Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[MadeToSucceed]

Nothing major to report. I did get a bed yesterday so I'm happy about that. Not having to sleep on the air mattress anymore.

I'm struggling with just feeling lonely. I miss being around her. Still haven't had urges to contact her so I'm doing good there. My phone rang today and it was from an unknown number. I didn't answer it.

I've been praying for the OM in this too in addition to my W. My friend (who has a bit of a cruel sense of humor) texted me last night to say my prayers must be working. I asked him what he meant and he informed me OM scored 2 touchdowns in a preseason game last night. I kinda laughed to myself and just responded "good for him."

I don't know...I really don't know the point of this post. I guess I'm just feeling down today for whatever reason. I hung out with a friend last night at my apartment and just watched some tv and laughed about random stuff but I still just feel empty at times and even a bit of frustration. But I'm resolved to continue to focus on only what I can control because I know I can't change her. I do wonder if she thinks about me, if she feels guilty, etc. I don't know how I'd ever really know. I guess it's pointless to wonder about that.

This week will be a pretty busy week. School cranks right back up on Thursday and I'm going to have the semester from hell but I have to accelerate stuff to get done with my program. At least that will keep me occupied a good bit.

I've been trying to think of scenarios of her reaching out to me and how I'd handle them. Right now, I feel like it's best to just ignore her all together if she contacts me but I do wonder what would happen when she gets back on September 5th. Then she's stateside for good. I imagine she'll be doing a fair amount of traveling to and fro to see OM but I just don't really know how I'll handle things if she does reach out to me. People have told me they think she will but without making up another reason to contact me, I don't know why she would. There's nothing really left for she and I to work out in terms of bills and stuff. Maybe one or two things but nothing major at all. For all intents and purposes, we could go until October 19th (mediation date) and not see one another because as BAD as I want to, I just don't know how to initiate any contact with her and in many ways, I don't feel like I should. And I can't see her contacting me either. That being said, I don't want to completely REJECT any and every attempt she makes because I could potentially be rejecting an attempt at her "coming back."

On top of that, we'll go through her birthday (Sept 25th) and our anniversary (Oct 3rd) before we even get to mediation.

Sorry if this has been jumbled and random...stream of consciousness in some ways. Hope everyone has had a good weekend.