When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

Another week has passed and I'm trying my best to maintain.

I'm going to a family wedding in Maryland next month and I'm pretty stressed about it. Not really because of the wedding, I've been to a few since the bomb, but because it happens to be on the 17th of September. What would have been our 18th wedding anniversary would have been on the 18th. I don't know if any of you remember my complete breakdown last year on the 18th after asking Gabe what his definition of this new R of ours was and him asking me why it had to be anything. Well, it's a year later and I have no more definition now than I did then. I'm just as confused and cowardly as I was then. It's no better and it's making me sick.

I don't have the strength for this anymore. Today, Gabe called me to tell me he might be working until after 9pm tonight(he just started a new job Friday..part time but extra hours sometimes). When we started to hang up I told him I loved him (I don't do this often because it makes him uncomfortable), he mumbled a non-committal 'uh-huh' and hung up.

Every fiber of my being crumbled right then. I was washing dishes and talking on the phone to him one minute and the next minute I was crying and realizing that I have no place really in his life other than keeping a roof over his head and a warm body in bed. Lovely.

Some things just weren't meant to be. Why can't I just accept that?