I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[NTX_Dad]

My wife became distant back in the spring and finally gave me the ILYBNILWY speech and said she wanted a separation. I immediately went into crisis mode trying to figure out what went wrong and started individual therapy. I have been going weekly since and was working to make myself better.

The therapist always told me that separation was a bad idea and a last resort, so we stayed in the home together and tried to minimize contact. It was difficult though and a lot of the times, we ended up eating together and doing things together as a family.

In July, she went to MC with me 2-3 times and things appeared to be getting better. We had a few dates, started holding hands again occasionally, and she invited me back into our bedroom to sleep.

A few weeks later she became more distant than ever... and about the same time I found a message she sent our divorcing friend that looked really suspicious. She tried to explain it as being good friends and I was able to find just enough doubt to let it go.

However, a week later she filed for D. She told me she always wanted the separation and that this was a way to make sure it happens. She said after she moves out and we have temporary orders, we can put the divorce on hold to see what happens.

I thought it was a great idea and I continued to GAL and read here often clinging to hope.

Yesterday I started thinking about my story and others on here and began to wonder if it was really worth it. If my wife is checked out and at this point, I wondered if she'll even come back. Would it be prolonging the pain? Do I deserve this? If she really cared about my daughter and I, would she do this?

I've also always wondering about an affair with the family friend. They always seemed drawn to each other in conversation, she's super nice this his kids... sometimes even nicer than she is to ours. And coincidentally, the ILYBNILWY speech came about a week after they announced their divorce. There was lots of texting, password locking her phone, etc. She always had explanations for it.

Finally last night I decided I need to know for sure, and discovered a way to snoop on the text messages. I am not proud of it, but it did expose the affair.

So now I am not sure what to do. I don't know if I can tell her that I know, I am not sure the way I got the information was legal. She has an attorney but I don't have one yet. I am meeting with one next week.

I love her but now that I know about this betrayal, I am all confused.

And there's another dimension. She has become pretty good friends with his stbx and now that I know about the affair, I wonder if she's betraying the stbx and giving him information. I am wondering if I should tell her. She may not believe me and tell my wife what I said.

I hate this. I am so confused.