Thought it would be done by now...part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Life, I'll go re-trace your thread to see what incident I missed but HAD to comment on this below, b/c it breaks my heart to read it and I SO relate...

My kids are really hurting. Many times I am just speachless as to what to say to them. I validate but they are also sayingg things like " maybe he was disappointed in us or maybe we are annoying". So sad. I do reassure them that this is not the case.


^^Good for you. This is by far the worst aspect of the MLC stuff, imo. By far...I say OUCH for all involved...

The mc I had (a great guy, btw) suggested I reassure the kids of what would NOT change for THEM, in the event of a divorce. I also asked each of them what their biggest fears were so I knew what to try and address. They both said moving again was their biggest fear.

Since I knew we'd likely stay in our house for at least 2 years while d1 finished high school, I was able to reassure them of this. And this was a HUGE relief to her and d2. (Son was away at college but he was affected too).

I frequently said "your dad is confused", which seemed true to me. In fact I'm sure that was true...but One time when I said that, d1, (then 16) said "I don't think dad is confused. I think he's just selfish."

Ouch...I said something like "well maybe that too.... but as F. Scott Fitzgerald said 'every man can be an ass once in his life' and maybe this is your dad's ass phase"

or words to that effect. (BTW, I still think it was Fitzgerald who said that but cannot find the quote...)

The main point I made to the kids about their dad's feelings for them, repeatedly, was what I thought the most positive spin was,

which was "you must know your dad loves you, and he'd kill or die for you and in his way, he's trying to find happiness --which he THINKS will somehow benefit all of us..." and in his selfish way, that WAS true. TO HIM it was true...it was also an easy rationalization and total BS...but that's not really the point.

(Hey Life, I'm not suggesting this. It's just what I came up with on 3 seconds notice...kwim?)

I DO suggest reminding them that in your h's way, however well hidden, he DOES care for them. Even if it's not true (and I think it is, in some way true that he does love them)

but even if not, why tell them that? Seems a bit too brutal for kids to hear that a parent forgot about them, especially since none of us know wth your h is doing or going thru...PLUS, reassure them of what you can, regarding the "Sameness" in their coming life. If they don't have to move, thank GOD and that means they'll still have the same neighborhood and friends and school, etc. That's a big deal Life...all you can do is your best on this my friend. You have to compensate for the "disruptor"...

make sense?


THis is all too hard for an adult to comprehend. How does a child?
The longer the NC he has with the kids goes the harder the reconection is going to be.

TRUE...but it can be rebuilt. WIll it be the same as if nothing bad happened? No...it's like an injury has occurred to both of them, and there will be scars. Hopefully no festering wounds...

my h and d22 (then 16) are working on their r. She was very deeply wounded by h's departure in her last years at home. She said once, "I guess dad doesn't want to be a part of my life so I don't want to be a part of HIS..." that was SO tough to hear.. Still makes me sad...I want to go back in time and hug her again. BTW, at my mils funeral, our oldest 2 spoke. Mind you, mil NEVER called us or the kids while h was gone...2 years and the only time she called was when h was home... So when d22 spoke she mentioned regretting that she didn't know her grandmother well but hoped to still learn more about her, even after death...

The "not knowing each other well" SHOCKED H and his brother. Seriously Life, it was so weird. How could they believe d22 felt CLOSE to her or knew her well?

MIL CHOSE not to be a part of our kids lives, her only grandchildren...and that hurts...and after her death, my kids were respectful but honest. Though we had reconciled already and h knew he had work to do on the r's with the kids, especially the girls, that moment hit him and his brother (absentee uncle) hard. Go figure.



Life, I won't lie and say my d's are the same. As far as I can tell, d14 seems fairly unfazed due to her youth then, and her outlook on life anyhow. Nothing much fazes her. But d22 is very sensitive and she got damaged. But her damage isn't irrepairable. Granted, her opinion of marriage and men has been negatively affected. (Weren't ours?? )

Thank God for places like this one where we can "meet" nice guys who remind us they exist! Today, h and d22 have dinner one on one every few weeks (per my suggestion, yet a part of ME resented it. How's THAT for neurotic??)

Point is, their R IS getting better. And when I compare it to some R's I see every day, theirs is more open and has more affection and interest. H calls her often to see how she is...they talk more now than before and possibly more than they would have, if he'd never left.

I regret making a comment back then, when h gave d22 (then age 16) and Ipod for no apparent reason-other than his leaving.

I made some snide remark about him "buying her off" and I cannot believe I let that petty bitter side come out. But it did. What a witch I was to do that!

Later I apologized to her and did my best to retract. But damn me, b/c I stole the little joy she'd gotten from her dad, the tiny attention he'd given her that meant SOMETHING to her...and I had to stain it with my resentment. I still feel ashamed.



Some say the D papers may wake him up? Has this ever really happened to anyone? At least for the sake of involvment with the kids. I am no longer trying to save M but he needs to be involved in his children's lives.

Give him time. I don't expect the papers to wake him up immediately.

But he'll have to think...at the very least, he'll need to file a response OR lose all by default (not a totally bad outcome, now that I think of it)

Again, give him time. Seeing a L may do more to wake him up than anything else. Sometimes a bit of reality therapy goes a long way.

How are YOU doing?