soccerwife - you are right, and that is exactly what I seem to be struggling with, ironically. I know I need to make and stick to ONE SMALL STEP in my DB journey, and build on each very small success, one on top of the other. I know I will gain confidence by doing so, and will feel better all around. I know this, and yet...I can't seem to do it. I set goals, only to open my big mouth and fall right back into my old patterns of relating with my H, time and time again. I have followed your journey from the beginning and have been very impressed with how hard you are working, and how diligently you have been sticking with your goals. I'm trying to use you and others as a model. I just cannot seem to stop myself from falling into the same ole, same ole routine when commuincating with H. Even with a plan. Even when armed with tactics. Even after having read DR at least 5 times. Even after promising myself not to get drawn in to a battle. I'm just so disappointed in myself.
DG, yes, I am pro-counseling as well and have luckily found someone very helpful with whom I'm working currently. In addition, we have a very wise old priest with whom I have a terrific relationship with, and he has been helping me as well. Not so much "advising me" as just listening to me, asking questions, and helping me see where I sometimes go "astray" in my dealings with my H. H also spoke with him for 3 hours this week, so that was a small, positive sign.
Starsky, the affair thing is for sure a problem. H has said he has cut off all contact with the OW..."for now". THAT right there is the hanging chad of the sentence -- the "for now" part. What he has said is that he recognizes he cannot figure out his feelings for me while seeing this other person, so he has broken contact with her while he sees "if his feelings for me come back". I have trouble even typing that sentence, as I know how ridiculous it sounds. And it probably makes me look ridiculous for even semi-agreeing to it. But, this is where we are at this point.
I know for sure and for certain that part of my struggle is that H is not committing to the marriage at this point. We are separated while he tries to figure out IF he wants to commit, and has said that at that point (if we get there), he will be willing to go back to MC and he will be "all in", in his words. He is hesitating because he doesn't want to come back and have it not work out (duh!), which is just another excuse. He is clearly struggling right now, and is back and forth, back and froth. But until he decides (or I pull the plug, I suppose, which I'm not inclined to do at this point), we are just sort of drifting.
I am in the position of having to trust that he has broken contact with this OW. And I'm also in the position of feeling like every single thing I say or do is being evaluated, weighed, and measured against this other person in some form or fashion. He, of course, says that is not true -- he's not comparing me to her, he's just trying to figure out OUR stuff -- but I am not convinced.
And that is part of the problem. We are not dealing with the infidelity directly, although he has said he's sorry, has apologized to our families, and has even sent emails to my friends asking them to forgive him. But I don't trust that he isn't going to go back to her at some point. And since he isn't totally committing to me, I feel sad, scared, alone, and angry...and wind up sharing these feelings with him even though I KNOW that is the last thing I should be doing. And so, round and round and round we go. Talking. Getting angry. Fighting. And getting nowhere.
So, now it's down to brass tacks. I need to learn to handle our separation more effectively. I am GAL and actually do have quite a full life (friends, kids, exercise, church activities, and of course my Redskins obsession which I won't go into right now, but suffice it to say that now that football season is back, I am a much happier gal!) And I'm working hard on my issues (which include not being a good listener, getting too emotional and saying things in anger I later regret, etc.) And I've been making some VERY small improvements in those areas, which he has noticed. But he seems to think my changes are not going to last, and said as much last night. Doesn't believe I can change for the long haul, thinks I'm only changing to "win him back", etc. Which makes me mad, because I actually know I need to improve in these areas and need to make these changes regardless, so to have him dismiss them as only being about him, well...I took offense to that, for sure.
In any event, I am at a crossroads now. I need to find my center. Dig deep. Stay focused. Stick to my goals. I guess I just ask for guidance and support as I try again ...
Me - 40 H - 41 D - 8 S - 5 Bomb #1 - May, 2011 Affair revealed - 7/11 Separated - 7/11
