Cat -I will not judge her if the D goes through because I do not think she is capable of making a rational, informed decision. I don't think she does either due to the fact that she has not followed up on the D and has only filed the petition. I am a very forgiving person and have always been, which is part of what I believe and I would be a hypocrite if I did otherwise. If you've been checking my posts on Heros Spouse you would know I have not been a perfect husband (especially in the first few years) but have done everything I could to serve my penance and I believe she has forgiven me. I want her to be back in my life and to one day be my wife again. I will do whatever I need to in order to help pave the way for that.
If she were in her right mind, I feel she should be honoring her vows and at least giving me the chance to support her through this. We both agreed to our vows and she was the one pressuring me to get married when we did. She has never wavered until recently and I would give anything if she would start helping me work on the marriage. I want my family back together and would be willing to make any sacrifice to see that wish fulfilled.
Lorie - It's not only the "worse," but the "sickness" part of our vows as well. I don't know how to be the best choice as I don't know if or who she might end up with between now and then. I know your sitch is terrible and I admire you more than you know for not beating her up and kicking your H to the curb. I don't know how I would react in your situation, but you are handling it the best I could hope for.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
A very long time..........yrs....so hold on.It's not easy....it will shake you to the core of your being.....I read alot in here,dont post much.Not much new going on in my life.....my now EX is still on the mother ship of MLC.....I pray you will be one of the chosen one's God has chosen to quickly restore your marriage.....Good luck Irma
Just checked my work email a few minutes ago and my W had emailed me to let me know that the Separation Agreement was ready at her lawyer's office to sign. She's moving back to town this weekend and I have to feel that she has been lying in wait to screw me over. I would guess she is trying to get at least partial custody of the kids, and I will fight her tooth and nail over that as she has abandoned them and only sees them a coupe times a week for 1-2 hours. She has given me NOT ONE CENT in support of them and only buys them treats and takes them out to eat rather than actually supporting them.
The fact that she had not moved forward was the last vestige of hope I had. My marriage is over and she is hell-bent on getting rid of me as quickly as she can. I don't doubt now that she has an OM that is probably pushing this and she feels she has to get rid of me before going public so all the church women she works with will still think she's such a good person. I f-ing hate her right now, MLC or not, and I swear to God she had better not show up here tonight to try to rub this in my face. I cannot allow myself to go on being treated like this. I'm ready to sign any damn paper that keeps my kids and gets rid of her ass so that I can move on to something (someone) better. I don't see her ever admitting to being wrong and trying to come back. She's burning bridges she can never rebuild.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Anger, vengence and resentment will not serve you well.
Do what is in the best interest of the children while protecting yourself. Do you honestly believe that your statements regarding custody serve them, or do they feed your desire for revenge right now?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I insist on custody because I truly do not feel she is fit to be a parent at this time, and may not be until she comes out of this. She abandoned the kids and our S6 has only spent one night with her in the last 8 weeks. Nothing prevented her from taking them any night or on weekends, and when I asked her last week about visiting them Friday or Saturday she said that she had "plans" and then said,"I make plans for ME!! I don't make plans for them, I make plans for ME!!!" right in front of them. It's obvious she does not put any import to their needs while I have been here for them EVERY DAY of the last 3 months and before while she has acted like a teenager. It's not malicious, I just want to be assured my kids are safe as they are small and unable to protect themselves from the Monster she has shown many times in front of them and to them.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
So now that the proverbial shiat has hit the fan...
Let me see...
Did your W's complaints include controlling and judgemental?
Because I see that in your reaction to her sending you the SA.
I am sorry that she is continuing to follow this path, but if we are really honest, if you truly believe she is MLC, then you probably should have been expecting it, or something similar...
With MLC, the best plan is to expect the unexpected...
So what is your plan now?
Are you done, while filled with anger and frustration?
or...
Are you ready to really begin the work that will help you through this?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
My W picked the kids up at the babysitter and brought them to the house until i got home. She planned to take them to the mall, and it was good that she picked them up as I got off work late.
My W took what seemed like forever to take the kids out. I had went back to the bedroom and closed the door to avoid her and she came back and asked if we could talk about the kids. I said ok and she made one comment about the kids and brought up the Separation Agreement. I told her I was not going to go to her lawyer's office and that if she got a copy to me I would take it to my lawyer for appraisal and negotiation. She acted entirely surprised that I was not going to just go along with it and kept asking who my lawyer was and said she had not seen it in the computer (she's apparently been checking up on me). I told her I would officially retain my lawyer when I had the chance to go see her, and she said I only had a few days to sign the Separation Agreement once they mailed it. I told her I did not want to talk about it with her at all and it would be between our lawyers and she kept saying over and over that I wouldn't be able to stop it. I assured her that was the last thing I wanted to do. She started calling me "nasty" and said over and over that I was a "nasty person."
I smiled and laughed the whole time, but made the stupid, stupid mistake a few minutes ago of asking to fool around again. Surprisingly her response wasn't that she did not want to but that she wasn't allowed to due to the interrogatory of the D saying we had to go 60 days without doing it. I responded that it would be between us and no one would find out and she said that she didn't trust me not to tell. It was several minutes later that she said she didn't want to. I don't know what the hell happened there but I can't discount the fact that I might have come close to scoring a hail mary. Damn.
Several minutes later I mentioned that I heard she was moving to the townhouses and she got very defensive. I just love how when I am in doubt about MLC I can push the right button and prove it to myself. She acted like a mouse in a cat cage and explicitly denied it. I told her it was great that she was moving back to town and that the kids could come see her anytime. She responded that she was moving back so that she could VISIT the kids anytime and not have so far to drive, but that visitation would be on HER terms and decided by her lawyer. I asked her why her lawyer had to regulate her kids (never acknowledging the fact that people use their lawyers to get to see their kids MORE, not to LIMIT visitation!!) and she said that her life was none of my business. I told her I didn't care about her business and that if the kids wanted to see her I would gladly take them to visit her if she was close. She said I didn't know anything about her business or what her business was and she didn't want me on her doorstep every day. She then told me I needed to "move on" because she didn't give a [censored] about me and never did. I asked her to be nice in front of the kids and she kept spewing. I told her I had moved on, and that she obviously didn't know everything. That shut her up and she started asking questions about what I meant by moving on. She said I needed to stop crying and just get over it. I said I had and was looking forward to my new life with the new job and meeting all the new people (I left it at that). She again called me a nasty person and went outside. Our D10 mentioned that she had a new pair of shoes in her car (she was wearing a new outfit as well and I had asked her again about buying groceries for the kids and she said she was broke and that was my problem). She made it a point to roll down her window and tell me they were seven dollars and then backed up and said she bought them when she had money and then backed up again and said she bought them when she lived here. If one lie don't work, tell a dozen more I guess. She is a real f-ing nutcase right now. I swear to Hell.
One thing interesting, though, is that she told me how she wanted the kids to be with me because I was an awesome dad and she knows I love the kids as much as she does. This was after her spew, btw, and in front of the kids. She said she felt totally safe about leaving them with me and would not want them with anyone else. I thanked her for this and thought in the back of my mind that may be an important factor somewhere down the road. She said the kids love me and that she wanted them with me. Our D10 wanted to spend the night with her at her house, and our S6 went back and forth before deciding he wanted to stay here with me tonight. She said she would be happy to bring him home later. Interestingly, she told our D10 she would have to sleep on the couch at her house. Our D10 reminded her she slept with her in the bed last time and she again said she would have to sleep on the couch. I know she wouldn't have anyone else there with one of the kids (at least I THINK I do). Very peculiar.
Seeing her body language tonight it really seemed like the spew she was making was really half-hearted and almost like she HAD to say what she was saying. I can't describe it, but her eyes and body language did NOT match the mean things she was saying. It was just.....weird. Not like the other times when she was convincing. I don't know if it's my imagination or what, but she almost seemed like she was ready to cry when she said mean things to me. It didn't bother me, but I still feel sorry for her. Does this mean I'm detached or not? I don't miss her and realize she's not the woman I married, but I know she's in there somewhere. No expectations but, yeah, I do feel sorry for her.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Just curious if your W might be intimidated that you are a therapist, as I think that mine is. Does she accuse you of being in "counselor mode" when you are actively listening? Mine would/does. I am sorry to hear that you are hurting. Just dropped by to say hi.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
