Song: Thanks very much for posting your advice. Your words forced me to do a lot of soul-searching today. I spent several hours thinking about it: Which path do I want to take? I finally decided that, based on what I've read and seen, I want to keep going down the road that I'm going. Yes, what she's doing is immensely disrespectful, and I shouldn't have to take it. I shouldn't have to be her friend during this time, and I shouldn't have to listen to her crap about OM. But the thing is, I firmly believe that this side of her is not the "real" her and unable to be reasoned with. I've read enough to know that right now, she's as reliable as someone on cocaine (it's true! I read that people who are "in love" have the same brain chemistry as someone using cocaine). For me, now is not the time to try to set boundaries or cast disdain on how she's acting. She's not yet functioning on a level where she could understand anything like that.
The thing is, Michele herself advocates that one keep looking at positive baby steps. I've been pulling back while still being friendly over the phone, and so far:
--She's called me almost five or six times over the last month without me having to initiate the contact, and all of them were made because she wants to know how and what I'm doing --She's expressed doubt about the D and wants to "feel out" the separation first, even though I did not raise the subject and she had no reason to raise it with me
Those are pretty good despite the "rollercoaster" moments I'm preparing for. They're definitely way better than two months ago when I kept trying to reason with her and tell her that what she was doing was wrong. That route did not work for my sitch whatsoever... I've also been reading a lot of stories written by WAS and almost all of them admit that, though their "fog-lifting" came completely by itself with almost nothing that the LBS did, it was usually combined with the fact that LBS was kind and friendly thru the fog despite WAS' horrible behavior. It began to compound WAS' guilt: "I'm treating this person like crap and yet they're still being kind to me!" However, if I DO get to the point where I just can't take it anymore, with nothing changing, I will employ the "ultimatum." But I'm not there yet. I will know when I am.
Gritter AND Song: I agree with both of you that dating other people will probably confuse me and will not solve any problems. I had a moment today where that realization hit me. The thing is, W is acting very much as though she is feeling guilt and needs certain things in order not to feel it anymore. One of those is me seeing other people, as she raises that question almost every time we talk. If I'm seeing other people, then she doesn't have to feel bad about this anymore.
The other one is the legal separation. I just know that she's feeling guilt about this SOMEWHERE in her mind, and she feels that if we're legally separated, she's able to pursue OM guilt-free. As it turns out, I had to call her today and tell her that we were not yet legally S'd because the judge told me that we were missing an additional form. She became very irritated because she too called the court and was not told that we needed that additional documentation. It really hit me then that the reason that she was pushing for S had little to do with me; it had a whole lot more to do with how she's feeling. (After all, she did state in the beginning that she was pursuing S because of "moral reasons" -- seeing OM while being married didn't gel with her.)
Thanks for the advice, fellas. We'll see what happens.
