I took the kids away Monday-Saturday night. We had a great time camping, hiking, bike riding, fishing, etc. I also hoped that my W spending time in silence would be a big eye opener for her. The night before we were leaving, we learned that her cousin committed suicide. She was not real close to him but it still had an impact. She didn’t confide in me, just gave me the basic info. Her parents came to town to stay with her for the funeral. W left with the kids today for a week. The silence in our house is deafening. It was very hard to say goodbye to my sons, on them and me, and the W for that matter.
She has been pretty distant from me. Cordial but not talking about much. This time apart from each other is important, kind of a pseudo separation. It sounds very selfish and mean, but it frustrates me that she has not spent much time in the house alone. I think she needs to see what her life is going to be like 50% of the time once our D is finalized. Every time I have taken the kids out of the house, she either has her friend stay over or her parents end up coming to town. I know I shouldn’t concern myself with this but I still want things to turn around and think she still doesn’t realize what the D really means. She probably won’t until it’s done.
I have been doing ok. I am still GAL’ing and plan to take it up a notch. I need to get out and meet more people. My social network is pretty small. I need to meet other women. Not to cheat on my W but to start to feel as though I have options and to try to continue building my confidence. When I do go out, I do get the attention of women and that makes be feel good about myself. I find myself thinking about my W a lot lately. I wake up thinking about her, I dream about her. I don’t like the thought of being alone. I feel like I have been for 2 months now. My kids are my life.
I am still feeling better about myself. I have been going to the Y regularly and have been interacting with people there. I have started taking workout classes which I never would have done in the past. I was much more inclined to just do my own thing.
I am being pursued by an old GF. She is in a bad marriage and contacts me frequently. I am keeping my distance. I’m ashamed to say it but it does make me feel good. There is nothing there and I know it. I am trying to not lead her to the conclusion that there is because I know first hand how much interference that can bring into a M. I need to completely blow her off as I feel like I am starting to do the same thing the OM did to my W.
I really don’t have a lot of positive things going right now but I do have hope. Still looking for work and my W pretty much hates me. She looks so attractive to me lately. I feel so much love for her and am tempted to let her know that but I know it goes against DB’ing protocol. I have started to give her some compliments, “you look beautiful in that dress”, etc. Her responses are brief if anything, but they are not negative which I take as a small baby step forward. It’s pretty sad when lack of negativity is a positive but it’s all I have with regards to our R and I guess it’s a start.
I am torn as to whether it’s good for us to be living together. On one hand I get the opportunity for her to see the changes I’m making even if she doesn’t trust them. On the other, she is not getting the separation that she needs. I worry that her not getting what she needs makes the chances of R more unlikely. I do feel living together is best for the kids in the short term but if it doesn’t give us the best chance to R, it’s not the best for them long term.
She had been talking about going to her high school reunion for 2-3 months. It was yesterday and she didn’t go. Haven’t asked her why but I am incredibly intrigued by this. She has been doing nothing but trying to reconnect with old friends and this would have obviously been a good opportunity to do that. I am pretty sure that the guy she had her EA with was going to be there. I wonder if he is blowing her off. Can’t figure this one out.
It seems I am in “no man’s land”. It just seems that we keep rolling along closer to D and she finds just enough reason to stay po’d at me to not allow herself to open up at all. My kids are starting to show signs of trauma. My S7 woke up one morning last week and went and sat in the car by himself for about 20 minutes. I feel so bad for them and this is now my main source of strength. It seems that my W is becoming less of a motivator to me.
