Wife no longer in love with me

[cam]

At times I knocked my W back when she wanted sex. At times I spoke to her in a condesending manner. At times I disrespected her in front of my friends, or I tried to show off and act 'cool'. I was a sh$t husband, and a sh$t person. I don't know how to forgive myself for being like that. That's not me, I used to be so much fun to be around and so nice......I will never get a chance to be that fun person with her again and her best friend and lover. I have wrecked everything in my life and things just keep getting worse and worse and I get lower and lower in self esteem and happiness.