The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

[jbnati]

He asked if I still wanted it and I told him 'oh yeah, we're separated, I never see her.' I'll have to ask her at MC tomorrow if she liked the movie

I got a chuckle out of this. Thanks!

Getting a little nervous about MC tomorrow. No idea what to expect. Then again, what's the worst that could happen?

I don't think you really have a reason to be nervous. Are you nervous because you're afraid of getting your hopes up too high? If anyone should be nervous, it should be your W.

[LearningPatience]

Well, first MC session over. W and I both really liked her. I'll try to remember what she asked and how we replied...

MC got our basic info, how we got to where we were, what we first saw in each other, where we thought things started going wrong, etc. She asked us, on a scale of 1-10, where 1 was sunshine and rainbows, where we thought our R was. W answered 9, I answered 6. W and I both admitted where we went with OP (I had a crush on mutual friend, W, well...). Interestingly, W admitted OM is just someone to do things with, someone spontaneous with a good income, and that she doesn't have strong feelings for him, and that he probably has much stronger feelings for her. (nice run-on sentence btw). I agreed, knowing OM for 10 years or so.

Perhaps the most interesting thing MC told us is that statistically, when one partner is with OP, M therapy doesn't do much good. She said she'd still work on communication between us, but just wanted us to know ahead of time. I knew this already, don't think W did. All in all, session was a little sad but nothing I didn't expect.

Went back to W house after to pick up some things. Joked around a little about each of us taking the other out to lunch, so I ended up taking W out for wings and beer. Had a good time while out. Not much R talk, but lots of talk about us as individuals. I found out W won employee of the year for her group, I was very excited for her and not in the least bit surprised! W downplayed it, and I mentioned how I always believed in her, even when she didn't (W has lots of self-esteem issues). We talked about trips we wanted to take and sports we wanted to play. Told her if she ever got tickets to Lambeau Field I was hiding in her trunk Talked about our jobs and finances, and about our kids. I mentioned something like after D we could get back together (or something like that) and she said maybe after my oldest son grew up. We also talked about MLC, I told her my experiences being a WAS from first W. Without specifically saying it, admitted that she was also in MLC. She just needs time to herself to figure out life, and I was a champ in validating those feelings.

So, where are we now? I *truly* don't think she's done with me. We still have lots of time scheduled apart due to both of us GAL (though she's kinda tired from all of hers). We both kinda hinted at doing things with each other. I'm supposed to go to a concert with a friend, but he's pretty flaky, so I asked if she wanted to be the backup. She didn't say no, but she wasn't too thrilled about it being a Monday night. Guess we'll see. Even if we D, she still wants to be friends, and at this point, I guess we'll see. Like I told the MC, my 1st W is one of my best friends right now, so I guess anything can happen.

[LearningPatience]

I'm not sure what it was, but my feelings for W hit me like a ton of bricks last night.

I went to MIL/FILs house for wine and desert. FIL will be in Europe for the fall semester so I went to say goodbye. W had thought about coming over but apparently took a nap instead, knowing she's seeing him tonight. FILs brother is getting M on Thanksgiving, and FIL is flying back to Philly for it. I had forgotten about this and openly asked if I was still invited. MIL said something about driving back with W but didn't really go any further on that. She seems to think we can't stand being around each other or something.

What hit me last night was all the things we used to do together and with friends that we don't anymore. W had a small party Sat night and all the people there were originally 'my' friends. I didn't know about it til after, not that I was invited anyhow, but it still stung. W has many weekend activities planned for the next couple of months and it just hit me how much I missed her. I felt like I became completely un-detached. Even after more than a year apart (in varying amounts), she is the one I want in my life.

W texted me last evening but I didn't notice it for an hour. Texted back around 10 and we had a little convo, first text convo in a long time. Flirted with her a little, she was receptive of watching a certain dvd with me, but not last night as Monday mornings are tough for her. I'm trying *really* hard to not pursue in text, email or calling. I haven't had this much difficulty in months.

I slept horribly last night, in part to all these feelings reawakening. Called in sick to work and finally got a little sleep.

I've wanted to talk to someone so bad today but couldn't think of anyone that would be helpful. I have another MC appointment (by myself) Sunday, I wish it were now. For the first time in ages, I almost felt like crying today.

I really don't know if it's wishful thinking on my part, but even after she's told me she's leaning towards D, and saying the same to MC, I still think there's more than a slim chance between us. She mentioned how the presenters at Retrouvaille all got back together (we went last Feb), almost like if they could do it after an A maybe we could too. Then again, I could be reading too much into it.

I know I'm usually the one here that's upbeat, joking and full of optimism. Not feeling it now. I'm feeling a little better than last night and this morning, but still not where I had been.

Someone else's turn to make the stupid jokes for a bit.

[~¤DG¤~]

((LP)) I am so sorry that you are down.

I wish I could give you sound advice, but I really am not in a good place tonight. Just know that I care.

[LearningPatience]

I appreciate it DG, about to comment on your thread. It's just good to hear that from someone

[jbnati]

She mentioned how the presenters at Retrouvaille all got back together (we went last Feb), almost like if they could do it after an A maybe we could too. Then again, I could be reading too much into it.

LP, we have the freedom to choose the positive or negative with any given situation. You might as well choose the positive. While it's certainly far from a guarantee, it's still a possibility.

Hang in there, man. Sorry I don't really have any stupid jokes for you. I'm usually good for a couple of them here or there.

[LearningPatience]

Thanks everyone for the support, it means a lot to me!

I had to drug myself quite a bit to fall/stay asleep last night, but for the most part it worked. One of the problems I've been having is that I semi-wake several times through the night, and if I start thinking about W or sitch I can't fall back asleep. For whatever odd reason, when I woke up last night/this morning, I tried to replace any W thoughts by thinking of the Stranger character from the Big Lebowski (Sam Elliot). It kinda worked, but I have no idea why I chose that to focus on.

I'm feeling a bit better this morning. I should say that yesterday was not a complete downer. I had my first guitar lesson, and I was challenged quite a bit by it, enough that it did shove everything else out of my mind for a while. I have some 'homework' now so let's hope it continues to help my PMA. Besides, chicks dig guitarists, right?

[Telemark]

"Besides, chicks dig guitarists, right?"

Until they marry them...

[GAL Man]

LP, you have always offered me some good advise and food for thought. Just caught up on your sit, and I will say u need to look at the advise you have given me, and others...

You know its in there

You know how to stop these thoughts

You know where the box of hope had been put

You are strong

You can do this

You know there will be UPS and downs

You know tomorrow will be a better day

Keep strong buddy

[LearningPatience]

LP, we have the freedom to choose the positive or negative with any given situation. You might as well choose the positive.

I had a great example of this Tuesday. Got a three word text from W out of the blue: Whats your address?
My first thought was why does she need this? What could she be sending me? Then I remembered that S14's birthday is Saturday, so maybe she's sending a card. That may not be it, but that will be my assumption for now.

I've been in a decent mood, but still sleeping poorly. I'm realizing that I'm becoming un-detached and that I'm trying (hoping) to speed up a moving glacier.

Met a bunch of friends at a bar last night, including W. Sat next to her and we talked a fair bit. W also talked to her bff sitting on the other side of her a lot. They compared trips they'd like to take and/or have planned (I swear W has more of a GAL than me!). Every so often, W would turn and say things like 'that's just like this one trip we took' or 'remember when we did that?' She mentioned lots of good memories, which in some ways was bittersweet, in that she's making lots of plans without me.

One odd thing is that it sounds like we have Thanksgiving plans together. W asked if I was going to her uncle's wedding on Thanksgiving. Told her MIL reminded me of it and that I'd like to. W then asked if I was bringing the boys, told her no, W then jokes that she was going then. Talked about a few logistical things with MIL and driving, W doesn't know what's going on. Forgot to mention... uncle lives 10 hour drive away near Philly. We'll have to see how that progresses.

So, W and I enjoyed each others company and left at the same time. I walked home and decided to text W:

M: Did you see the thunderstorm to the south as you left? Pretty cool!
W: It was very cool. I dont think I said goodbye... So goodbye
M: goodbye is so formal bye!
W: Heehee bye

So, we *can* have random little convos, but usually don't. I have tested the waters a couple of times and generally W hasn't responded to the emails or had short answers, so I've stopped doing that (well, except for this last one).

Now, here's where you each get out your 2x4s! Decided to text W's bff:
M: BTW, if it wasn't completely obvious, I'm still not over W It was great to see you tonight!
bff: Good to see you too. Have fun on your trip next week!
M: Of course! Let me know if you need anything from Colorado.

Anyhow, I know I'm backsliding a bit. I'm trying to find a balance between letting W 'chase' me, letting her know I'm 'safe' to talk to, keeping the road home smooth and paved and making sure that I take care of myself first. In many ways, it was easier when I went dark on her.