She also explained that it would be great if OM and I were somehow combined into the same person. He is in his thirties and has way more life experience than I do, and he also makes her feel "like the only girl in the world" (whereas she never felt that way with me). With me, I'm more with her intellectually and I always do the things that I say I will (whereas she has to "babysit" OM for everything). She also threw in that we were great but that we had no "passion." (I don't think that she realizes that ALL marriages go through the "passion has left us" phase).
She says that she doesn't expect to be with either one of us at the end of the year and feels as though I'm "holding on" to our R (which Gritter has quickly and quite rightly picked up on). This all has flown in the face of what I've expected from cases of A's -- usually the fog lasts for anywhere from four to six months. Now she no longer expresses fog-like symptoms for OM, just feelings of disdain for us both.
I'm not sure how to feel at this point. Everything seems confusing and nothing appears clear whatsoever; it feels like she says one thing one minute, then another the next. It's obvious to me, however, that I should expect to fully let go. I asked her if she wanted to go ahead and get a D since we were getting S'd anyway, but she said that it costs almost $500 and that she can't afford it right now.
