Need Advice, Encouragement or Whatever (long)

[LearningPatience]

David,
all in all it looks like you are doing well for yourself! Saying 'why would I care about that', however, seems a bit snippy. Not sure of the tone you used, but a disinterested 'ok' probably would have been better.

I think you realize you need to detach yourself from your W's drama as much as you can. It's harder with kids, but it will keep you grounded.

You should also know that "it's too late" is on page 14 of the WAS/MLC workbook. It's often accompanied by anger. As long as any changes are genuine and done for yourself, and not to win W back, don't worry about it.

It's a looooong journey I'm afraid. Come here as much or as little as you need, but like I said, you look like you are off to a good start.

[check 1]

You're probably right, I may have sounded snippy. I can see how that could be taken wrong...even though I didn't mean it that way.

What is the WAS/MCL workbook?

Thanks for the encouragement.

[LearningPatience]

What is the WAS/MCL workbook?

My attempt at a joke

We often say that the WAS/MLC is reading from a script since so many things that they do are so similar. You'll see that as you read more posts.

And MCL means MLC since I can't edit...

[jbnati]

David, welcome to our little club here. I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but I'm glad you found us.

You are doing a lot of good things. You're doing a great job. Keep it up. That feeling is amazing when you realize it's not your job to make your W happy, isn't it? Ahhh, the freedom of not walking on eggshells anymore.

Realize this whole thing a big roller coaster. What you are doing right now will help you to smooth out some of the hills.

LP has a point - it DOES seem like almost all of our wayward spouses are following the same script. It does seem there must be a downloadable manual somewhere. I dunno, marriagebusting.com?

[check 1]

God I screwed it all up today. Walked in on my wife and her lady friend laying together on the couch....the denied anything was happening. The lady stayed behind and talked to me. So i was honest and said what was going on. I told her is she was a real friend then she would realize that allowing my wife to be away from her kids the way she is that she's hurting the kids. i told her it had nothing to do with me and my wife...but the kids are hurting. while my wife is over at her house, she doesn't see the tears and pain.

the lady took my wife out to coffee tonight and apparently told her everything i said. my wife came home and told me that i was spreading lies. she won't talk to me about anything. i still have no idea what the situation is.

anyway, i tried to get her to tell me what i said that was so wrong. i asked what the issue was. she said she wasn't talking. i told her that we need to figure out what to do with the kids. we got that worked out. i did tell her she was pathetic and i felt sorry for her. i walked away and stopped to tell her that i didn't mean it and i was just acting out of my emotions.

what do i do now? any progress i made is probably shot. i just don't know what in the world is going on....what have i done so wrong? why won't she say anything? she's "just done".

so, bring on the 2x4's. you better swing them hard because I don't think they can beat me up more than I'm beating myself up right now. They certainly can't fell any worse than what i'm feeling.

so, what do i do now....where do i go....what do i do?

[check 1]

oh yeah...i also called her friend and asked her what happened. she told me she said exactly what i said. i told her she threw me under the bus and made everything even worse. she needn't worry she'll never hear from me again.

yes, i'm an idiot. i've been trying to control my emotions for so long that i completely lost control of them. suck.

[Starsky309]

David,

I haven't read all of your backstory, but if your wife having an affair with this other woman? If so, then you need to stop asking the OW for help with your situation, or expecting any TRUTH to come from either of their lips right now.

I also think that YOU need to be leading your family at this point -- you and your kids. By your latest post, you seem to be asking your wife what SHE wants to do about things. Try to use "I have decided that ______ " phrases, and take some time to do some real planning on what you think would be best for you and your kids right now.

Your wife has been threatening divorce thru several of the posts that I have read; have you at least seen an atty yet? Preferably a family law attorney who specializes in "father's rights" and paternal custody issues.

Starsky

[MHL]

Hey David,

Agree with Starsky, and I will say that while I suggested that your W is in MLC it does not change your words, your actions and how you handle yourself.

MLC aside for a moment.

If this is going on in your home, which I assume it is then you should not accept it.

Think of it differently.....what if it were a man she was lying with????

The fact that she is having an affair with a woman whether it is EA or PA it should not take place in your home.

Starsky is much better on the language that you could use but IMO, this demands a very firm response.......no anger mind you but firmness that comes with confidence........think of it as reprimanding a teenage child......

It actually is not that much different.

The other thing you have to do is deal with the fear that your marriage may be over.......do not shy away from what needs to be said..........

Your W may not like it....

She may throw a fit.....

BUT

She will respect it.....

I will try my best here but I think Starsky can come behind me with something better worded.

W, I have made a decision about what I will allow in my life and what I will allow in the lives of our children. You are having an affair with OW. I will not discuss it with you. IT IS A FACT. I cannot control what you do but I will not tolerate it in this house and DEFINITELY not in front of our children. If you must carry on this relationship with OW then do so outside this home.

Sorry, you are dealing with this. You have come to the right place for support.

I also agree that you need to contact a Lawyer ASAP!!!

Hope this helps.

Cheers

[check 1]

I have contacted a lawyer, but in order for them to do anything in regards to the kids I have to file for divorce. That's the catch 22. I don't want to file for divorce. She wants it, but I don't. Which brings up the question...why should I have to pay thousands of dollars for something that I do not want. Wouldn't doing this be putting her in an position where she a.) doesn't have to pay for something that she wants, and b.) wouldn't going for custody enable her to keep denying what is really going on?

We have already made a temporary parenting plan. In the plan itself it designated the days/times we have the kids, and it clearly states that each parent cannot take the children out of the state. I'm not sure how this would hold up in court, but I don't think that she would take the kids away from me. She knows how important it is for kids to have their fathers (she grew up without hers).

The only caveat is how do I go about not allowing the OW to watch the kids when it's my wife's turn to have the kids? The only way that I see to do it is to do the custody/lawyer thing...which as you can see above, I do not want.

[MHL]

The only caveat is how do I go about not allowing the OW to watch the kids when it's my wife's turn to have the kids? The only way that I see to do it is to do the custody/lawyer thing...which as you can see above, I do not want.

Contacting a lawyer does not mean you have to file. You just need to familiarize yourself with the law.

I think you have already protected yourself financially so that is good too.

As far as the OW watching the kids you may not have a choice in that. The only way around that is if the OW has a criminal record then you might be able to get a restraining order. Additionally, if there are drugs present in her home or she is a user then you can go down that avenue also with the proper authorities.

I would suggest taking a look at the situation first......

Is this OW really a threat or a bad person or might in some way hurt your children???? or is it more of YOUR issue?? meaning she is the reason for the break up of the family and therefore she is bad????

If the later is the case then you may want to consider biting your tongue on that one. Know that if you take any of the actions I suggest up there it would definitely come across as controlling and would definitely push your W further away.

However

If there is a real threat then YOU ARE DUTY BOUND AS THE RESPONSIBLE PARENT TO ACT ON BEHALF OF YOUR CHILDREN.....no matter the consequences to your marriage.

Hope this helps.

Cheers