Psych77, it still amazes me when I read your posts because you remind me so much of my H.
The situation you described concerning the mess left in the kitchen is so eerily familiar. My H often leaves kitchen messes or other chores left undone. And he's the master of the excuse. His excuses are usually based on forgetfulness or inconsideration so even when he has a good reason for not cleaning up after himself, to me it often sounds like just noise. Just more excuses and more selfishness. And I react poorly to that...
I understand being tired, but if this happens often perhaps your wife saw it as you simply making another "excuse". That said, I think you handled it fairly well. You admitted you were making an excuse and then you reached out to her later.
As for bringing it up again, if it's a 180 for you, then maybe that is the right move. Maybe if she understands that these conversations make you feel defensive, then perhaps she needs to learn how to speak to you in a more respectful manner.
If you feel attacked when your wife brings something to your attention, is your reaction based on your fears or insecurities? Or is she harsh with her words and overly critical? Because in hindsight, I can see why my H has gotten defensive over the smallest issues as I've lost my temper with him many times. Yes, sometimes he makes poor excuses but that doesn't excuse me losing my cool.
Hopefully, that offers at least some insight and isn't me simply projecting.
