Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[MadeToSucceed]

That did help MHL.

Things have been pretty quiet as of late. She left Tuesday morning without a goodbye and is in Korea.

I hadn't heard a peep from her...until today. She called. I didn't answer because I was at work. I immediately thought the worst and so I scanned twitter real fast to see if she was ranting and/or sending out any kind of subliminal messages my way. All I was able to see is that she's now in contact with a guy we had issues with last summer (this is the guy who kissed her last summer while she was overseas, he also runs track). She'd ended all communications with him back in October and we were on the same accord with them not being having any interaction. Well I guess that is no more. It's odd...she's reaching back to "old flames"/people she knows I have issues with WHILE OM is still her "main focus." It's like she's scrambling.

I also noticed that she's unblocked me on Facebook within the last 5 days...why, I really don't know.

About 20 minutes after she called, she sent me an email:

"I was just calling to ask you about a key I was looking for but it has been found. No worries."

I didn't respond and I don't plan on responding. I still think about her A LOT but I haven't had the urge to contact her. I'm just struggling with not having affection now. I want her affection and I know I can't have it. Not just sexually but just physically...it just [censored] waking up and going to bed alone each night when you've been around someone for so long. I also know it's "wrong" for me (and not healthy) for me to seek that affection elsewhere so I'm not going to do that either.

My lawyer contacted me about the interrogatories and whether or not I wanted the adultery piece included. I'm still leaning towards no there...all it does is get me more money if this thing really goes all the way through (and that's additional money I really don't want...almost feels like blood money if that makes sense) and causes a ton of pain for her. It makes things even more public. On one hand I thought it could serve as a wakeup call knowing she'd have to truthfully answer who she's been sexually active with. On the other hand, I know she'd probably just be hurt and use it as more fuel to her fire. I'm going to speak with my pastor next Thursday and I'll probably bring this end up to get his biblical take on it before I make a decision.

I went to Bible Study on Wednesday and met with my counselor at church yesterday. I also went to get a haircut last night so I'm feeling a little better about myself I guess. Tonight I'm taking my Little (Big Brothers Big Sisters) and tomorrow my DirecTV is being installed in my new apt. I plan on trying to find a bed and mattress hopefully and straightening some things up around the place during the weekend. Church and DivorceCare on Sunday and maybe I'll get to go do something fun Sunday afternoon. Honestly, I'll probably try to enjoy some football for the first time in a long time.

I've had a decent week all things considered and plan on that continuing. As much turmoil and confusion I still feel like I'm in, I also have a bit more peace about me.