Yeah, I understand. If you allow the feelings to subside you feel you may begin to think maybe it's not as bad as you really know it is. I know, it's too easy to just sweep it under the rug, and you know you can't do that, not after you've already been through it. Besides the emails and phone calls, are there other ways for ow to contact your H? Does she work or live near his work? Sometimes you can do on online search for someone. That's how I got the info on ow. I just felt I needed to know, although not everyone here would agree with becoming your own detective. vc
Yeah, I understand. If you allow the feelings to subside you feel you may begin to think maybe it's not as bad as you really know it is. I know, it's too easy to just sweep it under the rug, and you know you can't do that, not after you've already been through it.
Yes!!! That is exactly what I mean and how I feel! Thank goodness you know what I mean - maybe I'm not totally insane after all
Besides the emails and phone calls, are there other ways for ow to contact your H? Does she work or live near his work? Sometimes you can do on online search for someone. That's how I got the info on ow. I just felt I needed to know, although not everyone here would agree with becoming your own detective. vc
Unfortunately, yes. She no longer works with him, hasn't done for the last 4 years. This is how determined she was though....there "new" contact started because her cousin works in another department of H's work and she gave her cousin a note to send to H in the works internal mailing system!!!!!! I just think this is so predatory and was so shocked about it!
H broke down last night. He asked how I was feeling about things and I said I just can't see a way forward witout me feeling that I know what the truth is. He got angry and said some horrible things and went to bed. I was crying and decided I'd go for a drive to get out of the house and when I went to get my shoes from the bedroom he held me and said that he was so, so sorry. He said it over and over and then said he didn't know what he was going to do because he feels that he has lost me just when he has realised what a fool he's been and how much I mean to him. He said he can see know that he hasn't really had me on the pedestal a wife should be on for quite a few years now and that he realises that now and hopes I can let him earn my trust and love back because he can't bare the thought of loosing me. He said again that he thinks he's already lost me and so doesn't see what he can do or should be doing.
I didn't really know how to respond. I was crying a lot. Do I believe all these words!?!? I am struggling with not knowing what to believe since we're supposed to believe nothing a cheat says
I'll be brief, as I think your sitaution is pretty clear. My advice to you would be:
1. Assume he had a physical affair.
2. Assume he's remorseful now, and wants to make it right and work on the marriage.
3. Tell him what you would need, in terms of no-contact, transparency, marriage counseling, etc., to go forward and try.
If you can't forgive the adultery, you certainly have every right to end the marriage, but I don't sense that that's what you want to do and he doesn't seem to want that either. You're both going to have to sacrifice something here -- you're going to have to try to forgive his infidelity, and be OPEN with him if he chooses to tell you about it, and he's going to have to agree to your list of terms (including MCing).
I'll be brief, as I think your sitaution is pretty clear. My advice to you would be:
1. Assume he had a physical affair.
Yes, I think you're right on this. When I think like this though I just feel sick to the stomach and not want to continue being with him - this is my big stumbling block.
2. Assume he's remorseful now, and wants to make it right and work on the marriage.
Yes, I agree, and do think he is genuine when he says this.
3. Tell him what you would need, in terms of no-contact, transparency, marriage counseling, etc., to go forward and try.
If you can't forgive the adultery, you certainly have every right to end the marriage, but I don't sense that that's what you want to do and he doesn't seem to want that either.
No, deep down I don't want the M to end, that's true - I just can't see the way forward - despite everything I am reading and all the great advice on here I just can't get it all out of my head - I could scream!
You're both going to have to sacrifice something here -- you're going to have to try to forgive his infidelity, and be OPEN with him if he chooses to tell you about it, and he's going to have to agree to your list of terms (including MCing).
He at least is starting to realise this I think. He has said tonight that he will change his phone number tomorrow and also book a MC Starsky
It might be too fresh for you to see the way forward right now, even though you logically know there is one. I agree with Starsky, assume it was a PA, and about telling him what it is you need to be able to go forward. If this ow is as predatory as she seems to be, make him understand that any contact gives her the signal it is back on, though they are both guilty. What he said to you last night seemed to be genuine to me. It doesn't sound like a load of bull at all. But time will tell, and if he is going to be the one to book a MC, that shows on the surface anyway, he is serious about not losing you. Well, I know it's past midnight there, so I hope you are able to get some peaceful sleep. vc
Yes, I think you're right, it probably is far too fresh for me to see a way forward. I seem to be stuck at the moment.
H changed his mobile phone number last night. I thougt it would make me feel more relaxed but it hasn't - as soon as he had done it I thought "what does this actually achieve? he could just give her the new number if he wanted to". Will these awful panic thoughts ever go away? I don't want to live like this forever and can't see how you ever stop checkign up on them.
Sorry about what you're going through IP. I know exactly how you feel. Knowing what I know, I don't want to be near her. I don't want her to even touch me. Sometimes I want to have my own PA just to even the score.
But at least your H is not like my XW. At least he appears to want to save the M. At least he seems to value it. Now he needs to respect you. Infidelity is a manifestation of gross disrespect. Make him realize that.
Name your conditions. Sounds like you need time and healing. And the time to heal. It's gonna take some time. You need to let him know it's going to take time to earn your trust - that is if he really wants it.
He probably has no idea what this has done to you. No one can imagine what it is like to be cheated on. Ask him if he's prepared to have the A thrown in his face in some future argument in a fit of anger. Tell him things aren't going to be the way they were. Past innocence, trust, our perceptions of each other, are all lost.
Is he willing to sacrifice the time and make the effort? Healing can occur, and a new and better M can be forged from these ashes. You hold the cards, and you get to decide whether or not to give him the chance.
I know these times are painful and difficult, but look at me. I was given no chance, no opportunity, not even a glimmer of hope, just totally blindsided. Think long and hard about just how important this M is to you IP. Take all the time you need.
Prayers Pic
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Is he willing to sacrifice the time and make the effort? Healing can occur, and a new and better M can be forged from these ashes. You hold the cards, and you get to decide whether or not to give him the chance.
I'm not sure he can make the effort to be honest - quite a few times already he has said he is going to leave because he can't stand how it is at the moment - he always calms down and apologises and says he didn't mean it but it doesn't really look promising that he wants to bail out at the very start of this extremely long journey!
I know these times are painful and difficult, but look at me. I was given no chance, no opportunity, not even a glimmer of hope, just totally blindsided. Think long and hard about just how important this M is to you IP. Take all the time you need. You're right, I'm in a better position than most - just wish it took away some of the pain. I cannot make sense of my feelings right now. I just don't think I can love him and forgive him. It all seems so impossible. I just feel such anger that I have been put in the position of possibly ending the M and hurting my children because of his actions not mine.
Argh!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could rid of all this anger I feel!!!!! I just cannot get rid of it and have just ranted at H again!
Everything I say I need (eg: only I know passwords to email a/c's etc so that he can only access them with me present) he complains about and moans and mutters that "this is ridiculous" "this is pathetic" "why not just rule my whole life"
I really don't think he is serious about making this work - I mean - would he really be coming out with all those things if he were!?!?!?!
All I can say IP is try not to let the anger or any emotion for that matter, dictate your words and actions. I know it's tough, but you must get "outside" the emotions when making decisions. Minimize the reasons for him to just give up and leave, If that is your goal.
BTW What is your goal (or goals)??
The DB formula is simple. Stop whatever moves you further away from that goal and note what things seem to bring it closer towards you.
God Bless Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
