You all are saying some really great things, things that I'm really starting to agree with. I'm really beginning to feel like true detachment is in order. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" explains that Nice Guys are really afraid of being abandoned, so they act extra nice and pleasing to their partner and try to avoid conflict. But, as I'm reading, it only backfires and causes the partner to lose respect for the Nice Guy, which only pushes the partner to (ironically) abandon him.
Thing is, stuff like this still hangs me up. It's quoted from the "More Wise Advice From DB-ers" thread. These words, as well as similar words, pushed me toward the "act as friend at all cost" route:
"I was the WAS and because my H wasn't here to pressure me was the whole reason that I came to my senses. I was left to think about things on my own. If he had told me how wrong I was, I would have hated him for it. I know it is almost impossible to do but you have to let the other person think about things. My H was being so nice to me, that is the reason that I came to my senses. There is nothing you can do. The good news is is that the WAS IS having guilt. You can't not have it. You have to wait for the day that the guilt becomes greater than the emotional feelings from the OP. It will most likely happen if you can distance yourself. Once the person is getting everything they want, they will probably feel even guiltier. The other posters are right. You are the enemy right now. You are the one that "caused" her to look elsewhere. I know it's not "right" but that is the mentality. You just have to show her that you aren't the cause anymore. Just my two cents. I know it's not what you wanted to hear but you should know.
(continued)....
Yes, I did have an affair. Unfortunately, a couple of our friends know as well and that actually makes it harder. It is much better if only you know. The embarrassment sometimes is so hard to handle that I have thoughts of throwing our relationship in just because of that. That is something I struggle with every day. Yes, I did have a "foglifting". I have no idea what triggered it and it only lasted for a very brief time. But during that time, I told my husband about it. I truly, truly, truly believe that you being nice to her is the best way to go. The guilt will be unbelievable. Unfortunately, my H is trying to make me 'pay' for my mistakes and it is really pushing me farther away. Even if she gives up the OM, don't punish her for it. You can be angry, mad, sad but tell her about those feelings, don't punish her. There is nothing you can do to make a "foglift" happen but you can definetly be there when it does. That's my advice for you from this point of view. Just be her best friend. She is going to need one more than you know."
In addition, Michele's own DR advocates making each interaction a positive one, even in the case of infidelity that the other partner refuses to end. Not trying to argue against you guys or anything. I'm just trying to bounce ideas around in this thread before I make any final decisions. This constructive criticism and advice are really good for me. Keep it coming.
