Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Wow, Endeavour, the more I read you, the more I understand my wife. It really kind of [censored] for me to understand how she felt, because it makes me look like a real heel. I think for a long time I was so afraid of feeling guilty, I wouldn't allow myself to appreciate her feelings.

...the difference between you and my H, is that you seem to be internalize your understanding of your childhood influences and have attempted to modify your reactions. My H on the other hand, cannot seem to truly allow these realizations about marriage and conflict to become part of his reality.

Don't make too much out of that difference. I spent years using my own experiences as an excuse NOT to change. The explanations of why I didn't became reasons why I couldn't. Mostly, I just wanted W to stop being angry at me, which I attempted by making the argument that "I can't help it." (I really did this without thinking about it, and still do, if I'm not watching myself) And, for a long time, she fell for it. As is always the case, however, the fact that my little ploys worked didn't do either of us any favors. My point is, it took years for me to finally get the idea that I needed to change, despite the very good reasons why I was the way I was. It took me a long time to realize I could change. How did I make that realization? Well, it was rooted in my belief in God. As our marriage was on the rocks for the umpteenth time, I realized that for the marriage to work, I had to change. I believed God meant our marriage to be lifelong, which meant change was required of me, and since God would not require something impossible, it must be possible for me to change. From what I recall you saying about your husband, that wouldn't be how he would come to this conclusion. But he can reach it. He looks a lot like I did.

Over the years, I believe his "angry outburts" have caused me to withdraw because I don't feel safe

Are you sure we're not married?

Sadly, my W has said the same thing about me, and I'm afraid it is one of the things that is keeping us apart right now, even when I am applying changes. I think it is going to take a long time of consistent change before W feels safe with me, and until then that will be a wall between us. But in the past, this has only made it worse. The more W withdrew from me, the more I felt the relationship was threatened (rightly, I guess). I responded by being more hypervigilant about our conflicts, panicking even more when we had little fights, which let to fits of temper which led...to where we are right now.

Although the difference is that you're here and obviously willing to become a better person, as am I. I truly hope both of us can learn to overcome the unhealthy dynamics we see at play in our marriages. I learn a great deal by reading your posts but I can't help but wish my H was as insightful and in touch with himself as you are.

Honestly, every time I read what you say about your H's behavior, I see myself in an alternate timeline, one where I haven't realized that I need to make changes. It is like watching a movie, and a part of me wants to scream out, "Stop, you idiot! You can still change. There is still time!" Of course, I can't change his behavior any more than I can change the behavior of the leading man on the screen. I just have to focus on changing my own. I really hope he gets a clue - for his sake and for yours.