You are in a tough spot right now....one that I do not envy, although it is nothing that many of us here havent experienced.
I remember vividly similar events happening....
One of the things that helped was, to understand that this anger that she is spewing at you, is EXACTLY what she needs, in order to push away from you.
Often times, the wayward spouse will use that anger to twist you, and turn you into the person that they need you to be- so that they can justify walking away from you.
Try to back away from her anger when she spews it. This woman knows you bettr than anyone else....and to say that she knows what buttons to push on you for a reaction ? Is quite an understatement....
Those buttons...try to recognize when she is pushing them, identify them, and then remove them....
Once those are removed, she will try to find all new buttons.....don't let her.
You may be surprised at how low she will go to find those buttons too...Usually, it involves using the kids as a button.
Try to keep an even head through the beginning phases of her crisis, make sure to rest and take time for you too.
You are gonna have to find what you can and cannot accept as far as the OW being involved...
Try to remove yourself from the situation whenever you can, and ask if this is something that is harmful to your kid(s), or something that you have issue with.
IF the kid(s) are not in harms way, then you need to shelf your feelings and let her have that freedom right now.
That is part of the time and space she is asking for...
The less you interfere, the less pain you will cause yourself....
I know that you may feel that being seperated is the worst thing in the world right now...
And in the beginning, it very well may be.
What I can tell you is, that right now, you feel that it is the end of the world.
What you may not realize is....
That this time...after she moves out..will be a gift for you.
One that allows you to detach yourself from her behavior, and allow you to work on yourself , and heal.
I know it seems like the worst thing that could happen...
But you DO have a choice in whether it is, or it isn't....
I shared a home for 2 1/2 years with a live-in MLCer, who fought to tear our family apart....
I would relish the time when she was out and it was just me and my children. And it became the foundation for what is now a very strong bond between us.
I also want you to understand that her moving out, doesn't mean she can't move back one day...
With a better, renewed marriage in front of you...