Actually, one thing has struck me through out this process. Is that you pay a lot of attention to the time when you DON'T send her a text. That to me takes as much emotional effort and focus on your W as sending a quick note. I think part of it, you should the out there doing stuff, etc. so when your W texts you. It's not that you are focusing so much on "not texting her' it's that you are out doing sh!t and couldn't get to it right away.
it's loo late to answer her question about dating. You look like you've already avoided it.
I think you should anticipate some questions like this and have answers ready so you don't make it bigger than it is.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
This morning I sent a reply to W's email from last night:
Me: "I haven’t meant to avoid that question W. I just don’t see why it really matters to you at this point. Your words and your actions have made it very clear to me what you want right now. And at this point, as even you told me that night at SIL's, I need to move on with my life. That is what I am trying to do.
As far as dating goes, I was very honest with you that I am opening myself up to that happening.
I am trying to move on with my life W. In order to do that, I need to have space away from you so that I can get used to the idea of a life without you... so that I can be ready for a life without you. That is what I’m readying myself for.
But then you tell me that you love me and that you miss me. I can’t move on with my life when I am hearing that from you. If you love me and miss me, then choose to do something about it. Otherwise, let me do what I need to do.
The fact of the matter W is that I miss and love you too. More than anything in the world. I completely understand that you are unsure about us, but there are no guarantees with anything ever. Sure, it would take a lot of work W, but I’ve been consistent and I’ve been adamant for 9 months that it would be worth it and that we are capable of it. However, it hurts me when you have contact with other people outside of our marriage. I cannot continue to work on us and believe in us when there are other people involved with either of us. And I cannot continue to work on us and believe in us if you continue to have any contact with OM. If and when you are ever ready to commit to working on our marriage I would be open to sitting down with you and talking about that possibility and what we would need from each other in order for that to happen. For now, I am working on detaching myself from you, moving on, and trying to find some happiness again."
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, generally I am late to your threads, or miss an important aspect, so I either don’t post or what I post makes little sense. That said, I think this your email is on target. I read honesty and emotion in it. It isn’t how I would have said it and I read a little redundancy in it. I’ll not pick it apart. Communication from the shoulder often has redundancy.
That you want her to think is obvious, that you want her to respond positively is what all of us lurking want. IMO you’ve laid out a decision point for her. You’ve told her what you will commit to.
We’re told here early on not to pressure, and I agree with that for the most part and certainly early on in this dance. I also believe there comes a point where a decision has to be made by both, and the pressure of making that decision causes a cascade to whatever comes next.
The email is sent, the round is down range, all any of us can do is observe and prepare for what is next.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Denver, generally I am late to your threads, or miss an important aspect, so I either don’t post or what I post makes little sense. That said, I think this your email is on target. I read honesty and emotion in it. It isn’t how I would have said it and I read a little redundancy in it. I’ll not pick it apart. Communication from the shoulder often has redundancy.
That you want her to think is obvious, that you want her to respond positively is what all of us lurking want. IMO you’ve laid out a decision point for her. You’ve told her what you will commit to.
We’re told here early on not to pressure, and I agree with that for the most part and certainly early on in this dance. I also believe there comes a point where a decision has to be made by both, and the pressure of making that decision causes a cascade to whatever comes next.
The email is sent, the round is down range, all any of us can do is observe and prepare for what is next.
^^^^^ Everything that you just said JS. My intent was to put some implied pressure on her to make a move... without closing the door to remaining in my hellish limbo patiently waiting.
I just think that me patiently waiting without any fear whatsoever from her that there may be consequences to her taking advantage is merely enabling her to continue her 'vacation' from our M... from responsibility.
We'll see how it plays out. Admittedly, I am nervous about it.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
then go dark and be consistent with THAT...(and polite with the responses you do send to the periodically relevant texts...)
But you have to follow through with this. It's done.
Don't undermine the things in the note that are valuable. I wouldn't have said it all your way but...so what?
You did it. Now go dark, and be kind.
GOOD LUCK... prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
did you ever ask her why she's asking? I think it's obvious but then again, is it?
Is she asking about your dating, so she gets permission (tit for tat) to keep seeing OM?
Or is she asking b/c she wants to know where She stands with you?
I think your email answered the last question. Not sure if it answers the first.
just wondering.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This morning I sent a reply to W's email from last night:
Me: "I haven’t meant to avoid that question W. I just don’t see why it really matters to you at this point. Your words and your actions have made it very clear to me what you want right now. And at this point, as even you told me that night at SIL's, I need to move on with my life. That is what I am trying to do.
As far as dating goes, I was very honest with you that I am opening myself up to that happening.
I am trying to move on with my life W. In order to do that, I need to have space away from you so that I can get used to the idea of a life without you... so that I can be ready for a life without you. That is what I’m readying myself for.
But then you tell me that you love me and that you miss me. I can’t move on with my life when I am hearing that from you. If you love me and miss me, then choose to do something about it. Otherwise, let me do what I need to do.
The fact of the matter W is that I miss and love you too. More than anything in the world. I completely understand that you are unsure about us, but there are no guarantees with anything ever. Sure, it would take a lot of work W, but I’ve been consistent and I’ve been adamant for 9 months that it would be worth it and that we are capable of it. However, it hurts me when you have contact with other people outside of our marriage. I cannot continue to work on us and believe in us when there are other people involved with either of us. And I cannot continue to work on us and believe in us if you continue to have any contact with OM. If and when you are ever ready to commit to working on our marriage I would be open to sitting down with you and talking about that possibility and what we would need from each other in order for that to happen. For now, I am working on detaching myself from you, moving on, and trying to find some happiness again. I hope you can respect my wishes in this regard."
Good job, Denver. I would have preferred if you would have ommitted some of that, above (as edited), but it's still a strong stand and I respect you doing it.
As 25 said, however, you now have to OWN it. If these IN ANY WAY smacks of just an attempt to get her back, she will smell that from a mile away.
DARK. Dark, dark, dark. The lawyer in her is about to try to draw you a debate, and a drawn-out, relationship one at that. YOU KNOW THAT. Use your past history with this woman, whom you know better than any of us, to your advantage and DECIDE NOW how you are (or -- ahem!!! -- are NOT) going to respond.
90% of what's about to happen is EASILY PREDICTED. Use that to your advantage.
did you ever ask her why she's asking? I think it's obvious but then again, is it?
Is she asking about your dating, so she gets permission (tit for tat) to keep seeing OM?
Or is she asking b/c she wants to know where She stands with you?
I think your email answered the last question. Not sure if it answers the first.
just wondering.
I didn't ask that question 25. Your two possible answers as to why she is asking are the 2 that I have considered. The first, well, I'm not sure that she feels that she needs permission to continue contact with OM. She certainly hasn't asked for permission in the past.
My best guess is that the purpose of her question was your second answer. And I'm glad that you agree that my email answered that question. Again, I really think that, right now, this is about control for her. She has had complete control over this situation for 9 months. She senses that she has either lost it or is losing it. She wants to know where she stands with me and whether or not she still has control.
That is my what my gut instinct thinks anyway.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
