Longtime lurker, first time poster...

[soccerwife]

Sorry you are here redskinGG. I am certainly no expert, but no one else has posted to help you out yet, and our sitch's are so similar, I thought I should write to you.

So many of the things your H said to you and then your reactions mirror my own life. Our personalities even sound the same. I was out of my mind for several months and forcefully told my H to move out on several occasions (how stupid is that?) Fortunately, he didn't have the money and now I have my ____ together.

I took a long time for me to figure out the DB thing. I thought I knew what I was doing but I just couldn't make myself shut my mouth, be a listener, and validate his feelings. I simply could not do it and it just made me crazier and crazier.

My advice would be, set 1 week goals for yourself. On the first week choose the easiest thing (maybe shutting your mouth). Just avoid all R and D talk for the entire week. Do whatever you have to do to avoid it. Reward yourself each day for successes. If you fail one day, don't punish yourself. Instead accept it, figure out where you went wrong, and vow to do better the next day.

The next week, add the next easiest thing on the list (either listen and/or validate). When you are just learning how to do each of these things, do it in small increments. Limit your time to 10-15 min. It is very hard not to slip into old ways during long conversations while you are still learning. (I can still only make it about a half hour before I open my mouth and say something stupid).

This stuff takes A LOT of practice because it is not a natural behavior for most of us. Just keep at it and it DOES get easier.

Additionally, journaling really helps you get stuff off of your mind and is theraputic. Plus it helps you analyze your behaviors and keeps better track of successes and downfalls. Keep posting and hang in there.