Well, I had a good night's sleep and am ready to see what today brings. Oddly enough, after my rant/vent yesterday that I didn't get any response to, I went for a drive last night. With the windows down, the cool night air washing over me and singing along to the radio, I felt happy. It felt really good.
It's nice to know that my situation can be utterly icky, but I can still be happy. Basically, it's a great realization to know that my happiness is my own and not tied up with H.
I'm feeling freer and freer everyday. I don't have to be invested in the ever-elusive quest to get H to a consistent place of happiness or even just contentment. He was never happy. Not when we were 18. He was briefly when we became Christians, were engaged and got married and for 2-3 months as newlyweds. Then, the newness began to fade and the unhappiness reemerged. Now, I don't have to try to fix anything. Now, I don't have to question myself. And now, I don't have to change things that I am perfectly fine with.
I remember one day putting on stockings to wear under my skirt and H stopped me and asked,"why don't you wear thigh-highs and a garter belt?"
I said, "I've never thought about it."
H: (with a hint of anger) "Most women wear garter belts."
I sat there shocked for a long moment. On what planet? Women wear garter belts when they're dressing up for a man, shooting a lingerie ad or porn video. Not when they were getting ready to go and work nine hours in the dead of winter. It occurred to me that his expectations were so far out there that I would never meet them. I'd put on thigh highs and garter belts for him when we were being intimate/romantic, but he expected that every time I wore stockings I would look like the women he spent hours viewing online. Totally skewed.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Well, I had a good night's sleep and am ready to see what today brings. Oddly enough, after my rant/vent yesterday that I didn't get any response to, I went for a drive last night. With the windows down, the cool night air washing over me and singing along to the radio, I felt happy. It felt really good.
Sometimes, silence, is exactly what we need to find our answers...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Silence makes me feel hopeless for a few moments. It makes me think my sitch is so bad that nobody has any advice. But I'm resilient, I'm strong and I'm capable...that's what I keep telling myself, at least!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I remember one day putting on stockings to wear under my skirt and H stopped me and asked,"why don't you wear thigh-highs and a garter belt?"
I said, "I've never thought about it."
H: (with a hint of anger) "Most women wear garter belts."
I sat there shocked for a long moment. On what planet? Women wear garter belts when they're dressing up for a man, shooting a lingerie ad or porn video. Not when they were getting ready to go and work nine hours in the dead of winter. It occurred to me that his expectations were so far out there that I would never meet them. I'd put on thigh highs and garter belts for him when we were being intimate/romantic, but he expected that every time I wore stockings I would look like the women he spent hours viewing online. Totally skewed.
Your H seriously needs a reality check. That is nuts. Does he really believe that??? Craziness.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I'm glad the drive helped your spirits. You are right, it is nice to know that despite all the ish we're going through, we still have moments where we are happy and feel free from our sitch.
There have been plenty of times where I have gone out with friends and had a great time. An honest, great time. I didn't have to force myself to stop thinking about H or wishing I was with him.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Denver - yes, he really thought this. I'm so glad to hear a man chime in to reinforce my sanity on this. In my M, I was so wrapped up in the fog with him, that I bought most of the stuff he demanded as really rightly being what a wife should do, but when he said that, it woke me up a bit. I realized that the things he expected and whatever was going on in his head was not okay and somehow the man I married had morphed into something entirely different.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
DG - I realized after my mom died that the world really does just keep right on moving, even when you think it should stop. And, you know, I never appreciated that it was a good thing until now.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Just spoke with H. I think I was just the harshest I have ever been to him in my entire life and it wasn't even about me or how he's treating me exactly. Maybe my frustrations are finally starting to show.
But we were talking about business stuff again and he was being fatalistic again, complaining to me...even starting singing a complaint song. All of this makes me feel guilty and he knows it, but I'm done with being made to feel guilty when I actually shouldn't. He made the decision to buy the business. He made the decision to quit his job and work full-time on the business, instead of hiring part-timers to do it. He made the menu decisions, it's HIS business. The only thing that I did was mention that the business was for sale in passing conversation. I only provided 25% of the startup costs when he asked me and when we were supposedly "reconciling".
I've explained to him repeatedly that the business is especially slow in August and then kicks into full gear in the Fall. Again and again. I've offered up ideas for marketing, etc. I think he wants me to just take responsibility and DO everything.
I finally just snapped and told him that he needed to DO something if he wants the business to be a success. I told him that he needs to contact the director about marketing opportunities that I've mentioned repeatedly, that he needs to hire a guy for a day to put flyers with coupons on cars, that he needs to put invest in local advertising, that nothing is going to happen unless he DOES something...and that the time he spend on YouTube waiting for customers or texting his "new friends" that "I don't know", could be better spent pursuing marketing opportunities, designing flyers, bookmarks, coupons, FB ads, tweeting or 4-squaring for the business...or SOMETHING. And then I got up from my desk and left him standing there.
I've never done anything like that before in the 14 years I've known him.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
IMHO he needed to hear that and watch you walk. You wouldn't tolerate that kind of whinging from a child. He's a grown up!
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
