I notice that there are times when you do not respond to your W's last texts in a TM conversation.
Why?
Do you think it would be wrong, or weak, to say (using the last one as an example):
W: "I know. So frustrating!"
DENVER: "I'm sure it is. Good luck with it; talk to you later."
Or words to that effect. This way you've acknowledged her comment, you've controlled the conversation by ending it when you want to end it and you don't appear to be rude or aloof.
If you were texting anyone else you wouldn't just leave them hanging, would you?
I know how it feels to want to remain connected to your W; I still look at my phone several times a day to see if my W has sent anything. And of course, she hasn't.
But I'm learning to be OK with that. And when we do text/e-mail/talk, I talk to her like I would to any other friend; because right now that is all that we are; that is all we can be at this point.
Try to think of your W as a friend when you communicate with her. It will take effort at first, but I think the rewards will be worth it for both of you.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I am really just trying to NOT respond when there isn't anything to respond to. I believe that she is trying to draw me into a conversation ... with the bigger goal of drawing me back into the sh!t... I believe that it is about control for her right now. She senses that she has lost control and she is either trying to test me to see if she still has it, or she is trying to regain it. Either way, I don't want to be drawn into a conversation with her. I want to leave her wondering and not feeling comfortable with her position in this stupid tit for tat game.... and let's not lie to ourselves, much of this is a game.
Could I do it your way? Sure. I suppose that I am trying to get a reaction from her... trying to get her to wonder 'why didn't he respond?' OR 'What is he doing that he didn't respond?'
Yes, yes, I admit that what I am doing is trying to get a reaction from my W. No 2x4 needed.
As it stands right now, I'm trying to be consistently polite, but distant.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I do not think you are misinterpreting my posts at all, I think that the approach of re-establishing the friendship through casual contact and interactions is sound advice and I trully believe in it.
I believe it can work as outlined by MWD in DR and DB.
However, when there is an affair present in the situation none of those things can start until all contact between the affair partners has ceased. NO EXCEPTIONS.
^^^^ This point should not be overlooked.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Hey Denver...Why not just come on down to Alabama and forget W and OW for a few days. Let's go grab a beer! lol We'll route all calls through my buddy's number so neither of us get any calls/texts.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
W: "Ok. I will when I get home. It's about my lease. I'll let you know when I send it. Thanks!"
I did not respond.
----
A couple of hours later I received an email from W with a portion of her lease quoted. She asked me a question about it and asked me to give her my opinion on an issue that she is having with her landlord.
I responded to the email by answering her question and giving her my opinion. I did not ask any follow up questions or ask her to let me know how it turns out.
W responded with the following email which I am editing.
W: "Yada, yada, yada...I'll keep ya posted. On another note, are you going to tell me if you are dating anyone, or are you going to continue to avoid that question? I feel like I'm left to wonder and you don't want me to know what's going on. I'd like to know though."
I received that email at about 6:30 tonight. I have not responded. I have been contemplating how I will respond, but probably won't do anything until tomorrow.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
How about the truth? Man I would have loved it if my w told me she started dating. Would it have still hurt, absolutely, but it didn't hurt as much as her hiding it from me. Breaking that trust. I guess people can argue it's none of her business.. and in some ways they are right. But why hurt her if you don't have to?
* Thoughts on WTF W is asking me that question???
Sure. There could be a ton of them. But isn't this considered mind-guessing?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
What foundation have you laid to give you this answer?
If you don't answer it appears you are hiding something and avoiding her which is evident in her question to you.
If you tell her the truth she will likely see this as old Denver and a setback to (if any) feelings she might be considering to re-engage with you.
The real problem here is you have not established the terms under which such a question should be answered by you.
I mean that you have not set boundaries, communicated them, and their consequences and most importantly...
enforced them.
So how would your position be different if you had done that?
"W I believe you know what I want in our relationship. I have communicated that in very clear terms. I respect that you may not want the same thing right now. Until that day comes, and you have decided to commit yourself fully to our relationship then I cannot and will not engage in any discussions with you about it. Of course it is up to you whether to respect what I ask of you but be prepared that I respect myself enough to do what I say I will do."
These are my words. You need to find your own Denver. Ones that speak for you.
The second question?
Originally Posted By: Denver
* Thoughts on WTF W is asking me that question???
pft.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
What TG said, ^^^, with a side helping of "Why are you still answering her non-urgent texts, and then passively-aggressively NOT answering her last ones?" You are somehow managing to pull of the not-so-easy trick of looking both needy/too-available, and rude and non-responsive at the same time.
