I just re-read that, and it occurred to me that if you try the above maneuver, you should probably also be prepared for a response of, "What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?"
I think you'd kind of have to be unshakable at that point.
From what you have been saying, it WOULD be a 180, though!
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Yes, I do think it's reasonable to not want to be in a M with the threat of D always looming.
But I have to take responsibility for my choices and for my mistakes, or perhaps for what turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I fully own that I have contributed to this sitch due to my fears.
As for his family pattern, I'm not sure I can be the one to break it. I think that might be his decision. Very much like I choose not to hit my children even though that is what I grew up with but I do know what you mean.
Endeavor, you hit a few things close to home with me.-constant looming divorce, choices, mistakes, self-fulfilling prophecies and contributions to the sitch. Also family patterns on both side which I've brought out and hoped she would recognize the need to break thos patterns for our kids. In her mind right now though, those situations were okay and done to make one person happy. I don't think anyone in any of those circumstances became happy by getting a divorce.
jbnati, these are definitely my favourite smilies ----> For obvious reasons.
And yes, "believe none of what they say and half of what they do" is obviously something I need to have ironed on one of his T-shirts. I think I'm finally learning to stop reacting to him ,even when he's nice because clearly the Crazy Train is still speeding down the tracks.
Psych77, the "kissing him on the nose" suggestion made me laugh but I see your point. I do have to try something to change our dynamic. Although, right now, we're not even fighting or disagreeing over anything because I'm too on edge. I feel like it's all up to me to keep the kid's worlds from falling apart. What a D will do to them is my biggest fear at this point. I think eventually, I would be okay but I don't want them to grow up fearing abandonment.
I also went on about my sitch a little too much on your thread today.
Michael1, thanks for stopping by and offering your thoughts. I'll have to check out your thread later today. I'm sorry you find yourself here but it's a great place to be during all this turmoil.
E - It sounds like you're learning to get off his roller coaster and detach. I hope today's been relatively quiet for you. Hang in there! I'm in your corner.
I think 77 was pointing to a 180. It may not have to be that specifically, but it would be beneficial to mix things up.
Originally Posted By: Endeavour
I feel like it's all up to me to keep the kid's worlds from falling apart. What a D will do to them is my biggest fear at this point. I think eventually, I would be okay but I don't want them to grow up fearing abandonment.
E, you can only do what you can do, because your H is going down his own journey. The fear abandonment can be a by-product of D. Continue DB'ing to the point where you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and look your kids in the eye and tell yourself and them you did everything humanly possible to save the M.
jb, I hope it doesn't sound like I was discounting Pysch's suggestion of a 180. I just found his suggestion cute, that's all. I apologize if it came across as dismissive.
Anyway, I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.
H came home and the tension in the air was palpable. The kids were out so we did have a nice dinner together on the patio but it was rather tense. When the kids got home, H disappeared upstairs and was clearly withdrawing. Again.
I decided I needed to send him the email I had composed last week. In it I apologized again for my part in the disintegration of our M. I also expressed that this vacillation had gone on too long, and had that it had been a constant issue over the course of our marriage.
In summary, I told him while I did believe in our marriage, and that I had done so many things that I sincerely wish I could take back, that I simply could not go on living like this...
That I believed he would always feel the need to run, to escape and to vacillate.
I said I needed a strong man. A man that could and would lead when it was needed.
He read my email with me in the room and when he was done, he broke down and sobbed like I have never seen before in the 20+ years I have know this man. It was heartbreaking and painful to witness.
But I honestly can't do this anymore. I have lived in a marriage that has never felt "safe", and I believe that has not only affected my self-esteem, but it has left me emotionally exhausted. I haven't felt joy for so long. I feel like I've failed at DB'ing but honestly, this has been coming for years.
When H finally got himself together, he said he didn't accept my email.
I said I wasn't bluffing and that I wasn't playing games with him, that this was something that I needed to do and that if he believed our marriage was hopeless, that I accepted that because I had to...
He brought up his hurts again. I apologized again. We talked and talked, then it got tense and a little angry. Then, we both calmed down and he started crying again.
I said we needed to tell the kids before school started. He said we needed to think about it more before we did anything rash, and that he needed time to respond to my email properly. I said that he'd had 4 months since he bombed me to think about our M. That we had spoken about our R for hours during those 4 months, that we knew what the issues were and if he had no hope, there was nothing left to think about...
I went to bed in the guest room around 3 am and only slept for a few hours. This morning, H started texting me and apologized again for everything and said he's been so hurt and angry and has made so many mistakes. I apologized again for the things I had done to hurt him.
He said he was going to take our S7 swimming but grabbed me before he left and kissed me passionately. He was crying again.
We've both been hurt. We have both neglected each other. I have no idea what will happen tonight but I'm prepared to tell the kids on Sunday if that's what he truly wants. It's time for me to let him go.
I've never posted on your thread before and don't have much sound advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. I'm right where you are (albeit, in an entirely different sitch). It's such a tough and wearing place to get to emotionally and I really hope you're taking some time out to take care of yourself.
Wishing for the best for you.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
jb, I hope it doesn't sound like I was discounting Pysch's suggestion of a 180. I just found his suggestion cute, that's all. I apologize if it came across as dismissive.
No, I was just giving Psych some credit for his suggestion. I think he's providing some very valuable input to your sitch.
E - I am so sorry you have come to this point. (((E)))
Sounds like the email knocked your H on his heels.
Originally Posted By: Endeavor
I said we needed to tell the kids before school started. He said we needed to think about it more before we did anything rash, and that he needed time to respond to my email properly. I said that he'd had 4 months since he bombed me to think about our M. That we had spoken about our R for hours during those 4 months, that we knew what the issues were and if he had no hope, there was nothing left to think about...
So I get the impression his bombs weren't sincere? Like he had no intention of following through? However, because of the repeated bombings, you are not truly living and you're always on edge. I know that feeling and it's very unhealthy.
I may have more later on - I need to get downstairs to be with my son.
For obvious reasons. 
(((E)))