After 2.5 years, divorce final soon

[d1adsl5a]

I have been posting on this site for over 2.5 years. September 1st, is supposed to be the day the divorce is official. I still am not sure how I feel. I don't love my wife anymore, that i know. She has been quite mean over the last year as we go through this process. She comes out quite well financially. I have to pay her $4,300 net per month. She gets $360,000 or 60% of my pention/401k. I had also given her $140,000 when we split the equity in our house. The judge is still making me pay for catholic school at $1,000 per month.

Yet, I find the money isn't the thing that bothers me. I have developed an anxiety disorder and chronic insomnia through out this process. I do take something for it, but the anxiety is there everyday and I still have bad sleep a couple nights per week. I hope someday I am able to accept my new life. I do have a wonderful girlfriend and I get my sons 50% of the time. As I said, I still find myself with this anxiety every day. Therapy helps, but i know that I have to heal on my own.

I developed this wall to deal with my soon to be ex for years. The wall came tumbling down in mid march of this year. I wasn't ready to commit to the girl friend. In fact, I realized I was doing what I did in my marriage. Saying and doing what makes everyone else happy. I hit my lowest points over the last few months. I sometimess get shortness of breath that last for hours. I just find it hard accepting the good and bad in my life. I just wish I could function and be me in this relationship with this girl. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me other than my kids, but i find myself not being able to just be happy...

One of the things I am looking forward to is to be able to tell my soon to be ex how I really feel. I have taken the high road so many times to placate her anger. I have lived in fear of her for 3 years...At one point she filed for sole custody and it destroyed me. After sept. 1st, no more. Any mean vulgar texts, I will respond in kind. For example, when she wanted her rings back a few months ago, I said I will give them to the lawyers and they can make it official. She called me an ass in a text. I told her that one of our son's read her texts once where she was calling me a name. She said, "good, your son needs to know you are an ass." What kind of mother is she...She can't hurt me anymore. I have written a letter to her telling her how I feel. It isn't mean or vulgar, just what she has done to me over the last couple years. I still don't know if I will give it to her.... Anyway, I am doing better than I was a a month ago. So I will take it that I am healing..