I haven't read all of your backstory, but if your wife having an affair with this other woman? If so, then you need to stop asking the OW for help with your situation, or expecting any TRUTH to come from either of their lips right now.
I also think that YOU need to be leading your family at this point -- you and your kids. By your latest post, you seem to be asking your wife what SHE wants to do about things. Try to use "I have decided that ______ " phrases, and take some time to do some real planning on what you think would be best for you and your kids right now.
Your wife has been threatening divorce thru several of the posts that I have read; have you at least seen an atty yet? Preferably a family law attorney who specializes in "father's rights" and paternal custody issues.
