jb, I hope it doesn't sound like I was discounting Pysch's suggestion of a 180. I just found his suggestion cute, that's all. I apologize if it came across as dismissive.
Anyway, I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.
H came home and the tension in the air was palpable. The kids were out so we did have a nice dinner together on the patio but it was rather tense. When the kids got home, H disappeared upstairs and was clearly withdrawing. Again.
I decided I needed to send him the email I had composed last week. In it I apologized again for my part in the disintegration of our M. I also expressed that this vacillation had gone on too long, and had that it had been a constant issue over the course of our marriage.
In summary, I told him while I did believe in our marriage, and that I had done so many things that I sincerely wish I could take back, that I simply could not go on living like this...
That I believed he would always feel the need to run, to escape and to vacillate.
I said I needed a strong man. A man that could and would lead when it was needed.
He read my email with me in the room and when he was done, he broke down and sobbed like I have never seen before in the 20+ years I have know this man. It was heartbreaking and painful to witness.
But I honestly can't do this anymore. I have lived in a marriage that has never felt "safe", and I believe that has not only affected my self-esteem, but it has left me emotionally exhausted. I haven't felt joy for so long. I feel like I've failed at DB'ing but honestly, this has been coming for years.
When H finally got himself together, he said he didn't accept my email.
I said I wasn't bluffing and that I wasn't playing games with him, that this was something that I needed to do and that if he believed our marriage was hopeless, that I accepted that because I had to...
He brought up his hurts again. I apologized again. We talked and talked, then it got tense and a little angry. Then, we both calmed down and he started crying again.
I said we needed to tell the kids before school started. He said we needed to think about it more before we did anything rash, and that he needed time to respond to my email properly. I said that he'd had 4 months since he bombed me to think about our M. That we had spoken about our R for hours during those 4 months, that we knew what the issues were and if he had no hope, there was nothing left to think about...
I went to bed in the guest room around 3 am and only slept for a few hours. This morning, H started texting me and apologized again for everything and said he's been so hurt and angry and has made so many mistakes. I apologized again for the things I had done to hurt him.
He said he was going to take our S7 swimming but grabbed me before he left and kissed me passionately. He was crying again.
We've both been hurt. We have both neglected each other. I have no idea what will happen tonight but I'm prepared to tell the kids on Sunday if that's what he truly wants. It's time for me to let him go.
