I guess because I don't know how to be someone who rocks the boat. I've always been very charming, personable, and agreeable. Most people like me because of this. When I entered into a relationship, I didn't yet realize that you sometimes have to rock the boat, albeit in an assertive rather than aggressive tone. Thing was, I wasn't sure else how to proceed. I noticed that the more that I fought against her opinion, the more tightly she held onto it. Which is fine, I guess. In her mind, she was right and I was wrong, and if you ever try to tell anybody that THEIR view is wrong, see how far you get.
My W called me last night but wasn't able to get a hold of me. I called her back and left a voicemail asking what was up. She then texted me today to give her a call after I got off work. I was sweating bullets all the way home. The court date for our separation is tomorrow, so I dreamed up all kinds of things that she would talk about. Would she restart the pushing toward the D? Or might she possibly tell me not to go through with it? Which would it be, the lady or the tiger?
As I found out, it was really neither. She simply called asking if we were "good" for tomorrow. I said that we were. After a pause, she asked if I wanted to talk to her some. I said that I could if she wanted to. We then launched into a very friendly conversation. Lots of jokes were made, and her tone was extremely nice toward me. She also wanted to actually know about what was going on in my life. She asked me (for what seems like the fourth or fifth time) if I've gone on any dates yet. There's no jealousy in it; it's almost as if she can't wait until I get set up with somebody.
She's also very much in lovey-dovey mode with OM. He was in the room with her for part of the conversation, and they had some very lovey-type banter while I was on the phone with her. Already he's getting very possessive and whiny. He expressed dissatisfaction multiple times that she was on the phone with me, and he also informed her that she was no longer allowed to wear a t-shirt that she wears as a night shirt that used to belong to me. Oh, really, OM? YOU'RE jealous and insecure? You only stole a married woman away from a good relationship. Whatever might you have to fear? Friggin' jerk. I don't care how many nice things she says about him. He KNOWS what he did was wrong, and a person who KNOWS that can't be a very good person at all.
She talked about him to me during this conversation. She did mention that he "acts like a child" a lot of the time, but she also admitted in a very dreamy voice that "he makes me feel like the only girl in the whole world." As far as I know, these are the "love chemicals" in her brain talking. OM can do no wrong in her book.
Well, as a positive note, she still called me to talk. Why would she bother to call me if she's got some guy at home who she can talk with all she wants? And why bother to call me about the separation stuff if she could have just texted me? She's very serious about the "staying friends" thing, and I'm cool with that. Like someone else on DB.com stated so eloquently, "by preserving the friendship, you always leave the door open to something more."
In the meantime, I'm really intent on detaching. I can't keep living my life constantly thinking about her and living in fear of what she's going to decide next in terms of our R. It's not a life at all. I'm thinking very seriously about just going out on some casual dates during this time and really emotionally letting myself go from her. After all, she's the only woman that I've ever seriously DATED, let alone anything else. Might as well use this space for something. Plus, I'd feel a lot better about this if we both "felt" like friends. I'm tired of thinking of her as "the woman that I want but can't have." I'm not going to spend this whole time "waiting" for her. I'm done with that.
