After 2.5 years, divorce final soon

[d1adsl5a]

Well, my situation mirrors many people on this site unfortunately. May 2009, Wife comes home and says she is no longer in love and wants a divorce. We or should I say try for next 6 months. Clearly, she doesn't want to stay married. So we try collabrative law to start the divorce process..Fast forward 2 years and $50,000 in lawyers fees later...It is about to be done. By the way, don't do collabrative law..Worst mistake I made...

Anyway, a year ago, my wife moves out. No one could tell me different, I run out to find my next wife...

Fortunately or unfortunately I meet the "one" She gave me everything I needed to feel good about myself again. She had 4 kids...It became my second little family.

So I go along my way for the next 9 months. Then it hits me. Oh God, I am not ready for any of this. Well, Mid March, I folded. So my body is telling me something, because I started not sleeping again. My brain was saying sure we will move in together someday... I start getting anxiety attacks at the thought of seeing her because I thought she was the cause of my insomnia. I was paralyzed in fear. The last time my insomnia came, it lasted for a year. The funny thing is that I started sleeping again when my W asked for a divorce.

I realize that I am still very broken inside. I had a wall built up so thick in my marriage, nothing could hurt me. My W had alot of anger issues and I usually took most of it.

So I run as fast as I can from the girlfriend looking to sleep again. Problem is, 3 months go by and I am getting worse. So I call her back up and we start to take it slow. I tell her the truth about everything I am feeling. My anxiety, that I still have everyday. I am sleeping better with the medicine that I am on, but I still get this little anxiety everyday. I still have a lot of healing to do.

So to answer your question, no I wasn't ready to date. I still am not. But the problem is, I met someone that is everything I ever wanted in someone. She is patient with me and my "issues." But I just wish I could let myself be happy. I find it hard to do that with the anxiety about her, my life, the divorce, the kids...

But much of my anxiety has to do with her. I was very type a, black and white person. I have to learn how to live for today and be happy. I planned my whole life. Get my job, Get successful, Get the wife, the house, the kids, etc...So yes I was a bit controlling.. I will admit that... I try to figure out in my head how I can handle her 4 kids, my 3 kids...I just couldn't make it work in my head back in March. I just don't want to end up in a second divorce. This first one has been the worst experience of my life.

But it is about me accepting my life now. Accepting this girl I am dating isn't perfect, but she is the best person I have ever met in my life. She has become my best friend. I do love her. I just have to deal with my anxiety and someday I will get better....

So, I am just trying to take it day by day. I have good days and bad. I am posting because the last few days have been bad.