Oh yes, believe me, this is a great time for me to look at my own shortcomings in the relationship and I have not wasted time in that department. I realize that there were things that I could have done better. For example, the answer to your offered WHY? is simple: I made preserving the relationship at all costs for my own benefit more important than doing the RIGHT THINGS for the relationship. In order to do this, I often communicated in a very shifty way about topics that might hurt her feelings, i.e. sugar-coating, long silences made in order to keep from having to answer questions, etc. However, my motive in doing this really didn't have anything to do with her feelings; I was more afraid of invoking an angry reaction out of her (fear of the other person is a great instigator of imbalance). She often told me that, had I just come out with the truth in these situations like it was no big deal, she probably wouldn't be upset. The very idea that I REACTED as though these things needed to be kept from her was what set her off. She then felt that these things really did matter to me, so they then mattered to her all the more.
I also tried to counterbalance being a yes man by arguing and being defensive. However, what I didn't realize was that by "arguing," I often adopted a very punishing and condescending tone. I realize now that you can argue and be assertive while still being loving and non-accusatory. The defensiveness really didn't help things, either; if she would come up to me with a complaint, I would often try to put the blame right back on her, which never failed to tick her off. I would feel self-righteous and would try to avoid blame. I'm betting that if I had just taken her complaint into stead and did what I could to address it, she might have eventually agreed that we both needed to do things differently. The magic of 180s in relationships, everybody...
