I know you've got to be worn out. Sadly, that's what it takes for a lot of people to drop the rope and let the WAS alone. The first many months, the LBS is trying to make it work.....but when he can't change anything....he finally gives up and starts living for himself. Then, if the WAS is ever going to commit to the MR, that's when they get interested!
I know I've said all this before. Just want to find something to encourage you and I don't guess this is it....but I care. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi and DG. I am a little worn out. I appreciate the encouragement! I do think I need to keep working on some things but I also need to remember where I was this time last year, which was a much worse situation.
Just journaling. A typical fall: work is very busy, kid care is complicated, coaching son's team, and W has some evening and weekend work and a business trip. Trying to keep up, and keep the stress level down. Was doing pretty well until W said she wanted to plan a dinner party for her office at our house. And boss put her in charge of an outdoor evening movie series. I resisted the dinner (W probably knew why), then gave in. Outwordly, I deal with these things better (not great, but much better). On the other hand, it's still the familiar feeling inside. In the end, I withdraw get crabby. Sorta lost touch with friends. Wondering about AD meds. Will explain here, though I usually don't. For almost a year have been on the lowest available dose and for the past 6 months have mostly been cutting those up into halves or thirds. Would like to say I don't feel any effect from such a low dose but truth is they do have an effect - fewers low, but also fewers highs. In the past month or so have been feeling a bit zombie-like - odd. I'm usually very calm and collected so while the ADs help reduce the emotional rollercoaster of things assocaited with W, they take the calm and collected that I feel the rest of the time and turn that into, like, catatonic. Well, ok, not that bad but I really can't accomplish much without a steady stream of caffeine. Don't know if it is exhaustion or the ADs. Usually good to exercise but developed a foot problem, so that's on hold. Would like to drop the ADs altogether. Tried once months ago and within 2 weeks I was not dealing with things as well and it was causing some conflict (maybe a coinicidence though) so I restarted. Was hoping I'd tappered off slowly enough so I wouldn't feel anything different. Hmmmm. Never thought I be in this position.
I feel that whatever was going on with W and boss stopped, and we've made progress. At least I sense some emotional distancing from work stuff by W. I think the way out is being patient, and building a good life, maybe cutting back to reduce the stress. So I'd like to focus on....well, that would be the DBing wouldn't it? I think it is really important for me to find some fun, and build some fun in my family. But being tired and ok a little angry does not = fun. The great irony is, of course, that my natural response to things has been making them worse. If I ignored them I would be happier and more fun and, as for the DBing, I'd be a "natural".
I can't remember who I've told this, so if I'm repeating myself....sorry. My doctor told me that I would probably need to be on AD's the rest of my life. And you know what? I do not have a problem with it. Here's why, SL, I was depressed for a long time, had an EA, almost lost my M, and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Do I blame depression for it? YES! Depression causes people to commit suicide, so why wouldn't it cause you to have these other things? As long as I can buy them, I will continue to take them the way my Dr. prescribed.
Some people cannot help being depressed. It is something in the brain that can't be controlled except with meds. Certain levels of depression can be controlled by exercise, diet, positive thinking, and a host of other things. It's not a sign of weakness. You would take medicine for other problems, right? I never understood why people (mostly men) think they should stop taking AD's when they are in the roughest time of their life, and yet you seem to be thinking the same thing.
I do understand feeling like a zombie, and I went a long time feeling that way when I was on the wrong kind of AD's. It was the first prescription I'd ever had, so I didn't know what to expect. Well, the right type is not suppose to make you feel like that, at least I don't think it does. Once my doctor got me on what I'm taking now, I just felt "normal".....which is really, really good.
Talk to your doctor, okay? He may have to try a couple of others before hitting the right one. If I sound like an advocate for AD's.....then I guess I am, but it is better than living like I was. Besides, you need all the help you can get when you are a WAW....or living with one!
((hugs))....now get to the Dr.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Speaking from a guy's standpoint, I could not agree more with what Sandi said about ADs. I've suffered with depression for most of my life and have been on three different ADs three different times. I stopped myself the first two times (stupid stupid me) and at this point assume I'll also be on them for life. Right now, if I had to give up any of my meds, I'd give up the asthma meds first, that's how serious I am about my ADs.
You can add me to the AD advocate bandwagon. No shame in getting all the help you can, and like Sandi said, if one isn't working, work with your Dr to try another.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Thanks Sandi and LP. I really apreciate the advice. I saw my IC today and have an appointment with the GP. Talked about the ADs. I'm ok with taking them permanently if needed - though it would be nice to adjust things so that I have my usual energy and motivation. After covering this my IC pointed out that my reactions are within the normal range - a big relief - and that anything I can do to cut back, relax, and make time for myself will go a long way. Well, where have I heard THAT before right? (hey, where is the emoticon button anyway?)
I don't know why the ups and downs come like they do, or why the downs make it so hard to get through. Man, I hate whinning. But I seem to have grown some over the past year and things aren't as bad as they were.
A comment on the ADs, since it was on my mind (hmmm, punny). They helped me through two particularly bad streches during the past two years, and I'm definately thankful for that. Had been doing better - mostly - this spring and summer as the the stress in M was less. Started reducing dosage from what was low to start to less and less, by cutting pills into halves, then quarters (quite the trick, actually). IC and GP said that at this point the dose was so low as to basically be a placebo, so I could try stopping, knowing I could go back if needed. I tried, and so far it's been good. No real changes except some energy is back. We'll see. I hesitated to write about this, b/c I don't want to encourage anyone to drop their ADs. Remember, I tried twice before, and the results wen't very good! Anyway, so that's the sitch.
Feel like through this I've sort of grown up, like I wasn't a full adult before. Course, it's been 2 years so....And now I have some better coping strategies.....well, dropping the psycho-babble.....I'm stronger. And thank God for that.
I still have challenges, especially this time of year. And I am still wary of Ws boss, but I've changed and she seems to have changed her behaviors at work....so we're heading off in the right direction. Challenges for me are:
* do NOT get exhuasted, cause I need some energy in reserve to deal with M. never run on fumes.
* mantain some good friends and hobbies.
* be mentally ok with not doing things perfectly, with criticism, and saying no.
* Have set some "boundaries" and feel like I could actually stick to them b/c I don't feel that losing M would kill me.
* exercise!
* being ok with some conflict, because that's how my W operates.
Spent a day at the Baltimore Pran Prix this week with my dad and brother. Those cars are fast and LOUD! To interesting things I saw. First, one of the junior class races - including a bunch of 17 year olds - ended in a huge pile-up in turn one. Went back to the paddock expecting to see a bunch of drivers complaining about the course or their back luck. Especially since they spent two days qualifying and had about 5 seconds of actualy reace time before smashing their cars. But no. They were friendly and easy going, though they clearly wanted to win. One 17-year old limped through the course slowly in a busted up car with a flat tire. Then just got ready for the next day. I mean maybe they got it our in private but they were professional about it the rest of the time. And second, one of the Indycar drivers was asked if he was concerned about his position in the points competition and he said "No. Being concerned doesn't make me any quicker." Period. How amazingly taoist is that???? Ok, this particular driver had Ashley Judd hanging out in his pit, so sure that probably helps. But still. stakes were high and no complain'. Something to learn in that.
