Antonia, I have been thinking about your thread over the past few days, and the 'problem' that we have of healing. I think it is, in some ways, like other skills. We have to put a lot of effort in to it, but it also takes time. As long as we persist, without constantly worrying, and opening the oven door to see if it is cooked, eventually we move to a place of greater peace and strength.
If we were deeply involved in someone else's life, it isn't normal to flip that switch off. That is probably why the WAS rushes to someone else, to avoid facing the pain of severing a deep connection. But of course the pain is still there for them, and all the shouting, and spending, and displays of commitment to the OP are in large part a cover for their own loss. I used to think that they needed to be free of the OP to demonstrate that they were moving on, but I have come to see [as several wise posters have pointed out] that the OW remains necessary for them, long after the affair has run its natural course. I think it was 25yrs who said, they need another vine to swing to both out and back. We know it isn't healthy, but these people are damaged goods.
What we develop eventually, I believe, is strength and detachment. Things that stress out others no longer worry me much. I can love without needing to be loved back, and now value what I had, without wanting it back. I am not saying every minute of every day is perfect, but that I have found a greater peace than I imagined was possible. I thought I would be somewhat unhappy forever. Sometimes I am sad, just as sometimes i am sad because my parents are both dead, but it doesn't dominate my life, in that awful way it did for what seemed like far too long.
The main thing that upsets me now is when my xh hurts the kids, but even there, I can see it isn't my problem, and my role is to support them and help them to greater understanding and compassion, if possible, not manage their relationship. I didn't break it and I can't fix that either
