I know why I was like that now......I was unhappy, little things would stress me out, I couldn't cope with a lot and i stupidly took it out on my wife. Work pissed me off, I was sick of working so much and putting so much into it, and worrying about the future and where my career would take me. I look back and think I was mildly depressed, I was always a downer and I wrecked experiences for my W and I that should have been great. She even said that a couple of weeks ago that if I couldn't cope with pressure and stress of work, then how would I be if we had had a baby.
The thing is I'm not like that anymore......I couldn't care less about work, yes it's important but it's not my world. I am starting a new role soon, which will see me work less hours and less stress. It's just all too late though, I should have done it last year. I have the answers, I know I would never behave like that again, I am aware of the trigger signals that made me do that, I was months ago, but yet I still don't get a chance. My W would rather cut her losses and quit the M than work on it. She has blocked her feelings for me and that's what is making me so sad and so lonely and so messed up. She was my whole world, and yes I didn't always make her feel like that, and I didnt always tell her, but I feel I didn't know how. I never grew up in an affectionate household and I guess I carried those traits into my marriage. My W needs a lot of love and affection and I didn't give it to her as much as I should. I understand everything, and yet I still can't stop looking back and hating myself and not forgiving myself.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
She was my whole world, and yes I didn't always make her feel like that, and I didnt always tell her, but I feel I didn't know how. I never grew up in an affectionate household and I guess I carried those traits into my marriage.
Well if she was your whole world regardless of whether you told her or not, that is not a healthy place.
Then or now.
In healthy relationships people are evenly yoked. They are two pillars that hold up the crossbeam.
If one ox is pulling harder or one is not pulling hard enough the wagon goes off course or nowhere.
If one pillar is taller or one shorter than the other the beam will fall.
OK you get it. And it can't always be evenly balanced or won't be but it takes correction to try to keep it there.
It takes work.
You are here and you are willing to work. Your W well she isn't right now and may never be.
Which part do you control?
Which part of the equation can you change?
Get busy Cam.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Like you, I also beat myself up over the past, even though I know it isn't helpful or productive. The thing is, you could lose yourself in the coulda, shoulda, woulda's or you can choose to be different.
The thing is, no matter how remorseful we are it still cannot change anything that has happened. And if we keep living in the past we'll be stuck and never be able to move forward.
Forgive yourself. Learn from this. Vow to never return to the old Cam again and work on becoming the best person you can be for YOU.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Me too Cam.....It is because you are human, and you did the best you could with the tools that you had at the time....
I would assume that nothing you did was intentional, to cause any hurt or pain...
Originally Posted By: cam
I understand everything, and yet I still can't stop looking back and hating myself and not forgiving myself.
Whether you choose for this to be positive or negative, it is the reality of these situations Cam.
What I can tell you is...
That this....is a normal part of YOUR journey.
It is this reflection on who you were in your relationships, that allows you to start building the foundations for your future relationships.
Those things, that you see in your past actions. Those are the things that you take a long hard look at, and decide if they are the things that YOU want yourself to be like.
What seems unbearable, will actually become a gift for you.
You get to see the blueprints for Cam, and then redesign and reconstruct things as you WANT them, not as they need to be.
And this, is part of the rebuilding process....
Identifying all of the old parts that need replaced....
This is what is done for you while your spouse if off on her own journey....
You don't need her to tell you who YOU are, the same as she doesn't need you to tell her who she is...
It is a conundrum , until it is a gift that you give each other...
IF.....you choose for it to be one.
Feel everything around , put those things in perspective, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off , and start working on those new plans for you....
Feeling ridiculously angry today at my W for doing this...not sure why I'm feeling this way, but I want to make her pay for this. I think because its my mum's birthday today and she is sad that we are not sharing it as a family like we have for the last 8 years. I'm so close to emailing her and telling her she can F off and get out of my life for good, and I want her to return her engagement ring and all other expensive jewellery I bought her or I will destroy everything she has left at our house. Not a good day! She doesn't give a stuff about me or my family, so why should I be the nice guy through all of this.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
