I know. I need to take off the rose-colored shades and crush them under my feet. I feel like I've been contributing to the delinquency of a WH and it's definitely time for some tough love.
I wish they had those Scared Straight shows for WS or STBX's. Hmmm...that would be fun to watch.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I agree with cat's statement. "It is part of the process of where you are."
I find myself in exact place you are.. but how are you going to handle it??
I'm assuming that you saying "snapped" means you either yelled or got mad.
Ok.. so you got your point across. Here's my question. Was it loving?
I 100% agree that you stick up for yourself and stop the games, but there are SOO many ways to do that. Is being harsh the way you really wanted to handle it? Do you think it worked?
My sister clunked me over the head with a 2x4 today, but I will only use a ruler because my I know this is easier said than done.
The only way for you to change how your h treats you is for YOU to stop it. And in some ways, this has nothing to do with words and everything to do with actions.
I'm trying to break the cycle of abuse between my w and I. This is what I have learned thus far.
1. She hears nothing I say. 2. She now perceives my actions as something else. 3. The more I try to break the cycle, the more she pushes to keep it the same.
I'm not saying you are being abused and I'm surely not saying your h is my w. I'm only saying that I take my w out of the equation (super difficult btw) and ask myself.. Who to I want to be in this situation? I do my best to have each interaction with her with my best foot forward because that's who i want to be. Her words and her actions no longer control me and who I am. And you know what.. sometimes i FAIL miserably, but when it works, it's great because I am now loving MYSELF.
Remember when I asked if it was loving? You should show love to your h (which IS DIFFERENT to being a doormat).
Why?
1) Because God showed us unconditional love when we are so unlovable
2) Because a loving person is WAY more awesome than being a spiteful person.
Enjoy your bath.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement, V! I've been reading your thread and wishing/praying for the best for you.
When I say snapped, I don't mean yelled. I mean that my tone was forceful and I expressed my frustration. Whenever I experience a negative emotion with H, I tend to internalize it, think on it for awhile and then broach the subject with him after I've thought things through. H's anger and despondency can be so huge that there is no room for mine. I am by nature more of an easy going person, but I have often felt that I do not have a space to be angry or frustrated in my M because there was just no room for him to be angry and for me to as well. If that makes any sense.
As H was giving me the "I'm leaving you" talk, he started crying and said, "TG, you are so...so...sweet. It scares me."
It's odd because I am a strong woman and clearly capable. But everybody I've ever met always comments on my attitude and how sweet I am - I even get it from strangers who I meet and interact with.
So, this is a 180 for me, of sorts. I'm still trying to sort out if it is a good one or not.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement, V! I've been reading your thread and wishing/praying for the best for you.
Sure thing. Thanks for the prayers! I think things will be what God knows is best, I just don't think they will necessary be what I thought I wanted at the beginning of this process.
If it's a 180 for you, then by all means see how it works out. At some point we all must take a stand as say "Dammit.. I'm important!"
Keep on loving yourself!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I am coming to a place where I know what I want for my life. Peace, encouragement, support, laughter and love. Anything that threatens that just has no place in my life. And it's up to me to protect my personal boundaries.
I am a lot less frustrated with H. I get that he is where he is. And that I am where I am. And those paths might be completely divergent.
My friends and family are the best. I get to cuddle babies tomorrow, walk strong the day after that, laugh at a comedy show towards the end of the week and dance at a concert in a few weeks. I have trips planned to Paris, Anaheim, Vero Beach, Atlanta and San Diego.
The move to my own, first apartment comes in just a few weeks and I am really happy that it is all mine. It will be really good to get out of the place that he and I shared, the place that still contains his stuff and mine.
In a few weeks, it will be one year since he left. And it's been a doozy of a year. But I am reaching that place where I am ready to move forward.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
H got me in a corner and started R talk. I got really honest with him and I told H that I was considering filing for D and he hit the roof. Like it was out of nowhere or an outrage or something. I basically told him that I knew he was with a new woman and that this is it for me. I told him that I have to protect myself and that I have a life to live. He agreed, but still seems as confused as he did on D-Day #1. He told me again that he wants to be with me, thinks about me constantly, etc. etc.
I asked is this before, after or during your time with OW?
He just got very quiet and then told me about how hurt he is and how hard this is for him and how connected he is to me and how he can't live with the thought of me out of his life.
I told him that I didn't know what to say but he has to know that I'm not going to live in this limbo forever.
He said, "I don't want you to wait for me. Go out and live your life."
Then he proceeded to tell me that it hurts him to think of me with other men and that if I ever date this one particular guy who's always been interested in me that he will explode. And then....
Do I even need to go on? Can I join the WTF bus?
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
